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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Mumi · 04/03/2011 16:34

Ah, so you have been gaslighted before... :(

LadyBiscuit · 04/03/2011 16:36

I'm not forgetting that Daisy. It sounds a truly dreadful situation. And it is extremely difficult to turn your feelings off even if your partner is being an absolute arse.

I really feel for you :(

CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 16:37

Exactly what WWIFN said.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/03/2011 16:41

Goodness no, if it were that easy to turn off the love switch, the Relationships board would close down overnight through lack of interest.

But given what you've gone through in the past, it has probably made you stronger and more determined not to mistrust your instincts again.

My advice in these situations is generally to hear the person out, listen and don't rush to declaring your decision, even if it feels obvious what that decision might be. Take your time thereafter to decide what to do. Perhaps suggest a break from eachother while you mull things over. I realise there is some urgency with decisions about the baby, so some immediate counselling about that decision at least, might well be available.

In slower time, going back to a counsellor would be a wise move, because it feels like you need to talk to someone in RL about the traumas you have faced in recent years and the choices you have made. If you're going to postpone the wedding whatever happens (very wise decision IMO) then you've got some time to decide what happens next.

I think it will be revealing, how he will respond to a suggestion of time out.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 04/03/2011 16:49

Daisy :(

You don't sound like a paranoid nightmare of a woman at all.

I can see exactly where you are coming from and what you are going through.

I don't understand why some posters are being so nasty, but that's the joy of the internet Hmm I suppose :(

Looking in from the outside - I would say it's over :( I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who does the things he has done & said the things he has said and tbh I think if you were reading this thread you would think the same way. If you stay with him, I can see you posting thread after thread about things like this :( However, when it's your life, your kids, your partner, your unborn baby - it's not so easy to make that decision :(

You are very strong & you do have a lot of support here - remember that when you are talking to him tonight. You already know that sometimes in life you have to make very difficult decisions but that you will cope and you will come out the otherside of it.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 16:52

WWIFN I will not declare my intentions tonight, although I have made a couple of decisions already. I will hear him out. Put my points of view across and tell him the wedding will need to be postponed. I am going to mention time apart to reevaluate what we both want and when he talks about the baby/family I am going to make it clear that I will NOT continue down the baby/family route with him like this. I know he is not being truthful and the evidence for that is there to see.

I am dreading this though and I can't even have a couple of glasses of wine. I am always calmer and more focused if I have a glass of wine in me.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 17:05

OP - I'd have a glass of wine if I were you. I really don't think that one will do your baby any harm, particularly as you're so close to the end of the first trimester. You'll need whatever you can get this evening!

(If you're a reformed alcoholic, forget everything I just said.)

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 17:12

"
If he is a genuine guy with different interests but basically loves you and wants to make you happy then that is easy to do. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to say why. If he can't do that he needs to say why."

This one?

What I mean is if he realises he has done something that has upset you and has the power to make you happy by stopping, then he should. Or at least talk to you honestly about why he can't stop.

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 17:13

WWIFN, really great posts. thankyou for putting across what so many of us want to say with such ease and clarity.

Especially the bit about him underestimating her.

If she can tell us the things she knows, and make her plans using us as a sounding board, she doesn't need to give much away to him about what she has found out and she will be in a far stronger position.

He doesn't need to know everything you have told us. Keep your cards very close to your chest.

Even lie to him if you need to. It doesn't matter now. You owe him nothing. Really nothing. If he is the kind of man that he seems to be - and yes, he might pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat tonight and turn out to be wonderful despite all indications - then his position in your life is on a very low priority indeed, and almost negligible.

Do keep him from seeing this thread though, stating the obvious but it would be a bad idea x

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 17:15

This might be irrelevant but carrying on reading the thread it came to me, which is worse - take a risk by marrying this man and it turns out to be a big mistake or walk away and he might have been the love of your life?

My feeling is there is more than one man in the world who can make you happy and you can be happy alone. If you walk away you have the opportunity to meet someone who is straight and uncomplicated.

If you stay with him and then marry him and he turns out to be a wrong one then....

JaxTellersOldLady · 04/03/2011 17:19

daisy I have read this whole thread and wanted to let you know that I feel for you and also to wish you good luck tonight.

