I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

Not sure what point you're making Thingummy.

It's clearly strange and the OP is very uncomfortable.

How do you feel about these texts Op ?

I remember some of your other posts and there seems to be some discrepancy between who he says he is and what he does.

Why can't I text myself? It just doesn't send

What is with the "Well I think "filth" is okay so there's obviously no problem here" brigade

I know where both dignified and WWIFN are coming from. Wise words.

"He will become so anxious that he won't be able to fudge round this. He can't make up an excuse as it is all in black and white to see."

Oh if I only had a penny for every time I'd read a poster on MN thinking their OH couldn't talk their way out of it, and another penny for when the same posters swallowed it up when they did...

"if I simply ask him face to face he will just try to say that possibly they are old texts between us."

So if you're so confident that you can confront him about this face to face after texting him, why do you have to reply on texting him at all?

I wonder, as you getting married in two weeks, whether you are - consciously or not - giving him that time as a chance to come up with a good excuse :(

Can of worms, you need to have an very honest and open coversation with him about sex and porn and find out where you both stand.

Been there and done that - got through a 6 month seperation and nearly got divorced, very happpy now. But it takes a lot of guts. Texting oneself is strange, but must be some sort of fantasy, if you have found him on sext sites too you need to talk talk talk.

IMO he is not likely to stop using altogether, can you accept this is a private part of him and leave it at that or do you want to be part of it?

I have been round the house and spoke to a lot of friends and read websites, it can do your head in I started to think all sort of things. You need to talk talk.

My phone is like tin cans on a string compared to an iPhone. Texts just get bounced back to me, but don't appear in my inbox. Weird.

Sorry OP but I had a quick look at your past posts. You haven't been together all that long apparently, and you have already posted some months ago about him going out and taking drugs, and again about finding the messages on the laptop. Ones that he left for you to see and then denied knowing anything about them.

So we have "nothing is a secret" but when you find something strange, he denies it absolutely and then claims that as you have all his passwords etc, why should he lie etc. Sorry but I do think there is something very strange going on here.

I almost hate to say it but it makes me wonder if he has a plan to make you doubt yourself - so he can behave how he wants and ensure you are convinced it is all in your imagination.....

I know I've already said this but...

Blackmail!!!! Don't make me laugh!!!!

Where the hell do people get these stupid ideas from?

1. What could he possibly want to blackmail OP about?
2. Who gives a toss if OP sent messages anyway - hardly blackmail material
3. The texts would need to come from a number registered in the OP's name anyway - which I doubt.

Oh reading all this reminds me of the utter anxiety if being there, chekcing phones etc is not healthy and is no way to live.

"if I simply ask him face to face he will just try to say that possibly they are old texts between us."

And what if he does just that Op ?

Its telling that you already assume you will lie when confronted . Would you still be willing to marry someone who will lie blatently to your face ?

Yes I do feel very uncomfortable. Looking at the facts, I am in a very healthy and happy relationship in all areas, and I just don't understand why he feels he has the need to do this alone! I am rather concerned about the two different identities and that there may be possibly more to his thinking. What else could he be doing to get his kicks and can these things escalate.

Sinister isn't a word I would use but maybe an unhealthy infatuation.

We are about to get married, have a child and build a future together.

Fortunately my dcs are away this weekend with their father so I am hoping I have enough self control to delay dealing with this until they are safely out of the way. I very much doubt I will be able to do it though.

Bottom line OP

You don't trust this guy do you?

Ah, there is more to this is there? If you already have issues, I can see why this would be a bigger deal. You still need to have a conversation with him, though. You really shouldn't marry someone that you don't trust or can't talk honestly with.

Sakura it's not a question of posters imposing their (relative) easy-going-ness re. sexual matters, filthy or otherwise, on the OP.

It is simply a matter of giving her partner the benefit of the doubt, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary.

I honestly can't see the difficulty with that. If he's shagging the milkman or similar I shall sharpen my pitchfork with the best of them. But the OP doesn't need to be filled with the resentments and fears and ghastly experiences and/or dimly-remembered soap opera plots of everyone posting. This is her actual life. She has to go and talk to him.

Whatever BlooferLady says I agree with....

AHA. There is evidence to the contrary. well: good luck with the conversation, old thing.

What portofino said worries me very much, he is manipulating you, and the drugs oh c'on is this what you really want, this is no start to marriage or anyway to continue. He will have you round the twist it all sound very weird now having read portofinos post.

Do you think he sets traps as he is testing you and that he is insecure? Fooshing nutter IMO

Kaz no-one has EVER said that to me before, on MN or in RL

Now I shall have to get on. apparently they expect me to work for my wages. Outrageous.

Catching up reading...must take speed reading course...

Not blackmail, but gaslighting.

I am in a very healthy and happy relationship in all areas,

I would disagree Op , although i know thats not how you see it. Like Porto i remember your other threads , and the thread about the messages on the Pc. He lied blatently to your face on that occasion , and while you were probably willing to let it go because you love him , the rubbish he spouted was absurd.

It was disrespectfull and a piss take and he demonstrated clearly that he does not have a problem lying.

OP It is not healthy ti have doubts and fears like this in a relationship, and to 'leave' things for you to see then denie em. Believe me I know I lost it with DH at one point a couple of years ago.

Kazbar - when you have been on here long enough you will realise that some men will do anything to have total control over their partner, have a google of gaslighting to start with.

I'm not suggesting anything like that in OP's case but her previous posting history doesn't bode too well for her future marriage, at the very least it seems he's got a fairly screwed up mentality when it comes to sex and secrecy.

ok i google gaslighting, blloody hell you do have to be on here a lot/long dont know i also needed to look up dragons breath too.