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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:33

Ooid-I agree

Can I ask you OP,if you have had any counselling? After reading some of your previous threads I see you've been having a tough time this year.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 15:33

just incase no one knows who KazBar is Grin

Ooid · 04/03/2011 15:33

Yes, you can read one person's take on a situation which I grant you sounds pretty bad.

Anyway if he is gaslighting her, he's hardly likely to break down his defences tonight and admit to being a nutter.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:37

Exactly math, privacy and secrecy are two different things. Everyone has a right to private space, time and thoughts. Secrecy is something else though and there is a big difference.

Maybe my looking at his spare phone is an infringement of his privacy. His thoughts and fantasties are his own personal business. However coupled with what I discovered on the internet last year that in my eyes is not private. It's secret and deciptful and shows that he doesn't understand the boundaries in a relationship.

He has just rung me again to say that he will be back at 6.00

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:37

'his cheating is thus transformed into a test of your character'

Which cheating is this then Math?

CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 15:38

(((((OP)))))

I'm also 11 weeks pregnant and know how vulnerable you must be feeling. I hope this evening brings you some resolution. Stay strong.

KazBar and Thingumy - you've made your views very clear. Enough. Either you're throwing very upsetting insults at an innocent woman, who really won't need them right now, or at a troll, who won't care. Personally I think it's the former, but either way - enough now.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:41

Yes I went to relate on my own during the breakdown of my marriage. I dealt with my past before I embarked on a relationship with this man.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:42

Are you saying that you don't trust him and haven't since the dating website thing?

TrillianAntra · 04/03/2011 15:44

OP - take it at your own pace, hopefully you'll get some answers tonight x

Rather than him sending texts from his phone to his phone, isnt it more likely he copied and pasted them from a text he'd received from someone else, because he wanted to reread them but wanted them under ops name so she wasnt suspicious?

Whichever way, something is clearly not right. Very upsetting for you op.

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:44

And cinnabar, there has been no mention of a troll on this thread.

Hmm
Ooid · 04/03/2011 15:47

Upsy - if he doesn't know what you found on the spare phone, then it might be an idea to not tell him. Ask him what this trail is and what he thinks you have been up to. Don't play your hand first.

If he is trying to manipulate you into feeling like you are bad for snooping and that he has a right to be upset...then just don't admit to it. (Yet.) He can't after all turn it round on you if he hasn't anything to turn.

See if you can get him to talk, based on the texts he sent you this afternoon (I think they were texts, haven't read back to check). Think about it this way: if you hadn't found the phone and been really bewildered by it, his texts would have seemed very strange and you wouldn't think twice about asking him what he was on about.

If he wants to know what you wanted to 'talk to him later' about, just make something up in the interim.

madonnawhore · 04/03/2011 15:47

Kazbar and Thingumy I think you're being really mean.

Obviously none of us know either the OP or her fiance personally but based on the fact that he's been caught red-handed creating and using profiles on dating sites in the past and is now doing very strange things with text messages and talking about 'trapping' the OP; on balance it's fair to say that he is not acting like a man who wants to prove to the woman he intends to marry that he is trustworthy, and OP is justified in her mistrust of him.

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 15:48

Are you thinking you will still marry him in a fortnight?

madonnawhore · 04/03/2011 15:48

All the gist of this thread has been about is, on the face of it, it sounds very strange, OP's feelings of paranoia and distrust are probably valid and she should talk to him.

What's so stupendous about that?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:52

Yes Cinnabarred I am feeling vulnerable at the moment. I guarantee I am no troll.

For those of you that think I am some paranoid nightmare of a women who has issues let me set the record straight.

I am a 37 year old intelligent and balanced woman with two small children and one on the way. I am due to get married in two weeks.

I and I alone now have to make not one decision but several. Continue with relationship or ditch him, postpone the wedding or cancel it entirely. Continue my pregnancy with his child or seek a termination (both of these thought fill me with horror). The decisions and choices I make will have a huge ripple effect and will affect mine and my childrens life forever.