Things dont seem 'right' to me either. I hope you get some answers, proper answers and he doesnt try to tie you up in verbal knots. Sad

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 17:21

OP, do be really careful. Is there someone IRL that you can tell about what's going on - particularly about tonight?

I'd feel better if there was someone who was going to call and check on you at least.

The thing is, a lot of men who become violent do so for the first time during the pregnancy of their partner, and another statistic shows that the greatest point of risk of violence in an abusive relationship is at the point when the woman says she wants to leave.

This is why I am concerned for you. I hope that makes sense. It's always better to take precautions than to wait and see what he does, then deal with any aftermath.

Have you got a friend or some family near you?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 17:37

Ingrid - very valid point. I do have a friend who knows what is going on so I've asked her to ring me at 9.30pm tonight to make sure I am ok. I will keep my phone on me at all times during our talk.

I am not scared of him and he doesn't have a temper. But I take on board what you say and agree it's better to take precautions.

Thank you

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 17:41

Okay, thanks for reassuring me!! Smile

I really hope you come through this feeling a bit better and not any worse.

Will be thinking of you x

CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 17:44

I'll be thinking of you too.

Happier times ahead!

Smile
dignified · 04/03/2011 17:45

Mentioning a trail and then hinting that you wont be hearing much about it is just ridiculous. Sounds like hes they type to enjoy having one over on you , which he already has Angry

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 17:50

I know for a fact that he will be absolutely devestated when I say that there won't be a wedding and that there is every chance he won't have his happy family. Something I know he has wanted for a long time.

He has two serious relationships in the past, both ended amicably and they are still friendly to him when they see him. I have met one of the girls. The last one ended simply because they drifted apart and he wanted to settle down and she wasn't prepared to do that for another 10 years.
I am wondering if he has been into this all through his life or is this a fairly new fixation and behaviour pattern he has developed.

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 17:57

Yes Dignified that is my feeling too! How silly...who does he think he is?

It reminds me of an ex who was always trying to intimate that there would be secret goings on and consequences and I had better mark his words. It was all total bullshit but it made him feel important.

I had to try not to laugh at times Grin especially when he showed me pictures in a club magazine of 'graves of People who have been murdered for revealing the club secrets'. I was never allowed near the 'club'.

I think he hoped I'd beg to go with him but I didn't Grin

Heroine · 04/03/2011 17:59

wow! I am glad I have never posted here saying 'my DH thinks I should try red apples' before you know it it will be used as evidence by a good 20 or so people to 'prove' DH is trying to control my every waking thought and blackmail me into not reporting the repeated rapes he has conducted on me without me knowing. You are going too far with making up a stupid story about an evil genius manipulator with the skills and will of Charles Manson from bo evidence at all - it makes me wonder just who are the evil psychopathic manipulators here - the partner or the pseudo-psychiatrists with a one track 'men are evil' mind that seem to hang wournd here far too much and actively try to split up relationships. Hope OP sees through this bitchiness

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 17:59

Sorry, just trying to cheer you up.

I wonder if he ever got close enough to those other girlfriends forthem to find out this stuff. Or if he just never did it until the real prospect of marriage and fatherhood got too close and then it became a convenient way to escape from the commitment, ie put you off him enough to cancel the wedding.

Just a thought!

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 17:59

daisy - Ingrid talks sense, as does WWIFN

You have a choice. YOU can take control of this. My 'niggle' appears to have come out in the posts on here, reading what others have said.

Gaslighting, controlled behaviour, emotional blackmail etc.... that is the something that I couldn't put my finger on.

I'm glad your friend is going to call you later.

All you can do is talk to him, and now.

Good luck xx

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 18:00

That is laughable Ingrid. Some people in this world are such idiots!

Anyway I am going as he is on his way. I will update later if I can.

Thanks everyone xxx

OP posts:
Heroine · 04/03/2011 18:01

i mean 'a lot of men who become violent do so for the first time when their wife is pregnant' - honestly.... Hmm

Most violent men have been violent a long time before they have been with a woman....

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 18:03
Mouseface · 04/03/2011 18:06