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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 20:31

They haven't read this one either imo. For example, nobody said make sure she wasn't alone.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 20:47

All your posts are being read and considered and although some I agree with others I am not so sure your posts are really helping me.

Thingumy - I am not at all fearful about approaching him. I just realised that tonight with the children at home definitely isn't the best time to deal with this. It will most definitely be a whole evening if not into the night of lengthy heated debate. I am ready for that but am simply putting the welfare of my children before my own needs. Simple as really. Additionally I need to get everything clearer in my mind before I launch into it all.

Everyone's support really is helping with that.

So a big thank you to you all x

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 20:50

Sorry if my posts aren't helping - please tell me if that's the case and I'll shut up Smile

Good luck, anyway.

Saltatrix · 03/03/2011 20:50

Seriously people really should talk to their spouse/partner about a problem before they come online. OP you have gone from having a minor issue with him but confident with just asking him to being paranoid, fearful and even considering abortion over 2 sexual explicit texts!! that he sent to himself.

Before you give yourself a heart attack please talk to him that's where your answers are. We all love a good conspiracy theory but more often than not it is the simple answers that are the right ones.

I am not sure where blackmail is coming from?? don't you need to make the person aware that you have something on them.....not to mention it's sexual texts not death threats.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 20:54

Saltatrix, the OP has had prior reason to be concerned. It isn't just the two texts.

And even if it were, is that not enough to worry someone? It would certainly worry me.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 20:59

Shit I've done it again - got my words muddled. Another reason why I am not ready to confront him tonight!

I meant to say simply that some points I totally agree with others I am not so sure yet, but they are all worthy of hearing and are certainly helping me to get through the long hard wait until I can confront him

I got distracted by him on my last post!! Oh and I have terrible morning sickness - yuk!

OP posts:
Saltatrix · 03/03/2011 21:05

Nothing wrong with a bit of worry but I fear that people have made a mountain out of a mole hill. I find it a bit weird but if I found such texts I would go and ask my partner what's up. I have read the OPs posts and yeah there have been a problems before regarding a minor use of drugs however she said that he stopped near the beginning of their relationship and that other than the 2 texts he has been a good guy.

Like I said being worried is fine but at least find out if you have a reason to be worried before jumping to the end of the worry scale.

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 21:11

Give yourself a break daisy you are in early pregnancy and are getting married in two weeks,you must be stressed to high heaven.

You said this in a previous post

'99% of the time he is the kindest, nicest, considerate guy I have ever met. He is fantastic with my children, close to his family who are all very decent. He works hard, has his own company with his father. He is loving, affectionate and totally into me!'

Now a 99% good,decent man is worthy of a adult conversation (not confrontational conversations either) and to be able to state why he has felt the need to text himself explicit messages.

If he can't or you are still unhappy with the 1% of his personality ,maybe you should both seek some counselling before embarking on marriage?.

I hope it all works out for you daisy.I really do.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2011 21:28

You need to get to the bottom of the 'all is not what it seems' bit. You felt that before you checked the phone. Try to figure out what there was that made you feel that way.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2011 21:31

Sometimes you can be more attuned to elements of your environment that are not really right in pregnancy -- it is far from the brain-rotting experience depicted in popular culture. The suggestion that stress and pregnancy may be working against your ability to perceive things doesn't really add up.

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 21:49

I was simply saying she must be feeling some stress at the moment due to early pregnancy and a imminent wedding.

Crawling · 03/03/2011 22:03

Agree with Saltatrix op please speak with him and hear him out.

ohboob · 03/03/2011 23:05

I think giving yourself 24 hours to think is a good idea anyway. It's worth talking through everything with him so you need to know what you want to say. Don't marry him if there are still things unresolved. You have to understand why he's done this and the other things you've posted about in the past.
I really hope it turns out ok for you.

squeakytoy · 03/03/2011 23:28

Is it just possible that he was doing some very immature bragging to a mate and saying "look.. this is what my missus sends to me"...

mathanxiety · 03/03/2011 23:29

You can get off the wedding train before it gets to the station. It's easier to call it off now or to postpone it for a while than to divorce down the road, believe me. And cheaper.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2011 23:30

I think the immature bragging is one of the most horrifying scenarios here, but maybe that's just me...

garlicbutter · 03/03/2011 23:49

As ohboob & everyone else has said in different ways, upsydaisy, don't marry him if there are still things unresolved. This is the only important point. If you feel at all uneasy now, your uneasiness will get worse after the wedding and baby. No matter what his explanation or your feelings about it, a man who loves you will accept a request to delay the wedding if you need time to work through some issues.

