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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Trillian · 04/03/2011 19:39

My guess is he has been showing off to his mates

JaxTellersOldLady · 04/03/2011 19:45

heroine nobody has tried to convince the OP about anything horrendous is going on. All posters have tried to do is give some insight or suggest some reasons why her fiance has been behaving in a bizarre way. And texting yourself is weird, joining a no strings shagfest is not the norm when you are in a loving relationship and just about to get married.

Swearing at people who disagree with you is not big or clever.

Like I said earlier, I hope OP is having a proper conversation and getting clear answers.

garlicbutter · 04/03/2011 20:04

I'm grateful to this thread. It's taught me two things. One is that I've drawn a clear boundary for myself in future relationships - any secret 'weirdness' and I'm off. I needed to learn this.

I do have an agenda, Heroine & pals! Having been roundly stitched up by my ex, to the point where I literally didn't believe my own eyes (caught him with an OW), I've been left with no choice but to learn about control techniques such as gaslighting. I don't see it everywhere, thank god, but I do notice it where more innocent observers might not.

The second thing I've gained from this thread is an answer to "Why did I put up with it?" I'm sure that question bothers a lot of people who have been in power-imbalanced relationships. Thanks to everyone on upsydaisy's thread, I'm now comfortable that I put up with it because of the intense pressure from other women to be understanding, tolerant, and not to nag. It wasn't my fault, except that I was mistaken to give in to that poressure.

Daisy, I'm sorry for my "all about me" post and I trust you understand why I wanted to say it. The overwhelming message I've taken from my own experience is that we should take our own disquiet very seriously.

I'm sorry for you, to be going through such a storm of doubt and fear. I hope your evening has proved manageable, and am delighted to hear you've confided in a real-life friend. Take care.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/03/2011 20:23

What garlic said.

dignified · 04/03/2011 20:25

I'm now comfortable that I put up with it because of the intense pressure from other women to be understanding, tolerant, and not to nag. It wasn't my fault, except that I was mistaken to give in to that poressure.

Very well said.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 04/03/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 20:32

Is that pressure really from other women though, dignified? When I left my exH my grandmother wrote me a letter stating in plain terms that she was "disappointed" and basically implied that she had put up with it, so I should too. But she brought me up - I saw her life and was no way plannng to replicate it! The letter made me very sad.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 04/03/2011 20:33

Egomaniacs aside....

I hope Daisy is OK :(

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 20:34

Chipping - love your new name! Did you buy the Lakeland one? Grin

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 20:38

QS I may be thinking what you are thinking...

dignified · 04/03/2011 20:45

I think it is sometimes Porto , they mean no harm and dont usually know theyre doing it. There was a discussion on another thread and i said how my ex " decided " we were a couple and would turn up regularly uninvited .

I didnt want to go out with him and spoke to family and freinds about it. They said i was being tight , that he was a nice guy , that i should be flattered he was interested in me . I said i didnt like him , raised concerns and was told to ignore them because " men are like that " , or that i was sensitive sometimes and tended to aparently over react. No one said i shouldnt go out with him if i didnt want to , or that his behaviour wasnt ok. They all said i was tight.

On that same thread , another poster suddenly realised she was doing the exact same thing to her teenage daughter. Her daughter had a boyfreind who she wanted rid of , he was turning up unanounced and refusing to take no for an answer , not listening to her ect.

The mum had told her daughter she was lucky that he was interested in her , that she could do a lot worse , and when it came to finishing with him , she encouraged her daughter to consider his feelings .

This has happened a lot to me. Ive been encouraged to doubt my own reality " is it really that bad ?" , encouraged to excuse him because " all men are like that " ect ect .

Portofino · 04/03/2011 20:47

But math - most people haven't been hysterical on here. Op at least is aware that some men have a script. Her eyes are open. She loves this guy, but at least can go into a discussion where he will not be fobbing her off with crap.

