I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

I think it's understandable that repeated suggestions happen in a very long thread, but just to confirm that this was all suggested by several people in this thread's infancy, because it is the most logical explanation. However, Daisy confirmed that these texts were sent from and to the same spare phone and having checked the bills for that contract phone, it has only been used on two specific dates in recent months; the dates these texts were sent and received.

there's no doubt that he's re-sent them to himself, but the new twist (sorry malificence!) is that it probably wasn't him that originally wrote them

WHy has he git a spare phone in the first place?

I ran this be DH and he imediately aid 'an affair' but I am not sure.

Issues;

Porn/dirty talk (which OP is ok about)
secrecy - OP not ok about on a number of occasions
Privacy - OP is ok about this
Lies - OP not ok about when asking DP
Manipulation? - making out to OP to be mistaken/silly?

spare phone is explained - something like new phoe but old contract not quite expired yet

Yep - That's why Stealth, he wanted an iPhone so got it even though the other contract was still in use.

Well it does seem plausible soemtimes you just cant wait and if budget wasnt tight why not, so I think it is plausible.

But surely the point here is his attitude about the whole thing. Why isn't he at least attempting to reassure Daisy, rather than talking about her falling into traps and that she'll never be told what's really going on. That, for me, would be the dealbreaker in all this. Oh, apart from the online dating stuff from before. Oh and the dodgy friends and occasional coke use.

Just read through the last days posts. Pleased that we have had an update, but shame it doesn't sound too hopeful at this stage.

Ingrid, Squeaky, Thingumy, Fourfortyfour - Sorry about the hijack here but in relation to the crap daytime shag thread referred to earlier, which was me under the H20 guise, I was actually grateful to get the opposing opinions that were expressed. However, the people suggesting that it was rape did rattle me. Still, it really just elucidated the different trains of thought that I could have followed myself, and then I was able to make up my own mind about what I felt to be the truth of how I felt. I do think someone more generally vulnerable could get scared by some of the more extreme interpretations though. For example, in the thread I'm referring to, a suggestion was made that the bloke might come back for more, and that could have raised the image of him forcing entry or something - a ramping up of the idea that he was determined once he was through the door (which he was). This is a valid and possible scenario, but complete speculation based on other peoples experience.

)In fact of course, most of the time the worst case scenario doesn't occur (thank-god). In this case, the guy pursued it after the event, but in an annoying and slightly disconcerting manner rather than in a threatening/intimidating manner.)

Anyway, reverting to Daisy it will be interesting to find out how she makes sense of this situation and how she has tackled it.

That was nice of you to share that wiley I think the extremes of advice are usually balance out by others too.

daisey hope you are ok

Thank you for coming back to us, wiley. I just hope you are okay now.

Well we have now postponed the wedding, almost everyone has been told and I now have the awful task of going to collect my beautiful wedding dress.

The weekend was horrendous and I am now more confused than ever about this whole situation.

I confronted him about his text claiming that I had fallen into a trail. I asked him outright what this trail was and he wouldn't tell me. Simply saying that he was pissed of with the fact that I had been snooping. He said that he had done a couple of things to see if I was still checking up on him. It all sounds very childish I know.

I held back on the text issue and still haven't confronted him about that. Will keep that to myself until I really need to.

What I don't understand is that these messages were in the outbox of his spare phone. The recipient was sexy... with the spare phone number. I can assure you that the texts were definitely not from another woman as a couple referred to don't wait up I won't be home tonight, or I am bringing ... home.
My partner spends every night with me, he has no interest in going out at night with the lads and when we go out and let our hair down we tend to always do it together or with a group of friends. He has no interest in being away from his family in his spare time. Apart from work and the gym on the way home I know where he is every evening and night. So I am in no doubt that those text were written by him and sent to himself. They are not old texts from anyone else as I knew they weren't there in December because I have freely used that phone to make calls and texts would have noticed them. So I am left with two options, either he likes the idea of me sending explicit texts of that nature or that is part of his trail. I am not ready to pull that one on him.

He is determined that we work this through and wants to get married as soon as we are back on track.

The problem I have with this scenario is that the man I see in front of me is the kind of man that everyone would want to settle down with. It's not that he says the things you want to hear or tryies to charm you. It's that on a day to day basis his actions are totally honourable. He is devoted, has made massive changes to his lifestyle to become a family man, does anything that is needed for my children and me. Plans for a future with me, not just talks about it but carries things through to make mine and the boys lives better. I could go on and on.

There is still this question though at the back of my head and I don't see how I am really ever going to get to the bottom of it.

Thinking about this logically I think he possibly did join one of those sites out of curiousity, nothing more. Had no intention of carrying anything through. I also think that possibly the text thing was part of a childish trap set to see if I was still snooping on him.

Trouble is I just don't know and really and truly I have no idea where to go from here.

I have postponed the wedding, he has told eveyone that it will be happening around September time (when I've had the baby). He has asked for deposits to be held on to and details kept on file at all the suppliers, florists, suit shops etc. He is adamant that this will all be ok.

I just think that the damage is too great now and I can't see how we can come back from this, whether I want to or not.

I can only imagine what your weekend has been like UPSDAISY this must have been very difficult.

I dont want to pick over everything, just take your time and trust your instincts too. If you are able to talk more it is possible that you can work through this, but it does require open and honest from both sides. It can be hard to forgive but not impossible. I had to forgive a lot and so did my DH but it can be very empowering.

Please make sure you are looking after yourself (I know its obvious but its easy to forget too), just be on your guard and take you time to respond to anything between you.