You seem to have your head screwed on so, hopefully, you don't need reminding that what matters is how secure & happy you feel about joining his life with your family's. If you're not 100% secure, then delay. If you're less than 100% satisfied, cancel.

It might be helpful to ask yourself what you'd think of a woman friend who told you she secretly sends pervy texts to herself as if they were from her partner?

sakura · 04/03/2011 00:57

To all the posters who think that them being "easy-going" in the sex department has somehow got anything to do with this thread. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 07:35

Saltatrix, I'd suggest you look further back, as the moderate drug taking and these texts are not the whole story.

There was a thread about his sending and receiving sexually explicit emails involving a website he had apparently signed up to, and he denied it all and blamed wither a hacker or someone playing a prank.

He then got so mightily offended that the OP would think him capable of such a thing that she pursued it no further.

Yes, possibly he was telling the truth but when you put it all together with the OP's stated prior concern (thus her looking at this phone in the first place) it doesn't look great.

OP I hope you are feeling a bit less stressed this morning. Thinking of you.

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 08:37

The thread is about the op Sakura.

Maybe you should rein your ego in a touch too eh.

sakura · 04/03/2011 08:44

If there's one thing I can't stand, Thingummy, it's people telling women not to trust their own perceptions of a situation.
The OP was clearly shocked, we had a poster saying she might have accidentally written it herself; we had another saying she wasn't bothered by filth so why should the OP be; we had another saying she should "lose her inhibitions" i.e lots of people NOT LISTENING to the OP's POV.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 09:07

I hope you are OK today Daisy will be able to organise your thoughts in the build up to the difficult conversation ahead.

FWIW, when I got married the first time I had many doubts that I was doing the right thing. But everything was organised and I didn't want to disappoint my family etc. We lasted about 1 (unhappy)year. Luckily there were no kids involved. I should have listened to myself. And my ex-H didn't have any dodgy habits (unless you count building model aeroplanes out of balsa wood) but the moment the ring was on my finger he expected me to turn into his mother. Hmm

MadeInChinaBaby · 04/03/2011 09:31

I hope your morning sickness isn't too rough today.

Your partner has fantasies about you that he's not comfortable enough to share with you. That's worrying, but I wouldn't say 'sinister'. You need a good long honest chat with each other, and then take it from there.

Good luck this evening.

Ooid · 04/03/2011 09:32

My dh, when he has done something he perhaps shouldn't have, just lies a bit and tries to obfuscate. I stress that it's things like forgetting to tell me that he's arranged to go out - he'll first say he did tell me, then that he must have told me the wrong day, then finally he'll say something completely off the wall and I have to bring him back to the discussion in hand. (Sadly for him I am very good at that.) It's a reaction to stress. Luckily in our lives it's very minor stress. I used to think it was really odd and then I observed his mother doing it - she can't do conflict at all, it's like it throws her so far off whack that all she can do is try to take things down another path.

I don't want to write about me me me, but look, some of you are getting so very het up about what's really quite a normal reaction to being caught doing something childish, unpleasant, transgressive. I mean the cocaine, the computer stuff - not cool, not good to lie, but a pretty normal reaction.

I think the weirdness of the texts is worrying but you can't build this up into a picture of a psychopath. I'm not dismissing anything, it's odd and worrying, and it's important to be aware of these things, but some of you have him diagnosed and caught bang to rights. Come on.

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 09:37

Where was he diagnosed as a psychopath? (or anything else?)I missed that bit.

Thingumy, I took Sakura's comment to mean that when a man behaves like this it isn't about the woman. It's about himself and his own fantasies. She didn't cause it and she isn't, in a sense, even involved.

I don't know why you have commented on Sakura's 'ego'.

I often see it in controversial and sensitive threads that when someone puts forward a strong viewpoint, and others cannot find a way to argue it, they accuse the person of being bigheaded, self obsessed, of 'projecting' and of telling the OP what to think.

It's really odd.