I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

So he would rather put you in the position of having to lie to his mum ( and everyone else ) rather than have a simple adult discussion. I would possibly go out and avoid her , i wouldnt want to listen to him lie.

Have you agreed that the wedding should be postponed to September or is this just his decision? Does he actually understand why you want to postpone it?

Can you suggest to him that you go to couples counselling to talk it through if he won't talk to you on his own? If he refuses to talk about it then you can't try and resolve anything. Which is a decision he's making.

'Thinking about this logically I think he possibly did join one of those sites out of curiosity, nothing more. Had no intention of carrying anything through. I also think that possibly the text thing was part of a childish trap set to see if I was still snooping on him.'

This insistence on not discussing things is a serious attempt by him to train you and it seems to be working.

You don't know how to bring things up with him. His behaviour is taking a toll on your health. You are pregnant with his child, sick and miserable. You have to fact picking up your wedding dress. He is telling lies about why the wedding is postponed and still insisting it will happen after the baby is born.

You are not playing games here. He is. And this is not primarily about the texts. It is about trust.

The way he feels about the previous website thing is that you should have got over yourself by now; his refusal to see that your lack of trust is something he needs to work on is a big red flag. It doesn't matter that you were 'snooping'. In this situation, you were looking at a phone that you have used often for your own calls. If he tries to turn this around (as some here on this thread have done) and make out that the problem here is your snooping, then I would really be inclined to pack his things.

Relationship counselling is in order, and lots of it. He must be made to understand that he will need to work for your trust and prove himself, not the other way round -- for you to prove you trust him. That is cock-eyed at the least and gaslighting at worst.

That is an excellent post speaky and I know now how to handle it.

For a while now he has said I could have the old contract phone to use. I originally said I didn't want it and and he said he would pay half of the cost each month. My phone is an old battered thing PAYGO which keeps swithcing off. I will say that I picked the phone up with the intention of telling him I was going to use it in future, turned it on and found the texts.

I will simply say that I cam across the texts and leave it at that. Good move. At least he knows then that I know everything. I will then take myself off for a hot bath as I can't face another row today

What sort of rows have there been? Has he been angry?

Daisy -- why not tell his mother the truth? You are being silenced here.

Why are you considering some sort of excuse to explain what you were doing with the phone?

Why not tell him straight up that you have found texts that have stopped you in your tracks and ask him what he intends to do about your extreme upset? What he intends to do to remedy the situation? What he intends to do to set your mind at rest about this and to prevent any kind of upset like this in the future?

Do not apologise or try to make excuses for finding the texts or for looking through the phone. You have not done anything wrong here.

You are behaving and thinking as if it is his feelings here that matter and not yours.

Math, he wants her to say she was snooping. If she does then he has the higher ground to say she shouldnt have gone rooting looking for something, and he "knew" she was checking up on him so he set a trap..

That just inflames the situation further and wont be conducive to getting the truth out of him, as it will just try to turn it all onto the Op if she so much as lets on that the texts were not found accidently.

There is a lot of difference between accidently stumbling upon dodgy texts and actively going searching for something.

Why aren't you allowed to look at an old spare phone? My boyfriend and I look at each other's phones, not out of distrust but just to be nosey! (when the other person is there too).

As suggested just say yours has given up the ghost and you're using it until getting a new one.

He's being a right weirdo sending texts to himself, and even if they have been put there to "trap" you, that's still not normal behaviour and needs to be addressed!

If his mother asks you anything just refer her to her son for answers!

I don't understand why he has accepted the postponement of the wedding so calmlu when you haven't discussed the main issue you brought up in your OP..the texts..?
Why does he THINK you've postponed the wedding?

also...how can you be seen as snooping reading messages tha were supposedly from yourself? you surely have a right to say you were just looking back at messages 'you' sent?

In light of the previous website thing, the difference between actively looking and stumbling across something shouldn't make a difference to him.

He should feel bad that she still feels she can't trust him. He has done the opposite of making an attempt to change his behaviour following the website business. Doing dodgy things that have a sexual element to them after you have been caught doing the same thing before is the opposite of a trust building behaviour.

