I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

hiding this thread before the man is accused of something worse and perhaps OP not having the baby as she suggested in her earlier post.

from a couple of kinky "wank fodder" texts to gaslighting and blackmail....wow...MN moves fast!

and yes, I must be reading something completely different to you lot

Good Luck OP, I hope everything works out for you.

What Portofino, Garlicbutter, Sakura, Wwifn, Dignified, Ingrid, and Lovename

Decide what is best for you and your dc, Daisy. Leave out any empathy for him or his family-that makes it about him, not you.

I am sorry for you that you are going through this. Such a shock. Give yourself a brief period to be numb, but you really need to make decisions and move forward for your best interests.

When in doubt, don't. Even if he somehow proves his innocence, he seems too much of an emotional drain. Skip the (next) divorce.

Have a grand St. Patricks Celebration instead.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and hoping the best for you and your dc. Let us know how it goes.

I agree with what they all said.

Also, that you are a strong, intelligent woman makes you a worthy target for this particular kind of bastard. The sweet divorce settlement doesn't hurt either.

Cost of wedding arrangements are irrlelvant-got that?

KazBar, if it was JUST this thread, then fair enough we could be overstating this. But he has form for this.

well, at least you have discovered why he wipes his iPhone: it's so that you don't find the sexydaisy messages he is no doubt sending to himself on that phone as well.

An ex of mine used to do coke on the snide......never trust 'em.

When I first started reading this I thought of the 'deleted messages' thread.

There's just something isn't there? There's a niggle in the back of my head.

As Porto says, if this was a one-off thread, then fair enough, but this is your second or third thread, in a short space of time isn't it Daisy?

Hmm. I wonder what that something will turn out to be.

Daisy - please don't rush into an abortion after a few hours of posting on MN.

You need to talk to him, face to face and take it from there.

Daisy slow down.

You are mentally undoing your whole life before even having a conversation with your DP.

I stand by my last post. I think the problem here is that your DH has a bit of a 'dark side' - sexually, the drugs thing etc, and what you need to do is see if you can recconcile your life/wants/dreams with his.

You may be able to.

You may not

But you won't know if you don't have the conversation.

Good luck

The term wank fodder is gross.

You need to ask him why he did that. If he says you sent them, you know he is lying to your face.

If he does lie about it, it would be interesting to find out the reason he gives for having both 'daisy' and 'sexydaisy' in his phone.

Basically, you need to ask him. If he lies to your face, he's doing some weird shit trying to make you question your sanity and trust him over fact which is fucked up. ANYWAY, we can't speculate anymore, you need to talk to him.

Echo what Slightlyjaded said.

He does the odd bit of coke- to me, that would be a so what? (pass me a line!)

He's a bit kinky/likes a bit of porn. Again, to me no biggy.

What is a biggy is lying about it though. But, equally, if you're very straightlaced about that kind of thing, I can understand why he might not be as open as he should be.

You need to talk to him- honestly- and see if you can (or want) to reconcile your differences.

Taking coke is a big deal, only users normalise it.

You see, I hate these excuses given for deceitful behaviour, that put the blame on to the recipient for being "straightlaced". I see it all the time on threads that involve secret behaviour, whether it's porn addiction, substance misuse or something else that a person wants to hide. It's not the fault of the person they are deceiving, it's entirely the fault of the deceiver. Daisy has made her views clear about drug use (and presumably given the last discovery)and her fiance using sex sites. He had a choice then to say that regardless of her views, he would carry on.

But he didn't, did he? He hid those choices and took away Daisy's in the process.

The only reason people lie and deceive is because they haven't got the courage to own their own choices - and they think nothing of taking away the choices of the person they are lying to. That's their fault and no-one else's.

Where has daisy said that he's is still taking drugs?

She stated he took coke a few times early on their relationship and now doesn't.

WWIFN - wish I'd written your last post. Completely agree.

WWIFN - completely agree.

I am making no judgement on what he does. The only thing I'm judging on is the lying to daisy bit. The other thread about the sex sites makes me doubt anything this man says.

Plus when I first read this thread I thought of gaslighting and I thought I was being dramatic but after reading the sex sites thread, I don't think so any more.

POSSIBILITIES --

Traps:
You and he have already exchanged some risque texts.
Now there are some texts not sent by you, band they are risque too, only much moreso.
If he wished to assert that you were the sender of those two texts, it would be believable.
He has gone to some trouble to make this scenario (that you are the sender) look believable.

Truthfulness/gaslighting:
He has flown a story by you before.
You didn't quite believe it but you carried on with the wedding plans and are now pregnant.
You nevertheless were impelled by something to look at his spare phone.

