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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 18:36

youmay Daisy will make a decision on termination based on whatever is right for her...not whats right for you.

I also get the impression that she is very mixed up right now (*IngrdBergman's post just back there) and being slagged off by you (which is how it reads) isn't going to help her through it

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 18:36

oh gosh things have moved on.

Regarding termination...yes, you have to hurry if you might want to do that.

So you need to talk about the texts somehow.

I don't know how. Just put it out there. You don't have time not to, imho.

youmaynotlikethis · 07/03/2011 18:38

its all bollox u lot r talking,she is not happy with wot her partner has done so stamps her feet n says right im gonna abort his baby!!outstanding

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 18:39

MigratingCoconuts, I'm sorry if you think my post won't help.
I can see she is mixed up but I thought that she might appreciate hearing a positive experience which came out of a similar situation.

I tried to keep it short and to the point. She brought up the subject and no one else picked it up. So I thought I would.

None of us can really help her here, can we? Aren't we all just doing our best?

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 18:40

I hope your spelling and grammar is better in your normal ID, YouMay... Hmm

MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 18:40

Not your call to make though youmay. Daisy wants advice and the best advice is to seriously talk this through with DP and family asap.

MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 18:43

Ingrid, sorry, I was actually trying to say I thought your post was spot on!

I share your belief that Daisy is very mixed up and not some spoiled brat as youmay is suggesting

That'll teach me to look after the kids and type at the same time Smile

ScaredOfCows · 07/03/2011 18:44

YOUMAYNOTLIKETHIS I think it would be best to keep your poisonous and unhelpful views to yourself. The OP has some tough decisions to make, she is clearly well aware of that. She is also clearly in absolute turmoil.

Just as a aside, most of the grown-ups on this forum use english, not text speak.

FuppyGish · 07/03/2011 18:46

youmay - could you fuck off please? This is a site for adults not children.

limpingbint · 07/03/2011 18:46

Daisy, what I think you need to do is give him a chance to come clean. You need to give him a final chance at telling you about the trails and traps in full and explain what is at stake. I think maybe if he cannot say it ask him to write it down as saying out loud is not easy.

For what it's worth, I do think your gut is telling you something. I know in your current situation there is a temptation to compromise but I do think unless he tells you everything you have to go with your instincts about this.

I also wanted to say that you do have immense courage and you clearly are putting your children first rather than compromising yourself for a quick fix.

Take care of yourself and avoid the mother situation if you can. It is perfectly fine for you to tell her that it is private and you do not wish to discuss it with her - you do not have to make this ok for other people outside of you and your children.

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 18:47

Oh I see! Many thanks for clarifying, MC. I have already got into trouble by typing without due care and attention today so I do understand Smile and thankyou, too.

FuppyGish · 07/03/2011 18:49

youmaynotlikethis Mon 07-Mar-11 18:32:38
"migrating thats the point,you dont make a decision on wether to abort your baby based on if your with/love/trust your partner"

actually yes, you could make a decision on those things. What if you have no home/financial security etc if you and your partner split and you are pregnant? What if you have other children who rely on you and you wouldn't be able to support them if you are pregnant and you and your partner split? What if you couldn't work because of your pregnancy/newborn and without your partner you have no money to support yourself/other dc?

MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 18:50

Its so easily done Blush but I particularly liked your advice on how you can bond with a baby even though you have come to hate the dad.

It will help Daisy consider the possibility of having the baby even though DP might be long gone...and that it could be a very positive thing to do.

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 18:55

Well, I hope it helps a bit even if it just provides a counter to the fear and the pressure she is under.

dignified · 07/03/2011 18:56

Daisy , i meant to add that his lack of empathy / understanding in this situation would ring massive alarm bells for me . If he lacks the ability to put himself in your shoes now , its unlikeley he will ever be able to.

Its likeley that you havent noticed this before , hes probably nodded in all the right places when theres been the usual annoyances and upsets , but this is differant , and sometimes its only when theres a crisis that you see that some people lack empathy.

They dont know that theyre lacking , its completeley normal for them , they therefore see your requests for sympathy and understanding as unreasonable demands .It doesnt mean theyre bad people , it just means they are either unwilling or unable to give you what you need.

I think youve handled this really well and are doing all the right things.

unitarian · 07/03/2011 19:00

Daisy seems to be a pretty 'together' lady in normal circumstances. She's survived a divorce and is successfully bringing up two children.

If she's not coping/thinking straight right now then it's because circumstances are getting the better of her and she no longer feels in control.

She's losing control to a man she doesn't trust so she's bravely postponed the wedding and now has to face, quite quickly, the decision about having his baby.

I wonder if he could be induced to move out, take a step back, only be allowed back if he comes clean? It's her house. She needs to make such an important decision without having her mind messed with by a man who seems to think in terms of childish games when there's a life at stake.

He does need to be made to realise that she's seriously considering a termination if he isn't honest with her.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 19:00

'He said to me that none of what's happened has a place in our future and that we need to concentrate on the future.'

He asked if you still hate him and if you miss him? Miss him?

Is he suggesting that he thinks you are in danger of losing quite a catch here?

This is a man who thinks the world revolves around him.

I agree his mother should be told your 'side' of the story here. Lies tend to gather momentum, and you don't want to let this man away with any lies. Lies are a real problem here.

Does he know you are considering abortion, Daisy? Sorry to rake up something I could just as easily check myself...

mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 19:02

x-post

dignified · 07/03/2011 19:11

If i remember rightly Daisy i dont think you were initially thrilled about the pregnancy in the first place , am i right in recalling that he was very keen for you to continue the pregnancy ? Do you think he genuineley listened to your concerns at that time ?

I agree with Unitarian , have you considered having him moved out for a while until this is resolved , or even just for a few days ?

I think it unreasonable he obviously thinks he can openly disrespect you and continue to live in your house A bit of time apart will probably give you a very differant perspective.

MissySmith · 07/03/2011 19:26

Daisy,you're pressurising him into marrying you,by getting pregnant. He doesn't want to. Sorry. I don't need to write a novel about it.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 19:29

MissySmith, read the thread.

MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 19:31

MissySmith, I think you have got that about as wrong as you could have Grin

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 19:39

My partner has been on about getting married for a long while. He proposed and got engaged before I fell pregnant so I know that he didn't feel trapped by my being pregnant. He was always the one more keen on being married than I was. That said I also wanted to become a proper family, get married etc.

With regard to those of you who think I am being selfish considering an abortion. I neither have the energy or desire to launch into a moral debate on the rights and wrongs of abortion.

I can however add that as an woman with moral integrity and a devoted mother of two small chidren who I cherish more than anything in the world, should I have to go through the turmoil of an abortion it will not be as a punishment to my partner, nor a case of stamping my feet. It will most certainly not be done on a whim!

Anyway I have just spoken to him very quietly and calmly. I've told him that I found the text messages with explicit content, that I was not impressed at all. I told him he was digging his own grave and that it was just another nail in the coffin. His future and mine is in grave doubt. I told him to think about it and not to come to me with any lame crap!

I've also just told my dcs that the wedding has had to be moved to another date because the hotel has mixed up the booking and we can't have a wedding on that day. Their answer - why can't we have the party the next day!! Oh the joys of an innocent childhood.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 19:41

His answer was that the messages were meant for me as a bit of fun! They were in the sent box FFS. Does he think I am stupid!

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 19:42

Daisy, I think you are amazing! What a good post and very well said!!

I really hope this gets resolved for you.