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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:25

from another thread that latter was earlier today eek Hmm

BlooferLady · 03/03/2011 14:27

Even better LoveName, see the play Gaslight - fecking chilling

dignified · 03/03/2011 14:30

Hes unlikeley to have two differant identitys , one will be a fake .

As you spend more time with him you might see less and less of the caring great guy , and more of the lying guy who thinks its ok to abuse you by lying .

People are usually consistant , in what they do and in what they say . Caring great guys dont have nobheads as freinds. They dont take drugs and they dont blatently sign up for sex sites in your house and then lie about it to your face.

Your not quite hooked yet op , once your married and the baby is here i think this great guy will be a thing of the past.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 03/03/2011 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:31

Shock I am learning on here far too much...

My friend who going through a massive divorce, her hubby planned it for three years, made her out to be nuts, had her assessed, got her paretn to go to GP's manipulated all around her, had her thinking he was having affair with sister and he wasnt but used to text early morning and night lots, it was all a set up. These things that are mentioned and on google do really happen. Do some more reading, try and speak to someone in RL. Write down what you want to say on small piece of paper, dont be draan into an argument.

I still wonder if he setting traps for you. Sad

lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:33

yes dignified Sad sorry OP thi musnt be nice for you at all having stuff pointed out. I have been there having to deal with secret use of porn but not with the other stuff, but it drove me nuts, I ended up drawing all the wrong conclusions and was awful to DH but then he had to dig deep and fess up tosome stuff too, but not this manipulation thing.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 14:35

After reading all of Op's previous posts, Dignified has it spot on I'm afraid. Sad
I think calling off the wedding would be the very best thing she could do, he's a wrong'un.

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 14:36

Traps!! Oh dear now I am confused why try and trap me.

I am not air head, push over kind of girl. I rooted my ex out to be the arse that he is and I divorced him. He never wanted the divorce. I held out and got the kids, the house and the equity. Was worth the struggle though.

My partner knows that I am a strong minded person who has moral fibre and has a clear understanding of what is right and wrong.

So why do it if he know I will call it a day if I have to.

OP posts:
Mumi · 03/03/2011 14:38

"1. What could he possibly want to blackmail OP about?"

I will attempt to explain, but you're not going to like it.

I once dared to take interest in something myself and XP were passing on holiday. He immediately started getting angry and physically dragged me away by the waist and arm. I was confused and upset at the time but didn't think anything of it, even though I knew in my mind that this wasn't a one-off incident.

Months later I realise that it was because the woman in his "script" (as I think dignified explained) would not have wanted to see it until another day, and would've been obedient enough to accept this.

Not following the "script" is why the taking of photographs of me naked without my permission started that night.

It's not about what the person wants (and this is why people find this kind of blackmail situation so difficult to believe, as you yourself understandably seem not to) - it's that he gets what he wants.

"2. Who gives a toss if OP sent messages anyway - hardly blackmail material"

It's easy to control someone or to turn others against them if you can make out they are "dirty".

It was this kind of behaviour, of course, which was why I initially did not tell anyone when he raped me.

Now, before anyone says "oh you're projecting" and "your imagination is running away with you" etc., I'm not saying OP's DP is a rapist! but at the same time I wouldn't count out the possibility of a darker intention than just a sexual fantasy.

"3. The texts would need to come from a number registered in the OP's name anyway - which I doubt."

Who do you think will get to the point of asking? and even if they did, if they are prepared to blackmail with false messages, what do you think they are prepared to say or do when someone wants proof that it is OP's number?

ConstanceFelicity · 03/03/2011 14:39

I think he was fantasising on his own and sent the texts, acting out recieving them from you. I'm sure he'll be very embarassed when he finds out you know.

Ooid · 03/03/2011 14:39

My first thought was that he is setting you up for something. Sorry. Hope that's wrong.
Some people need an 'out' at all times and make sure they have it.

Hopefully it's just a case of an emotionally stunted man behaving rather strangely.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 14:42

gasl;ighting would fit if he was lying about the sex messages before.

Bloofer, I believe it was you who brought the idea of violence to the thread. My comment regarded the oP feeling safe - violence didn't occur to me, I simply fear people's anger when they are upset.

Please stop your hyperbole.

TeachMySelfBalance · 03/03/2011 14:46

Just gut feelings from left field here, but it sounds like the foundations have been poured, set and cured for OP to accept the lies he tells about his actions.