I think it is good that you are able to serperate this behaviour from him as a person day to day and how he treats you/family time.

I am also pleased you feel reassure that he is not having an affair as this can be terrible not knowing one way or the other.

The damage seems so great but marriages do survive, such things. IMO if he manipulated you - why? if there is some silly secret /sexual reason behind texts then so what you CAN work through it.

Maybe he was testing whether you trust him? If so is that so bad maybe he needs to explain his insecurity if this is the case.

I'm still not getting why you held back on telling him about the texts.

Surely you can't work through anything unless you bring that up and talk about it.

Best of luck though.

He is determined that we work this through and wants to get married as soon as we are back on track.

But not determined enough to explain the trail comment though.

" Done a couple of things to see if you were checking up " is childish and ridiculous . Kryptic talk of trails is childish and ridiculous full stop.
If there is a lack of trust then its up for discussion , people dont go around setting traps.

Considering hes refusing to discuss these things i think youve done the right thing in post poning.

I saw no point at the time in mentioning the texts as he would simply say that that was the trail.

I know he wrote those texts and sent them from the phone to the phone. I have been holding out on him coming clean about his "trail". But it seems I have got no where.

I'm not really sure how to broach the subject now.

Forgive me for not thinking clearly but I am pregnant, extremely sick and my head is all over the place. I have had to postpone the wedding to the man who's child I am carrying and I am extremeley confused as to what my next move should be. Part of me wants to run for the hills!!

Any ideas about how to mention the texts would really be appreciated.

Even if the truth is that the texts really are a "trap", then the fact that he is still prepared to play games with you even now, with everything hanging in the balance, speaks volumes. I wouldnt mention the texts, if he doesnt, then you know how its going to be.

OP you are a brave and intelligent woman, well done for postponing the wedding
I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice on how to go about mentioning the texts
I just wanted to try and give you some encouragement, I think you're doing the right thing to follow your instincts
I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling well at the moment, poor you pregnant and with all that to worry about :(
Maybe take some time to think, wait until you feel a bit better and your thoghts become clearer...
I think your instincts will keep guiding you, listen to them!

I really think that the texts are the main issue here and he really needs to explain them.

As for getting married I would say clearly that you will not marry someone who lays trails for you and then refuses to tell you what they are and clear up the dishonesty in the relationship.

He shouldn't be annoyed that you have been checking up on him, he should feel bad.

And tell him not to tell people you are not getting married because you are pregnant but because you feel he is being dishonest.

He is lying again by saying that. He is not a very honest person it seems.

Its really hard while you are pregnant as you feel so vunerable but you must clear up this issue of dishonesty if you are to have a baby with this man.

I really feel for you he sounds not very nice to be with at the moment.

Not making light of it Daisy , but seeing as hes not willing to discuss the trail i dont think i could be arsed to mention the texts because in a way , there not really very important now i dont think.

Hes made kriptic referances to a trail then is refusing to discuss it with you , thats sounding to me like a power play . He doesnt get to decide what is and isnt up for discussion .

Honestly , these sort of conversations and a refusal to explain yourself are not normal .Your clearly upset and stressed , something he could resolve if he chose to , but hes not willing to .

I think i would broach it by saying either quit the shit and come clean or fuck off out . These mind games are too much in teens , never mind grown men.

Thanks for your messages of encouragement. Part of me almost wants to forward one of the filthy texts saying " so this is how honest you are and this is how much you want the relationship to work!"

Not the most adult way I know but I just can't face any more lengthy discussions right now.

I am sick and tired and this ie really beginning to take its toll on my physical and emtional health.

But you are both playing games and being untruthful with each other!

You don't trust him and were snooping, and now haven't been up front about that, while he is either indulging on dodgy behaviour or setting traps and 'trails', but won't tell you...

Find a time at which you both agree to be totally open an honest with each other. TELL him you looked at the texts and ask what he was up to with them. Maybe it WAS a trap - in which case you both need to talk about why you snoop, why he sets traps etc.

If you forward the message and he says it was a trap, then you are still no further forward because you STILL need to have the open honest talk, if you want the elationship to go forward.

I think you should go and talk about it with a relationship counsellor.

I would say the trail are the texts and he wants you to admit to finding them, so that he can then ask why you were snooping.

I think you HAVE to discuss them. If you cant, then there really isnt a point going on because this is always going to be playing on your mind.

You can say you were not snooping, your own phone was not working/no network/no credit/you needed to test something/needed a number that was on the old phone... any reason.. and you simply came across these texts when you used the phone.

You dont have to say what you think about them. Dont say that you think he wrote them. Dont give him any lead to follow... see what explanation he comes up with first.

But you really do have to deal with the texts or the mistrust just wont go away.

If he IS a decent bloke who just has fantasies in his head of you being really "dirty" with him, then that is much better that it is you he is fantasising about, and not some other woman. But at least give him the rope to hang himself first, so to speak.

His mother is now asking questions (to him) whether there is more to our postponement that meets the eye. She is coming here tomorrow and I'm not sure how on earth I am going to look the woman in the eye!

I know she will probe and I haven't got the faintest idea what to say.

I think its more likeley hes been engaging in some sort of dodgy behaviour. If you were to find out he can claim it was a trap. Ridiculous.

This sort of hinting at stuff is absurd .Hes gone to the trouble of making sure you know about the trail , and is now refusing to discuss it. How powerfull he must feel.

Hinting at stuff like this is a power play , it keeps one partner guessing and unsure while the hinter secretly enjoys the guessing and attempts to discuss it.So he knows your upset , but still refuses to clear it up. Hes not sounding very nice.