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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
sakura · 05/03/2011 05:49

Some people have forgotten that this is primarlily a a support forum not a whoddunnit forum, which means that you can only take the OP on face value.

I hope you are just naive and misguided, Heroine, because the alternative- [that you know exactly what you are doing when you persistently go on threads using psychobabble to get women to mistrust themselves and their perceptions] is quite horrible

IngridBergmann · 05/03/2011 07:44

You're right, Sakura. I wish I had stuck to my own promise to ignore her. It's so hard trying to contain a deliberate derailment.

I hope that knowing we are waiting for her to update will be one very small source of strength to the OP, wherever she is at the moment with the situation.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/03/2011 09:03

I suppose the stance to take would be the same as when dealing with a troll. Dont feed it, ignore and it will tire of the "game".

OP, I hope you have some clarity and your talk went well yesterday.

IngridBergmann · 05/03/2011 09:05

Yes, Quint, that might have worked - unfortunately I didn't stick to ignoring!

QuintessentialShadows · 05/03/2011 09:07

It happens, it takes a little to click on to who these posters are. I made the same mistake on another thread yesterday..... I will know in the future! Grin
I hope.

Heroine · 05/03/2011 09:12

Of ffs is that how you deal with all who disagree with you - try to get 'everyone' to see their objections as 'trolling' I just do not think for a moment that someone sending fantasy rude texts to themselves under their partners name is anything like a rehearsal of an alibi for abusive psychotic behaviour in the same way accidently breaking a wine glass in the washing up isn't evidence of a psychotic temper and I think its unforgivable that some of you (sakura especially) have used the tiniest thing to try to drive a wedge between OP and partner by convincing her it is evidence of the 'fact' he sees her as an interchangeable woman or as evidence he is creating a convoluted alibi to hide a possible massive rapist style misdeed in the future.. that is paranoid man-hating rubbish and it unforgivable.

IngridBergmann · 05/03/2011 09:16

whatever you say.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 09:29

I do think Heroine makes a very valid point.

I have seen many a thread where a vulnerable Op has been practically railroaded by a certain group of like-minded posters, and has gone from wanting a bit of advice about a husbands silly behaviour, which would warrant a bit of a serious conversation, or admonishing, to convincing them that their husband is a psychopathic madman who is likely to beat her to a pulp or rape her.

I have seen the same posters giving some excellent advice to some who genuinely are in need of that support, but not ALL men are as bad as the extreme cases.

I do wonder sometimes, if a marriage which could have got back on track has been ruined because of the brainwashing an Op has been given on some of the threads, which have skewed the reality of their situation, because others have projected their own irrational hatred of all men onto the Ops problem.

If anyone has come along and posted a more rational explanation they get shouted down and told they know nothing, which is wrong, because the whole idea of these boards are to bring together different people with different views, not people who are all the same.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 05/03/2011 09:32

Yes Quint - quite.

I really hope that Daisy is OK.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 05/03/2011 09:33
IngridBergmann · 05/03/2011 09:37

Squeaky, though I disagree with it, as I believe the OP is intelligent enough to decide for herself - a valid point could have been made quite easily by Heroine without going completely bloody mad.

When someone starts making stuff up about what was said then I think it devalues anything they might be trying to put across, which is a shame really. Everyone deserves the right to be heard on a thread. Just not if they go about it with such extreme delivery.

Portofino · 05/03/2011 09:40

Hope you are OK this morning daisy!

dignified · 05/03/2011 09:47

I have seen many a thread where a vulnerable Op has been practically railroaded by a certain group of like-minded posters, and has gone from wanting a bit of advice about a husbands silly behaviour, which would warrant a bit of a serious conversation, or admonishing, to convincing them that their husband is a psychopathic madman who is likely to beat her to a pulp or rape her.

Ive never seen anyone trying to convince someone that their husband is going to rape them or beat them. However , ive seen many a thread where the exact opposite has happened , ie , ive seen threads where a man bullies a wife into having sex , ive seen people replying suggesting she needs to go to the gp , that if shes not carefull he,ll go somewhere else ect ect.

lovenamechange100 · 05/03/2011 13:24

Hope you are ok OP one decision at time.

wileycoyote · 05/03/2011 13:33

Still no update? Hope all ok.

collision · 05/03/2011 13:42

bump

MissGreatBritain · 05/03/2011 14:16

Hope all is ok with you OP.

Mouseface · 05/03/2011 14:29

Daisy

Hope you are okay. x

notalways · 05/03/2011 15:10

This has got to be the most bonkers thread I have ever read on mumsnet. Well done Heroine - you've called it for what it is.

Daisy - your man might be a sexually deviant nutter who wants to mess with your head til you've turned mad. and he might not - ask him, sounds like he'll probably tell you.

I think you really have to deal with your past relationship and put it to bed. I'd be interested to know whether you have ever had therapy to get over how devious and destructive your ex was and how messed up your relationship was in the end. Your ex has been an arse all week and I bet is has got you thinking and linking his behaviour with what could go wrong with your current partner. It would be almost impossible - even with therapy - not to be carrying the mistrust and certainty over "how men behave" over into this relationship.

The text message thing does sound odd but thats all you could really say - its odd behaviour, not sinister. Its only sinister when you start adding made up bits on.

I am really sorry that you ended up "confronting" him with all of this after having been ramped right up by the crazies on this site. I doubt it will have gone well. I bet there is a reasonable, albeit embarrassing, explanation.

You sound very stressed, not surprising given the wedding and pregnancy. I hope he's given you a whole heap of love and reassurance and your feeling chilled and happy today.

dignified · 05/03/2011 15:31

So now the op needs therapy to get over her distrust of men.

Nothing to do with finding him on sex sites of course

Mouseface · 05/03/2011 15:43

Well said dignified

Regardless of who agrees with what, there is more to this than just odd sexual text messages that he sent to himself.

Daisy has said that she found him using sex sites.

Maybe they do just need to talk about the texts, or maybe he is a complete twat, and is gaslighting her.

WE don't know, do we?

So why not wait to see if Daisy comes back to update?

notalways · 05/03/2011 15:56

The sex site saga had been put to bed by the OP and her partner - resolved to such a degree that she was content to marry, oh and conceive a child with the man.

The OP is 11 weeks pregnant therefore vulnerable emotionally - she has a wedding in 2 weeks and therefore stressed. She has an arse of an ex who is winding things up this week and therefore adding to her stress.

As women can't we recognise all of these vulnerabilities and not add to her distress by talk of gaslighting and oh lord all the other guff put out there. Its so unkind.

I just hope you all didn't crank her stress levels up to a degree where there was no possibility of a rational discussion last night. The woman is pregnant ffs, try not to add to her stress levels.

dignified · 05/03/2011 16:07

I dont think the sex site saga had ever been properly resolved as its not possible to resolve something like that when the other person denys it happened even in the face of damming evidence.

However , it is possible to overlook it because you love someone , and give them another chance . Unfortunateley it never quite goes away which is probably why she checked his phone in the first place.

LadyBiscuit · 05/03/2011 16:09

Presumably you've searched the OP by name notalways if you know that the sex sites incident occurred before she conceived. While you were doing that, did you also happen to come across the thread when she realised she was pregnant and seriously considering having an abortion or did you choose to overlook that?

garlicbutter · 05/03/2011 16:13

She probably did overlook it, Lady. She's a woman, you know, her hormones prevent her from thinking clearly Hmm