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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Thingumy · 07/03/2011 17:17

I had a feeling that was what the issue was.

You both sound like you are avoiding the elephant in the corner.

I think you'll just have the broach this daisy.

Feel for you,but don't brood on it.

LostInTransmogrification · 07/03/2011 17:20

Daisy - try and put yourself in his position. Wouldn't you want to talk about your partners concerns to give them the confidence to marry you? The fact he is happy not to discuss things makes me think that he believes that if he just keeps schtum you'll give in and marry him eventually.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2011 17:24

No, Thingumy, I disagree; it boils down to lies.

Your partner's sexuality and sexual preferences are fundamental and basic things someone has an absolute right to know about before proceeding with a wedding. 'No-one has the right to dictate someones private thoughts and desires, it's the lies and deceits that have come from this.' Daisy has the right end of the stick here.

Well done for what you said to him. There is an element of cruelty here, or an extreme inability to put himself in someone else's shoes at the very least.

TeachMySelfBalance · 07/03/2011 17:26

Hang in there, Daisy.
I think it is as issue of emotional abuse-the lies and deceits...and that may be what is ringing bells for your instincts.

"What I am beginning to think is that his fantasies/fixations are based around me having sex with another man."

Good Lord, scary. It is more of treating you like an object, rather than a person.

Or it sounds like he may be a 'swinger', if you are cool with that fine, if not...well, line in the sand and all of that.

Ultimately, though, trust your gut. I don't think you can go wrong for yourself with that strategy.

Here are some warm Turkish Towels for you-take care.

Thingumy · 07/03/2011 17:29

Daisy needs answers I agree.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 17:36

I don't believe that he is behaving like this to be cruel, although he is being cruel. You're bang on -it is his extreme lack of ability to try and look at it from my perspective.

And I think you're right he thinks that if he keeps quiet I will give in and marry him.

He said to me that none of what's happened has a place in our future and that we need to concentrate on the future. I told him there is unlikely to be a future if this carries on.

As for the excuse re the wedding being postponed I was more than happy for the whole world not to know our business right now. I don't need to pressure of everyone knowing so I don't see that as a problem.

I am beginning to think I do slightly have the upper hand here so to speak. He has rung me today asking if I still hate him!! Bizarre and child like thing to say. He also asked if I was missing him.

I think you ladies can guess what I said.

I have made a decision that I will not be continuing with this pregnancy should I leave him. I have to think of the two children I have, our ability to survive financially and the future of my family unit as it stands. It would pain me to do it, but I have to admit that I have no emotional attachment to the baby most likely because of what has been going on lately.

OP posts:
dignified · 07/03/2011 17:40

He has rung me today asking if I still hate him!! Bizarre and child like thing to say. He also asked if I was missing him.

Oh dear Daisy.
I suspect you are starting to see a side of his charecter you havent seen before .

LostInTransmogrification · 07/03/2011 17:43

Daisy it is a really hard decision to make about the baby but if you decide not to marry him then it's for the best that you don't have to keep him in your life (or the DCs lives)

I wish you the best ((((((unmumsnetty hug))))))

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 17:48

Sorry dignified can you clarify what you mean by another side of his character. I am suffering a terrible bout of brain rot at the moment!

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 07/03/2011 17:49

Daisy :( I wonder if some of your smoking and drinking is because in your subconscious you have been thinking you weren't going to continue with the pregnancy.

He sounds so emotionally immature - like he doesn't know how to behave in an adult relationship

welshbyrd · 07/03/2011 18:04

Daisy - could he possibly be saying about these trails etc, because he is aware the phone is missing, and have suspicions you have it?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 18:11

Yes I am certain he now knows it is missing. He would most definitely have notice by now.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 07/03/2011 18:15

I honestly don't know how anyone could go ahead and build a new family with someone who has so little empathy, respect or understanding of them. I wouldn't want my kids to have a parent with such an absence of integrity or dignity. Neither would I want a partner who had sexual fantasies so far removed from my own. I am lost in admiration for your moral courage, Daisy! I wish you the very best of luck, and as much comfort & support you can find in real life. x

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 07/03/2011 18:15

The massive problem I have here is before I can really go ahead and terminate a life inside of me I have to be absolutely certain of the man I am with. Because I am getting no where with him I am beginning to panic. Time is definitely not on my side and I would hate to go down the terrible road and later possibly find that he's not some sexual deviant, but that he's just a man with a couple of fantasties he doesn't feel capable of sharing with me for fear of embarrassment or disapproval. Do you see what I mean?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 07/03/2011 18:17

I do, but I don't think he's behaving like someone who loves you. Where's the sharing & caring?

ScaredOfCows · 07/03/2011 18:21

Have you told him that this is the dilemma you are in? Does he understand the complete finality of not being honest and transparent with you?

I would have thought that most mature men would have been moving heaven and earth to do what is required to ensure you have the answers and reassurance that you need to continue with your relationship and with the pregnancy.

welshbyrd · 07/03/2011 18:22

I know this is probably not what you want to hear Daisy, but I can not see how you can consider a termination, without even discussing the text situation with DH.
It does sounds a bit odd, but you have to talk with him, even if he does not defend himself, and it opens a can of worms that you don't want to hear.

With time running out, in regards to the pregnancy, I really think you need to discuss this with him ASAP.

I really hope things work out for you x

youmaynotlikethis · 07/03/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

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piratecat · 07/03/2011 18:26

with so much at stake here upsydaisy, why don't you just tell him what you have found. I don't understand, now after what is it 4 days, why you can't?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/03/2011 18:27

If he's saying that "none of what's happened has any bearing on our future" and is asking if you still hate him, what is he admitting to has happened? According to him, someone hacked into his laptop and he's not prepared to talk about his admission that he's been laying trails for you to fall into. Bizarre.

If this man had an honest agenda, he would be fighting tooth and nail to be transparent and honest, not clamming up and trying to induce your pity. It's like he doesn't really take you seriously, or hasn't woken up to the fact that you've got choices here. Does he assume you won't terminate, or end the relationship, I wonder? Does he think that now you're pregnant, you are vulnerable and will put up with more than you have before?

dignified · 07/03/2011 18:29

Sorry dignified can you clarify what you mean by another side of his character.

The childish comments ie " do you still hate me " which indicate its all about him , kryptic clues , the fact he insists on witholding the things you desperateley need from him right now - the truth , reassurance ect.

IngridBergmann · 07/03/2011 18:29

I'm really sorry this is still going on.

I would tell his mother everything.

Don't do what he would prefer, which is to let her believe what he says...he will NOT want her to know all this. Which is exactly why I think she should.

Regarding the baby, I understand your lack of emotional attachment to it. I suffered the same in my second pregnancy, still cannot stand his father but his father kept out of our lives and I have been desperately in love with my son since he was born.

The pregnancyw as a nightmare but he is a little child and I adore him, we all do.

Just so you know it could all change in that respect. Good luck, whatever happens x

MigratingCoconuts · 07/03/2011 18:30

I don't think that is a particularly helpful post there YOUMAY

I think Daisy knows she is facing some tough decisions and I don't think she needs to be labelled 'selfish' for thinking them through.

squeakytoy · 07/03/2011 18:31

I am sorry, but I have to ask this. Are you considering terminating the baby as a way of "punishing" him. This is a very emotive subject and while I appreciate you are very angry at the moment, please think of all the possible options. :(

youmaynotlikethis · 07/03/2011 18:32

migrating thats the point,you dont make a decision on wether to abort your baby based on if your with/love/trust your partner