I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

It's just a bit baffling that in reference to a thread where it was about 15:1 NOT rape, there is actually a perceived danger that the people in the 1 part of the ratio are going to somehow convince the OP that it was rape.

Why are they seen as such a threat, while being in such a massive minority?

Sorry, this is a hijack...I don't mind if no one answers.

If it's the same thread I recall the op didn't actually ask if she had been raped she posted about her feelings regarding a day time shag.
The op said several times that she wasn't raped.

And the Op was told, several times that "even though you dont feel you have been raped, you have been raped"

It didn;t stop people surmising either way though, did it? And the massive majority said she wasn't raped.

And she went away and decided she wasn't raped - so however she came to that conclusion, I don't think it's fair to blame those who suggested she was raped - do you?

on a lighter note i have just tried out gaslighting on my dp. I put his car keys in the fridge.

He couldnt find them then made a cup of tea and found them when getting the milk. I even gave him a hint by saying when he was looking for them 'have you tried in the fridge?'

He just came in to tell me he'd found them in the fridge and how weird was that after i'd suggested it. Despite me struggling to maintain a straight face i said 'why did you put them in there?' 'dont know, must be losing my mind' he replied!

Sorry, just this thread made me want to try it.

Hopefully that made you laugh op.

I hope you owned up!

Seems it's not about the op's experience of the issue but about the importance of what other posters surmise.

OP sorry if i've missed something but i've skimmed though the thread and think i might know what the nature of the 'trap' might be.

you can set texts to send a "read receipt" to the sender when they are opened. is it possible your OH sent texts to this spare phone programmed in as your name to see if you would check it / read the messages? if he had sent the messages to the phone but not yet opened/read them himself (which seems quite likely as he had sent them) he would know when they had been opened (read) as he would get a message back to his phone.

maybe i'm wrong but none of it sounds like a very good basis for a relationship.

What do you mean, Thingumy? That she decided based on the majority verdict, rather than her experience and own sense of what happened?

I don't think that. I think she took it all on board and went and made her own mind up.

I don't think it mattered that two people said it was rape. Nor did it matter that 30 odd said it wasn't.

That's my point. And I don't understand why, therefore, she is telling us to 'be careful' that the 2 people might make us think it really was rape, while the 30 clearly don't have that amount of influence.

it's possible when you said you didn't know what he was on about he might have got slightly panicked and worried someone else (your kids?) had got hold of the phone and read them.

Or if you mean the thread turned into a debate, well, yes it did. And it was very interesting and I don't think that it detracted from what the OP needed in terms of support.

that's just my view, obviously. I hope it didn't detract.

If it was the daytime shag thread i can see why there was mixed opinions. If i remember right he went to the house with the clear intention of having sex and made that quite clear .

The op on that thread objected , yet he continued anyway and she went along with it for a variety of reasons.

I would say that any man who knowingly has sex with a unwilling woman is a rapist. Whether she feels she was raped or not is up to her , but i think thats how a lot of people saw the man in that situation.

What was wrong and out of order was the people who continued to say she had been raped when she said she hadn't. Why did they feel the need to carry on? It helps no one to be told they have been raped when they feel they have not.

No I meant there seems to be alot of projection through surmising.

If the op says oh no I wasnt raped I would listen to that and not tell the op what she feels ie oh you may feel it's not rape but it is.

People need to listen to the op more and not use these threads to project.

And in THIS case the OPs experience is that something is not right in her relationship. She is asking advice on what that thing might be. The DP has exhibited poor behaviour on more than one occasion, and certain posters seem to be convinced that she is just a bit hysterical about it.

The DP is surely aware of what she went through in the previous relationship. A "nice" dp would make the effort to demonstrate - at least in the early days (which these are) - that he wasn't the same, and could be trusted. Instead, he signs up to sex dating sites and sends weird text messages, and then denies all knowledge. He then goes on to talk about laying trails and setting traps.

I can't believe that some posters think seem to think that this is normal behaviour, and that the OP is wrong and a bit neurotic to be concerned about it.

