I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP

I have read all through this thread and I can't see anywhere where he seems like someone deceiving you or that you shouldn't marry. I think it's been blown out of all proportion and if I were he I would have no idea how to prove my innocence to you... and to think you would even go as far as terminating the pregnancy, over this?

I urge you to calm down and stop obsessing. I think in your quest not to have the wool pulled over your eyes you have gone too far in the other direction.

It might do you some good to have some counselling either alone or together. I wish you well.

Anyone is equally as entitled as the next person to comment on threads, after all it is a public forum.

Some people will have a bias towards a particular type of action. However, on this site I read mainly well thought through posts in which posters encourage exploration and dialogue between a couple. I think that in the main, that is what has happened on this thread.

Some people posting will have had bad personal experiences with partners and ex-partners, but that is by no means all of us. I have been married happily for over 21 years. I just have an interest in people, in personal relationships, in learning about how people tick. notalways I think that this statement that you made - "Daisy, I really would urge you to consider the type of people who post on this site. Many of the posters on this site do not have normal or straightforward relationship histories. They are looking and see things which your average happy in a relationship don't even consider." - is somewhat derogatory and demeaning of the wealth of personal and different life experiences that people using this site have to offer. I'm not sure quite what makes you believe that only people in lasting happy relationships are qualified to comment on this, or other, threads.

Daisy I hope today has provided you with some of the answers you have been searching for.

I really feel for you, OP, and you must be overwhelmed by the volume of posts advising you on the decisions you have to make. And I fear my post might add to the burden. I am not saying that there are no problems in this scenario - clearly there are. But it's worth saying that many people do twattish things without there being a really dark explanation.

With that in mind it's worth looking at what Heroine said about "Talking in an accusing tone and threatening to (and actually cancelling) a wedding, is hardly likely to lead to a trusting explanation - it is much more likely to lead to denial, as you are setting someone up to be in a 'can't do right for doing wrong' situation whatever the answer is anyway. Feeling accused and attacked will hardly make someone say 'I did it' particularly if there is no sinister motive "

Tanso said, "I actually think that snooping and setting traps are similar things.

People snoop because they suspect something, but cant prove it. Someone whos partner has done secretive in the past may feel it is more forgivable if they snoop again because of the history.

People set traps because they think their partner is snooping but cannot prove it. If the partner has had a history of snooping they may feel it is more forgivable to set a trap if they have reason for suspicion."

Notalways said "Daisy, you have mentioned over and over how much you love and respect this man and how respectful and loving he has been. You are very positive in your descriptions of him.

He has mantained good friendships with his previous girlfriends - always a very good sign. He has good circle of friends and family. He has always treated you well and is wonderful with your children."

Reading this thread I agree with Lubeybooby who said "If I were he I would have no idea how to prove my innocence to you".

What would reassure you that he's only been a bit of a twat, nothing more? And how would that actually be described by him when he's worried and embarrassed?

Well, that's a very neat way of averting discussion of the salient issues Mathanxiety has brought to our attention with reference to your posts, Notalways.

It's also extremely rude. Mathanxiety was not rude to you.

When you post on a thread here you are communicating with all of us, including Mathanxiety, so perhaps you should stop posting if you don't want any of us to comment on your posts, and keep your communications to PMs with the OP.

You don't have to respond to everything we post, but there's no need to be so bloody horrible about us.

Cross posts.

Notalways, the OP is not describing a relationship that is exclusively happy and loving. She mentions good aspects of the relationship but also some very worrying aspects.

Therefore I would suggest that according to your stipulation, those of us from happy, loving relationships should be answering her, alongside those who have experienced similar problems.

Yes?

A sensible sounding argument as far as it goes, but how can your experts advise on something they have no experience of? Have they made a success of their relationship because they know how to make a relationship work, or because they have been lucky enough to marry another reasonable human being rather than someone who's good at faking it long enough to get the ring on his/her finger? It does take two to conduct a happy loving relationship and it starts with making sure you both want the same things out of life, or at least that the different things you want are compatible. This is where we came in. A potential mismatch which needs to be sorted out before anyone does anything irrevocable. Doesn't that make a bit more sense than "well I know lots of people who have happy marriages so I'll get married and I'm sure it will be happy as long as I don't look at his internet history", to paraphrase horribly unfairly I know?

Er, my last post made no sense at all. Too much sugar on the brain I think.

I'm offended Ingrid - your so rude.

How to prove innocence is not really the point. The question is how to prove his priorities lie where he says they lie that matters.

