I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

No I haven't gone through every previous thread or posting of the OP's posts I have a very busy life and mumsnet is a rare guilty pleasure not a full time occupation.

She considered an abortion but chose to continue with the pregnancy - hardly damning one way or another.

nice garlicbutter, real nice.

Gosh, for someone with limited time, I'm amazed that you've managed to find the time to read this entire thread. Perhaps you should make more of an effort to get the whole story before you go off half-cocked in future

com on now... no need for this
Don't make OP have to wade through 2 pages of irrelevant msg

I hope you are feeling as though you have got more information today Daisy.

My post is in response to squeaky's and also partially in response to notalways.

I've also seen vulnerable posters' threads distorted by respondents' agendas, but I don't think it's anything like as one-sided as you think. I certainly think there are one or two posters on Mumsnet who have damaging beliefs about men as a sex and use the Relationships threads to further an anti-men (as opposed to a feminist) agenda but equally, I think there is a bigger group of posters who hijack threads for their own anti-feminist agenda, completely riding roughshod over the OP's beliefs and distress.

For example, if a poster is feeling distressed and hurt by the secrets her partner is keeping, usually in relation to porn or in this case, sex sites and secret texts, these posters' responses tend not only to ridicule how the OP feels ("Meh, what's a bit of porn?) but they also minimise or distort the facts, hence interacting with real women on a dating site is minimised, to "internet porn". At some point, these posters also see fit to criticise the OP for her feelings, or to blame the OP for her partner's behaviour.

So far in this thread, Daisy has been asked if she had forgotten that she had sent the texts herself (!), told that her partner is only keeping secrets because of her disproportionately bad reactions to his understandable sexual behaviour, told to "chill" and advised that her reactions might be skewed by her pregnancy hormones. In summary, some unbelievably patronising statements to an intelligent woman.

As a general comment, I think all of us have a responsibility to take our agendas out of the real-life relationships threads and onto the debating threads, but it feels wholly disingenuous to claim that there is only one agenda operating, when threads like this descend into bitter arguments and point-scoring.

I've also noticed that the posters who actually care about the OP's distress are the ones who tend to stick around and don't join the thread to have an argument, further their own agenda - and disappear when that need has been sated.

You're right boxing. Apologies Daisy

I completely agree that some of the advice on here can be tantamount to scaremongering. I don't think it is deeliberate in any way, but people of course put a personal spin on it and only have words on a page to judge the situation by. I posted here under a defferent name in relation to a bad sex experience and it became a major rape debate. Half way through the thread I did start to consider the possibility that I had been raped, which I hadn't. All the people that posted were well meaning but you do have to be careful!

Great post WWIFN

hmmmm...

....well I wouldn't normally post but felt I had to in this case due to just how far other posters were turning something odd into something sinister.

And, the OP was being very influenced. Despite having no more evidence to go on than she had at the start she was talking about cancelling her wedding.

WWIFN - I don't accept its equal - there is definitely a considerable bias towards the men hating, abuse identifying posters.

Well ignoring all this, I'm actually worried about the OP, but there's not much I can do to find out if she is Ok or not. So I hope it's OK just to say that here without it being taken as 'scaremongering' or 'men hating'.

bias towards the men hating, abuse identifying posters.

Why do you assume that women who can and do identify abuse are man haters ?

Hello everyone. I have been trying to get on here all day to up date. I can't go into it now as I am not on my own. However we did have a long dicussion last night and I am still pressing for answers to some of my questions. I will not stop until get them.

I have told him that the wedding has to be postponed as I will not marry him until I am satisfied that he can be trusted. Today things have been cancelled and I am going to talk to my parents tomorrow.

I have also said that it will be over if I don't get answers to my questions. It has to be said that it isn't going well.

I am sorry but I am unable to read the many posts since last night, but I will come back and update you all.

Thank you for your concern x

Perhaps because he or she is buying into the stereotype. If you want to educate other women that they are (possibly, on other threads) being abused, you obviously have an anti-man agenda. Or something.

I'm not sure, I don't think I have the energy to get involved.

What a nightmare for you Daisy.

Stay strong.

Thanks for updating.

Oh thank goodness you're Ok, thankyou for coming to update us. Sounds like you are hanging in there and I hope you do get some proper answers.

Good luck x

I'd credit the OP with the wisdom and intelligence to make a decision about the wedding herself, actually.

Notalways there might be a lot of posters suggesting abuse, because unfortunately, there is a lot of abuse in the lives of the posters who start threads on this board. And FWIW, I've often taken issue with posters who attribute sinister motives to an isolated incident, who automatically assume that the man in the relationship is by default, in the wrong and also those posters who appear to have a complete blind-spot about poor female behaviour and personal responsibility.

However, keep an open mind and look with fresh eyes at some of the threads that get hijacked by the pro-porn, anti-women agenda. So many threads get derailed by an insistence that an OP (usually a woman) is over-reacting and should just chill out about all kinds of male deceit and lying. I often think it's borne out of the discomfort such posters feel about the bargains they make in their own lives, so they have an agenda to tell other women to be laid back and accept a whole range of behaviours that their male partners would never tolerate in reverse.

At one end of the spectrum it's best summarised by the "men will be men" agenda and at the other, it perhaps fits the "if you can't beat him, join him" mantra, but both ends of the spectrum compel women either to tolerate or embrace behaviour that is unacceptable to them, either personally or politically.

By the way, Wileycoyote, I'm glad that you were not raped.

I'm also glad that you were able to make up your own mind about it despite whatever other people were saying, in either direction.

I bet there were a whole lot of people on your thread telling you that you hadn't been raped - or was everyone saying the same thing, that you had?

Cross-posted before you came back to update Daisy. Good for you. I think talking to your parents is also a wise move. I seem to recall you saying that your family were a great support to you after your marriage broke up and so they will have your best interests at heart.

Wiley I remember your thread and said a few times it wasn't helpful to state you had been raped when you, the person who was actually there, didn't feel you had. It doesn't help at all. I hope you are okay and that person isn't giving you any hassle.

Im sorry youve not got some answers ,hope your getting lots of support.

Glad you are OK daisy! I am also glad that you are making it clear to your dp that you won't put up with any disrepectful behaviour. I really hope you can sort all this out for the best, whatever scenario that might be.

If it's the same thread I'm thinking of, FFF, there were about two people saying it was rape and about thirty or more saying it wasn't.

and about two saying they weren't really sure.

What does that tell us? She decided it wasn't. And here she is warning us to 'be careful' in case we are influenced by those who said it was.

Threads where rape or anything of that nature is raised often becomes a heated discussion because some people veiw it as they didnt feel raped therefore they werent.

Others veiw it that the law says a b c constitute rape , a b c occured therefore it is rape. Usually most people agree that whatever it was , it wasnt nice and shouldnt have happened , others have very strong veiws about it and are keen that people not minimize it.

Glad you are finally talking OP,I hope your partner opens up and gives you the answers that you need.

hope your parents will be able to support you Daisy. They may be a great sounding board for you if you can share your concerns with them. x