Sounds like daisy is still waiting for proper answers to her questions. I really wish that she gets them. Maybe there is a genuine rational reason behind his odd behaviour. I can't think what that might be, but still...

Fuppy , i know you did that in a light hearted manner , but it demonstrates clearly just how easy it is to do.

I see why it may not be helpful to the person concerned.

However when people have an idea of what constitutes rape, and they don't feel that others are seeing it in the same way or taking it seriously, I think they feel a duty to try and get across to the other people that it was (in their version of what rape is) actually rape.

Whether or not the OP thought it was.

That's my take on it and I didn't mind them discussing the definition of rape as it was interesting, but I can see that it may not have helped the OP very much. However neither did the posts telling her she was a disgrace and shuld have kept her knickers on.

You're bound to get differing viewpoints on these threads; they are very emotive, and I don't believe most participants meant any harm. Some probably did of course but you get that everywhere.

Hi Daisey just wanted to say that I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. You need to get this sorted before you go any further in this relationship.
Good luck with your parents!

(ps why is there such a lot of irrelevent posting going on...have I missed something?)

I just read my post to dp, the slow dawning on his face was hilarious. He laughed and called me a 'bugger'

Seriously though, it did show easy it was and also how unsettling it must be for anyone on the other end (of a serious attempt).

I think the majority of posters hope daisy gets answers in regards to her partners weird text thing.

I have just sat and read this whole long thread as your OP got me really interested to know what happened. I hope you are OK. Sorry you don't have answers, I am shocked that he would let you cancel the wedding by not just telling the truth! I did think that it was innocent and just a weird, embarrassing fantasy of his, but reading your update today, I am now really confused. If it was innocent, why wouldn't he just tell all?!

I hope your OK and that he tells you the truth tonight.

The thing is, on an internet forum (and particularly one like this) you get polarized opinions on sensitive issues. So any distressed OP is going to get both sides of the debate - whether it's 'All men are bastards, leave him now before he kills you and rapes your corpse' or whether it's 'come on, men are like that but we love them anyway, just suck it up and suck some cock or you might end up SINGLE'. In a way, reading the extremes at both ends of the scale might actually be helpful as it encourages a poster to pick her own way through her options and be aware that the world is not necessarily the way her H/P/friends/loopy mother see it.

SGB, those are really cool extremes you have there too

upadaisey I posted near start of thread i do believe there are things to sort out for you, and I shared a bit if my story (a bit similar re porn and secrecy but no manipulation accusation of lying)

I would like to add that I think you have done great to wait and not go mental (I did) you seem as if you have been calm and controlled in your handling, although I know you must feel very different inside - you have shown a lot of strength AND not got dragged into sub-issues by others on here.I would like to add:

We had issues with porn (and other stuff) and worked through them (following a seperation) and now are very happy. I know it is not the same situation but being positive I think it is great you have given yourself some space by postponing wedding and going to talk to your parents.

I admire your strength, especially as you have two DC's to care for and pg hormones. I always thought my DH was a good man but couldnt accept aspects of his behaviour, it can help to seperate the two.

I like you am open minded re porn. Having read more on this thread it has reminded me how my DH didnt lie or make excuses he did try to deflect away from issue he was fuming because he got caught and he ran for cover (me thinks) this for us was s ympton of much bigger issues (sorted now after a lot of work) I hope this helps in that you are not alone with having to deal with such crap and there is more than one outcome available, the anxiety to try and sort out and get answers can be overwhelming and all consuming. You cant control him or force him but you can control how you respond - I found this very powerful and still remind me about this now when we argue. HTH ((hugs))

One other thing, Have you thought about what you are going to tell your parents and if they press you for answers as sometimes if you tell the whole truth to nearerst/dearest they may not forgive even if you can so do think about future esp as baby involved.

Hope youve managed a sleep and eaten somthing I wish I could give you a glass of wine too

Take care x

Thanks for the update Daisy. I'm glad you're okay and hope that you get the answers you desperately need really soon.