Now he is perhaps moving on to creating lies about OP's actions-"you sent these x-rated texts to me" (I did not) "here is the record of the texts, they don't lie" (I did not!!!)...very similar texts that she did send would count in his favor, not OP's.
creating the sabotage of her credibility...
That leads to "How can SHE be believed?" rather than "How can HE be believed?"

That will open the doors to a stadium full of justification for any action he chooses, so he may think.

Discalimer!! This may or may not be the OP's circumstances, but it might help explain to anyone reading how a manipulation can work, long term.

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 14:47

The reality of being pregnant has just this minute hit me. Please don't think badly of me but I can't have this baby, not like this. I have struggled on my own with 2, both of which now at school and nursery gives me the opportunity to work and provide some kind of decent life for my kids. Bringing a baby into this world like this I can't face. I just want to cry now!

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:48

OP The traps like finding stuff is so he can then denie and make you doubt yourself, power/control its a form of abuse - Im so sorry to say all this. It does see as if he has orchestrated situations to initiate some sort of response.

If all this is rubbish (gaslighting and blackmail etc) the simple reason is he likes the dirty talk 7 porn - sort out this issue alone then.

But take heed of what porto and others have said as its not just akin to find a stash of porn is it, the texts, the denial, I havnt read previous posts but if you such a savvy women/mum why you having anything to do with a drug taker when you have kids too? Sorry if this is provocative but I wished someone had given me a good talking too when I got nuts about my DH and spent aprox £800 on private detective and endless hours on net and FB tracking stuff down. Seriously try anf talk to someone in RL you trust not to give BS and gather your thoughts

Sorry I ve gone on I am concerned for you. Smile

When I confronted my DH he was embarassed but angry too and found it hard to explain in anyway.

lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:51

Oh ups I had missed you are pg too, why the quick response? Is your gut feeling not right about the situation? Oh ups (((hugs)))

This is very hard if you hormonal too. Oh dear.

Saltatrix · 03/03/2011 14:52

OP can you please just ask the guy till you do ideas are just going to get worse and worse. Wouldn't be surprised if someone manages to convince you he has a computer persona of you on his phone that he talks to. You want answers your just going to find them from him not here.

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 14:55

Love - the use of drugs was just a very ocassional thing that he did before me and a couple of times in the early days of our relationship. He may have taken it every couple of months or so during a big night out. He no longer goes out with that circle of friends and once I made my point entirely clear and why I was so anti cocaine then it came to a stop. I believe him on that front. So I did deal with that situation and it stopped. I would have walked away if he hadn't as it is a massive deal breaker for me.

I will be back shortly as I have to pop out for half an hour. Oh and I am in no way offended by anyone's points of view or suggestions. It helps to have different perspectives.

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 14:58

Ok ups

Portofino · 03/03/2011 14:59

OP I think you DO need to ask him (in a calm, non-accusatory way) about the phone messages. The way in which he responds may tell you all you need to know.

If he replies that YOU sent them.....well run for the bloody hills.

If he denies doing it at all - ditto.

If he admits in an embarrassed fashion that he did it as "wank fodder", well maybe there is still some talking to be done.

(((hugs))) though. PG and with a wedding fast approaching, I am sure the last thing you want to hear it that is maybe more sinister than you thought.

garlicbutter · 03/03/2011 15:03

Try to make one difficult decision at a time. I know there's not a whole lot of time to make concrete choices about your pregnancy, but please don't make your mind up while your discovery is so recent.

He is gaslighting you. From what I understand about the laptop incident, he's already persuaded you that evidence in front of your eyes can somehow be discounted. Try to keep a cold, clear head and your wits about you when you talk later. Good luck.

CheerfulMe · 03/03/2011 15:04

Can I just say how much I hate the phrase 'wank fodder'

Okay, as you were.

Rhinestone · 03/03/2011 15:04

Completely agree with Porto's options.

So sorry OP.

amiheartless · 03/03/2011 15:06

I'd definetly have a word,

seems fairly odd,

hope it goes well OP!! hugs

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 15:09

The biggest alarm bell is that you are so anxious about just talking to him. In a generally happy, healthy relationship, your reaction would be (as someone else posted) just to say 'Ere, DP, what's all this then?' confident in the expectation that he would tell you even if he was embarassed or apologetic.