He doesn't have any right to say he set a trap (and that is a crock as far as I can see, a very clever way to cover up what he was doing, make her feel she can't trust her instincts). 'Setting a trap' is even worse than the dodgy texts in the context of the relationship. It's not a reasonable excuse for his behaviour. It's a way of making Daisy feel stupid and guilty for poking her nose into something she had no right to -- and she shouldn't feel guilty for her feelings, and she actually does have a right to know what her DP is doing.

She has a right to know all the pertinent facts about this man before she takes the serious step of marrying him and he is denying her that right.

If this escalates somehow and he still can't see that she has this right, can't see that he needs to come clean, can't see how the lack of trust (a situation that is his to remedy and no-one else's) is the problem and not Daisy's snooping, then this relationship is not going to last.

It is not up to Daisy to prove that she trusts him, which is what he is implying with the trail/trap talk.

He is being arrogant and high handed here, expecting Daisy to get over herself with no help from him. There is a basic relationship problem here that he just doesn't seem to 'get'.

Or alternatively he is actively gaslighting her and that is primarily what he is getting out of the relationship -- the thrill of putting one over on someone.

And he is lying to people about the wedding postponement. Lying is not just something someone does, it is part of who this man is, imo.

I think to be fair, nobody else needs to know why the wedding has been postponed, and that sort of lie is perfectly acceptable.

Upsydaisy what a horrible situation, sorry it wasn't as "harmless" as it could have been.

When was he trying to get you to take on the phone contract? You said you hadn't looked at the phone between December? January? and the other day. Is that right?

If he hadn't been so willing (relatively) to postpone the wedding, it would almost look like he had set up a little joke for you to find - as if you would have found it funny/arousing to find the texts and flattering that your name is prefixed by Sexy.

Is there any way at all that one of his mates could have got the phone and set this up? (Unlikely-sounding, I know.)

Or do you think he wanted you to come storming to him in a temper before you'd worked out what was going on?

So are you at the stage where he knows you know something but isn't sure what? Do you think he is bluffing? I presume you've tried saying 'It is a simple matter for you to come clean, and if you choose not to then naturally I will find it hard to trust you.'

Really sorry and hope that either way it's resolved soon.

Dropdeadfred - he is calm about the postponement because he is confident that, by refusing to talk about this, Daisy will back down like the last time. It's a cynical move and if it works I think he will have the confidence to do whatever he likes, safe in the knowledge that he will get away with it. And because Daisy hasn't discussed the texts he is keeping quiet because he doesn't know what she has found ( which makes me think he has been up to no good in more than one area otherwise he would know she had found the texts and say they were a hoax. He is being careful to give her as little info as possible). The trail/trap thing is balls, he is trying to train Daisy not to ask questions.

Sorry for writing this as if you aren't here Daisy [waves]

It's not acceptable to lie without first getting the story straight between the two people whose wedding is being postponed. And the particular lie is going to make Daisy look like the one with the problem.

It is also going to make it that bit more difficult for Daisy to talk with people about the problems she is facing if she first has to explain that what they were told wasn't the truth.

What if she decides to terminate? How will that be explained?

The lie puts pressure on Daisy ultimately, and isolates her from people she might need to talk with.

In the short term her friends and family may do some muttering about their plans being upset. If they think the wedding has been put off because of Daisy's pregnancy, at this late stage, there will be raised eyebrows too. There will be talk and much speculation. The lies will not hold water for long I suspect, but initially Daisy will be the one in the spotlight as allegedly the postponement was because of some issue she has with being a pregnant bride. Not nice for Daisy, but the DP gets off the hook temporarily at least. And if Daisy tries to explain to people afterwards that there's another reason, she may be accused of making things up.

This man seems to have an amazing faculty of saying the first handy thing that pops into his head when under pressure, without any thought to the consequences, as long as it makes him look reasonably good in the short term. The tendency to lie and to let someone else take the heat is worrying.

Why not say 'we have some issues to work through privately'? You don't have to send an itemised list of the issues to people.

clutching at straws here, but could he possibly be saying about these trails etc, because he is aware the phone is missing, and have suspicions you have it?

It simply sounds like you don't trust him and he knows this.