Fetish/sexual interest:
He is capable of compartmentalising his life in this area.
He is capable of dividing you into madonna/whore personae. Not good when you are about to become physically the epitomy of the 'madonna'.
He is not as he seems at all in the sexual area. He is not the person he is presenting to you.

MUSINGS:
He may have seriously cold feet and the upcoming wedding and now the pregnancy have terrified him but he feels he can't get out of the situation for various reasons of his own. He is panicking.

He may have serious psychosexual problems, may not have integrated his sexuality into his personality.

-- or there may be a bit of both.

To have sent both texts from home is a breach of the boundaries of your shared home. He was mentally somewhere else when he sent them.

To have sent one of those texts when you were away on a wedding related activity may indicate the extent he is baulking at the wedding/marriage/responsibility/fatherhood of his own child...

-- he is not ready for the wedding. He is not fully committed to the relationship. He is holding something back.

Most creepy scenarios (but nevertheless possible):
He may be planning to use the texts to threaten you with -- 'if you don't do X with Y and Z I will show the texts to A, B and C...' How embarrassed would you be to see them broadcast?

He is leading a double life that involves porn and a lot of fantasy and as has been repeated by Sakura and Dignified, et al, you are a mere cipher. The contradiction between reality (impending baby and wedding) and fantasy (porn and the threesome thing) are two features in his life that he can't integrate.

Hello again. Well we are all home at my house. For the sake of my children I am going to wait to confront him until tomorrow evening when the children are safely with their father.

This all feels so bizarre, he has just purchased new doors for the home we will move into, and a big range cooker. He has come home all excited that the wedding is two weeks tomorrow and the start of our new life.

It is breaking my heart seeing him with my little ones, playing and laughing like we are the happiest family in the world.

I'm not sure how I am going to get through another 24 hours without confronting him. I guess I am just going to have to find a way. Whilst it is all inside me I can control my emotions. Once I let it all out I'm not sure how I will react and I wouldn't want my children to see me or hear me crying.

Can I just confirm that I am absolutely certain that he no longer touches drugs. It was only ever an occasional thing with one group of friends.

I have locked the phone safely away in case I ever need to prove what I am saying. I know only too well how nasty these situations can become.

Please believe me when I say that he is no lazy, weirdo, good for nothing. A man like that would never have even set foot near my kids. I thought long and hard about a relationship with this man and it was five months before he even met my children.

Fundamentally he is a good man, he does however have a side to him which I am only just seeing and I know that I can't live my life in a relationship where there is no trust or respect for each others values.

DAISY - are you the poster who found her dp on a site looking for men to meet up or something related to that?

upsydaisy, you are being incredibly strong for your children. i hope you will be ok this evening. many hugs.

Oh for heavens sake. All this talk of making sure she's not on her own when she asks him, and blackmail!

It sounds fairly obvious what's going on. He enjoys the thought of REALLY dirty texts, and/or the thought of Daisy with other men. He's sending himself texts to that effect as a turn on.

Rather like a woman sending herself a bunch of flowers on her birthday.

What's changed from earlier daisy ?

You were happy to bring the texts up with him and now you are fearful?

Great work folks,keep chipping away at the op and creating scenarios that you have no proof of.

It's best to chat with him and see what he says daisy,don't be making rash descisions because of strangers on the Internet.

Yes, it's a bunch of flowers all right...

The fearfulness is maybe because Daisy knows she has more invested in all of the plans than he does. She is pregnant after all.

MsRisotto There is a BIG difference between taking, or in the past having taken a bit of coke and being a user. Only the naive think otherwise.

However, if one partner is very anti when the other is not (and lying about it), then there is clearly a compatibility issue.

Agree with TIOTC & Thingumy. Chill, give him a chance to explain and THEN make decisions. You say he's a decent bloke- let's give him the benefit of the doubt before we castrate him!

Um, Daisy said ALREADY that she was going to wait until the children are away from the house before she confronted this. Everyone has said all along that she needs to ask him why he did this.

The combination of this and previous posts ring some alarm bells with me and other posters. It is only fair to point out that this could be a form of behaviour that others have experienced. Daisy's eyes are at least open to this.

I agree that it is not up to us to speculate about all his motivations, and Daisy needs time to process her thoughts and decide what to do.

As I posted earlier, she needs to calmly ask him WHY he did this. I think his response will speak volumes. Hopefully then Daisy can get some good advice on what she should do next, if any action is required.

Some of you haven't read daisy's previous threads. Well, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I am assuming that