He has shown by the website thing that he is willing to risk the equilibrium of the relationship in order to get whatever it is that the website gave him. Daisy has told him how she felt about the website (and her feelings were not unusual or hard to understand). Now there's another very puzzling thing he has done that again demonstrates that his money is not where his mouth is. People do twattish things once. When it happens again, it is perfectly reasonable to ask that twat where exactly his priorities lie, and why he thinks comments like the 'trail' one are helping the situation. It is perfectly reasonable to ask what part of Daisy's reaction to the previous situation she discovered gave him the idea that secretive or hard to explain behaviour in the sexual area was perfectly ok with her. It is perfectly reasonable to suspect that there is something in his life that is more important to him than the relationship.

Success by whose criteria though NotAlways?

I regard people who have had the courage to leave an abusive relationship, or the nouse to spot the signs in a new partner, to be very successful in terms of their life skills.

I regard people who have had problems in their relationship, but have overcome them and are now happy together, as being very successful too.

I am truly baffled at how signing up for sex contact sites, sending secret texts and admissions that trails and traps are being set, are being bargained away as perhaps twattish behaviour at worst, in an otherwise decent man. Why are the standards of male behaviour so low, for some posters? Why do people have such a horribly low opinion of men, so that this becomes normalised?

Notalways, I have reported your outrageously offensive post. Your comment about people who have allegedly 'failed to maintain or conduct a happy loving relationship' beggars belief.

'your so rude'? What's that supposed to mean? Oh it's another 'I won't respond to you' type post, isn't it.

Fine...I'll just ignore you instead of addressing anything you write.

and before I stop communicating with you, Notalways, you're not impressing anyone you know. You're just making yourself look very blinkered and narrow minded. And that isn't me being rude, I'm just stating the facts.

I don't think all this arguing is beneficial to the op.

We all have different opinions.

Hopefully daisy will update her thread when she can.

Thank you WWIFN, for pointing out that those of us lucky to be in a happy, supportive relationship can spot issues too! I haven't experienced this sort of behaviour myself but that shouldn't mean I can't support the OP as well as someone who has been throughout the mill.

Notalways, I really don't understand how you can read this thread and state that he's a pretty good one.

the only way I can understand that notalways can think the bloke here is a "pretty good one" is if her twat is even worse than this one < shrug >

Has Daisy been back? Just skimmed the last page......

not recently, mf

I hope she's okay Peter

You wrote what I thought Peter 18:50:45.

For the avoidance of doubt - I am not in anyway suggesting that those who have had unsuccessful relationships are not worthy of advice or of being listened to. I have never said such a thing.

If they have successfully left an abusive relationship then I would turn to them for advice on leaving an abusive relationship. Mumsnet seems to be particularly good for offering help, support and friendship for women in abusive relationships and I think this is probably due to the volume of regulart posters who have been through abusive relationships.

This strength can, at times, be its weakness, for example when women from normal relationship going through normal and every day ups and downs or difficulties come on for advice. As someone further back said - not all bad behaviour is a symptom of something dark and sinister. I think some posters who have come through dark and sinister relationships tend to see dark and sinister.

I have never had a bogeyman and as a result do not see bogeymen in every nook and cranny.

I can assure you my husband is very normal - can be a total arse as well as the best guy you'll ever meet but mostly he's somewhere in between. right now - he's putting my kids to bed and reading them stories while I waste my time responding to this.

The only reason I think the guy is a good un is down to what the OP has said about the guy - there is nothing else to base an opinion on - no-one else knows him. If you actually read her posts without putting your slant on them, there is very little or no negative information about him.

I have little time for an opinion which does not recognise or acknowledge the damage and destruction snooping can do within a healthy relationship. There is no room for it. We cannot shout for him to earn her trust when she is going behind his back and witholding information almost as a winning device.

In my view, this kind of opinion comes from women who have not had the fortune to experience a healthy loving intimate relationship. Snooping is itself a cause and a symptom of illhealth in a relationship.

I find it disheartening that women shout "offence" when someone disagrees with them or voices a difference of opinion. Unfortunately mumsnet seems to have become quite full of these type of posters of late. Such a shame.

there is very little or no negative information about him.

my opinion and yours of what is "negative information" is poles apart

therein lies the rub, because you see, the OP herself thinks it is a trifle more than just "being an arse"

she says he has good points, we all do, or we would all run screaming from each other

if OP thinks the negative parts outweigh the good (on her own scale), she shouldn't marry him

that is the only sane response, IMO

Look notalways do you view registering for sex sites, denying that you had despite overwhelming evidence, sending yourself texts purporting to be your fiancee, admitting that you have set trails and traps and saying that no discussion would be forthcoming about said trails and traps, as normal?

These are the facts after all, with no "slant" attached to them at all.

You seem to be very critical of Daisy's behaviour, but not her fiance's. Why is that?