I can't tell if he's trustworthy as he's not my partner.

I think you should bring up that you've found the text and see what his reaction is-if it was some over the top entrapment,I'd say you both need some talking into why you don't trust each other.

Speculating really doesn't help.

Talking does.

I would go so far as to say that the lies about the wedding postponement reveal that this man really rejects any notion of his responsibility for his own actions here.

I agree unreservedly with Math here. However, I think there needs to be some honesty on both sides. At the moment, understandably Daisy you are keeping some cards back; understandable because you suspect this man is playing games with you and will not be honest.

If you believe as you say that he was on those sex sites, it doesn't matter for the moment what you believe his motives were, the fact is he denied even accessing them. You need to tell him that you believe that was a lie. Then perhaps if he admits that lie, you can find out why he was lying and what were his true motives for going on those sites.

If he says it was curiosity, then you both need to discuss where that curiosity came from and whether it is related to an aspect of his sexuality (sex with strangers) that cannot be met in your relationship. If it's that, he either needs to promise he can quell that desire or tell you honestly that he cannot. That gives you your choices back, to trust or walk away, doesn't it?

Similarly, the text issue has gone far beyond the acts themselves. You need to tell him you've found them and you don't need to lie about how or why. If you've always believed he was lying to you about those sex sites, you understandably didn't trust him. If however you genuinely found them by accident, then say so.

You need to find out why he was sending them and FWIW, I think the content of them does allude to fantasies that need exploring, especially as he has previously admitted desires for you to engage in a threesome.

What's more serious though is that he has admitted to setting traps and then refusing to discuss that. That needs unpicking too and it is wholly unreasonable to refuse to discuss unacceptable behaviour. Setting traps in a relationship is harmful, whoever's doing it. If this "trap" business was in fact a lie to cover up what motivated the text content, then he needs to say so. It wouldn't be the first time an instant lie actually showed a person in a worse light than the truth.

I can see how an instant lie to the extended family and friends about the postponed wedding might have seemed attractive and stopped questions about what are after all, personal matters, but it would have been better with hindsight, as Math suggested, if a nebulous "we've got some personal issues to iron out" had been offered. Hence, I wouldn't compound any lies to your future MIL Daisy - I would be honest, without giving specific details and ask her to respect your privacy as a couple.

What I can't get my head around is that he's just accepted postponing the wedding. Didn't he ask you why other than you were pissed off at the 'trails' thing? A normal reaction I would have thought would have been to be very upset and try and understand how you can work together to resolve the issue.

I'm also very impressed by your resolve - the easy (in the short term) option would have been to have just carried on. I hope you're very proud of yourself, particularly given your previous relationship.

I maybe wrong daisy but does this boil down to you questioning your partners sexuality (and sexual preferences).

Sorry if I'm way off the mark there.

Yes..that was my query...if the texts were not mentioned..then what reason did Daisy give for postponing the wedding?

Thanks everyone for your support. I am finding it extremely difficult to judge whether I am handling this in the best way possible. My head is in a whirl and I am finding it very hard to think before I act.

This is a f*cking mess but your posts are really helping me.

FWIW I don't think he is the kind of man who will go off having multiple affairs or that kind of thing. What I am beginning to think is that his fantasies/fixations are based around me having sex with another man. He likes to talk dirty from time to time. It isn't that that is the problem I have. No-one has the right to dictate someones private thoughts and desires, it's the lies and decipts that have come from this.

I am starting to get angry now. A good thing in my eyes. I am seeing my midwife in the morning. I have told her that I am having problems - not what.

Oh and I feel so bad. I had 3 glasses of wine on Friday and I've been smoking (disgusted with myself!)

Drop I told him that I didn't want to get married in 2 weeks time, because in light of his text about trails, traps etc I wasn't about to committ myself to a man capable of behaving like that especially when I am 12 weeks pregnant with his child.

I told him that the sex site stuff was still causing an issue with trust and although I was pretty sure it wasn't still going on. I was no longer happy to accept his answer based on this recent development about traps being set to see if I was snooping.

I told him they were an elaborate cover up to something else he had been up to.

The text was cruel and I was not about to be mad a mug of.