I do lots of negotiations at work. You always try to work out in advance what the other party is after, what their motivations and sticking points are. Then you think about what YOU want. Then you think of a strategy that works.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 20:50

dignified! Hmm Sad From the comment I made about my GM, I DO think that some people put up with unhappy relationships, and therefore feel better and more "validated" if you enter into same, rather than refusing to put up with shit. It is very sad.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 20:53

The mum and the daughter comment has me Shock and Angry. I had very low self esteem in my teenage years/early 20s. My dd, if it kills me, will grow up to understand how special she is, and not to put up with shit from anyone.

garlicbutter · 04/03/2011 20:53

I'm mystified by your story about your grandmother, Porto - she felt you should tolerate; she is another woman. Where's the difference? Assuming your grandmother is/was a woman!

perfumedlife · 04/03/2011 20:56

Hang on, I'm all confused here. Garlic is saying she put up with a power imbalance relationship due to intense pressure from other women not to nag and so on. What about all the threads by friends concerned for their pals who are involved with manipulative bastards? I always advise telling friend the truth as you see it, he is a twisted troublemaker and yet the majority of posters say it's best to stay out of it, say little and just be there for the woman when she finally has taken all she can take and leaves. The advice says if you tell her what you think, she will freeze you out as she isn't ready to hear it. That it's best to just be there, quietly in the background and not to scare her off back to his arms.

That's not telling someone to put up and shut up. Whats the truth, or am I missing something?

Portofino · 04/03/2011 21:09

Garlic, sorry I didn't explain myself very well. I was brought up my GPs. My GM had basically sacrificed herself of the altar of family and expectation and never achieved the things she wanted to. She spent much time telling me how my life would be so different.

But when I found myself unhappily married, her first response was that i should put up with it, because SHE did. In reality, she did a good job. Because I didn't Grin. I now as she spent 20 years telling me about the importance of my education. And these days, now I am married with a child, she has no clue what I do, but always asks how DH is getting on at work....

Portofino · 04/03/2011 21:11

Basically my GM has "ideas" but is totally consumed by the patriarchy!

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 21:26

Do you think that was down to your grandmother's era of old school thinking though Porto?

My father is one such individual who lives with a thoroughly abusive and controlling woman but prefers to just put up with it through the fear of being single and also because 'that's what you do' after 33 years Hmm.

My grandmother who is 78, however who lived with a vile man for 22 years and finally broke free inthe 70's, would tell me to leave anyone who didn't make me happy.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 21:42
Portofino · 04/03/2011 22:26

Thingamy, definitely!

Math, no there was another point - I think in your response to Quint, but I am too tired to go and look. I don't think we are at odds here anyhow. I am more interested in hearing that daisy is OK tbh.

Stac2011 · 04/03/2011 22:37

hi upsydaisy, have read through the thread. Just want you to know thinking of you and i'm glad you have found so much support on here have been. Will check back in and see how you are. Take care.

Also to the ladies on here you have offered great support and advice

dontdisstheteens · 04/03/2011 22:43

Daisy - thinking of you. Hope you are OK. x

QuintessentialShadows · 04/03/2011 23:42

Daisy, I am also thinking about you tonight.

Mathanxiety, pm me if you want.

garlicbutter · 05/03/2011 00:39

Hi, perfumed :)

Didn't want to fire off when OP might be back any minute but - - - in general, unless I'm much wrong, folks post to a forum like this when they're really in a tizz. So if you're the anxious friend, you're very worried about your mate. On here and other places, you'll be advised to VALIDATE what she's feeling but NOT tell her what to do. That's pretty much what most posters to Daisy's thread have done. It's also what a good friend in real life would do. When your mate's in distress, you hear their distress instead of putting it down!

On the other side, there are always the friends in RL who tell the mate to chill out, not be so uptight, go with the flow, don't ask if you don't want to know, blah, etc ... they tell you to 'be nice'. I had a lot of that; I'm sure plenty of others did, too. Quite often, people don't want to rock the boat even if that means letting someone fall off the side! We saw quite a lot of that on this thread, too.

Anyway, I was just summarising what this particular conversation meant to me. It taught me stuff. I reckon Daisy already knows what her thread taught me :)