The man I am with could well be a well adjusted man with a few sexual fantasies that never has intentions of following through or acting upon and will be a loyal caring partner. He could just be too embarrassed to admit his thoughts for fear of my being disapproving, although he knows me well enough to know that I am open minded.

Or he could be some weird deviant who has desires that he would follow through given half the chance and lie and cheat his way through our relationship.

I doubt anyone would find this easy.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 15:52

Thingumy - I know that. But those are the only two logical possibilities, and neither possibility makes your posts look good.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:54

sorry for the typos!

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/03/2011 15:56

Just to be clear - I absolutely don't think that OP is a troll.

FourFortyFour · 04/03/2011 15:57

Of course no one would find it easy but it seems to me that you are making it a lot harder for yourself.

If you are determined to stay with him and marry him no matter what then is there any point talking to him about it?

Think about how you felt when you read that ^.

If he is a genuine guy with different interests but basically loves you and wants to make you happy then that is easy to do. If he doesn't want to do that then he needs to say why. If he can't do that he needs to say why.

You say you are intelligent and balanced. Well use it.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:59

FFF No I am not going to marry him in a fortnight. I'm no hypocrite and I will not be able to say my wedding vows to him whilst feeling the way I do. It would be irresponsible and wreckless.

Regardless of what happens tonight I am going to tell him that the wedding needs to be postponed. That's for starters.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 16:02

Sorry FFF Are you suggesting that I should resolve this with him and continue this relationship. I have a serious case of brain rot today could you clarify your 4th sentence a bit more for me. Sorry

No I am not determined to stay with him and marry him.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/03/2011 16:15

Like I said in a post upthread, I just don't get why the OP or her respondents are being criticised here, or why the facts as presented, are being minimised as no big deal. It feels as though there is a different agenda behind these critical posts and that's not fair to an OP who is in some distress and confusion.

As far as I can tell from your other threads Daisy, this relationship has progressed very quickly to the point of marriage and children, you had massive concerns about the friends that he kept (their drug use and attitudes to women), his former drug use and quite recently, evidence that he had been on sex contact sites and interacting with women.

He denied that he had been doing so and despite it being impossible that it wasn't him contacting those women, you bargained it away but the trust was broken. You were honest with him about your trust issues and told him that you would be checking for congruent behaviour with the image that he wanted you to believe.

You've now found more secret, strange behaviour involving sex and this afternoon, he has alleged that he has set you a trap and later said that you wouldn't be hearing much more from him about it.

The denials, the trap-setting and the way he is controlling what gets discussed are the really serious issues here, but for the life of me I cannot see how wanting to contact women for no-strings sex can be minimised by some posters either. And he was doing that, because there was absolutely no other plausible explanation for what you found that day Daisy.

I cannot see how he will be able to convince you that he is going to be husband and father material, or that this behaviour simply points to sexual fantasies that he is too embarrassed to share, but I'm sure he'll give it a damned good try.

However, you sound far too wise and canny to fall for it Daisy and I suspect he is vastly under-estimating your intelligence and your strength.

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 16:23

Daisy Sad

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 16:31

Yes I am canny and wise but I am also fearful and scared about the decisions I make either way.

I will confront him tonight, not looking the bedraggled emotional mess I look at the moment but as a woman who knows her mind, won't be fobbed off and isn't going to fall for any old shit. I will sort myself out, do my hair and put my make up on.

We are forgetting one thing here though. Matters of this nature involve emotion. It's very hard to walk away from someone who you love even if they have done the most terrible things to you. I speak from experience as I walked away from a man who committed adultery and spent 5 months prior to my finding our making me think I was having a nervous break down. He got my family involved, the doctor involved and all along I was right. It's like a double edged sword, there's the act of betrayal which hurts like hell and then there are your own feelings to deal with. Not easy when you are 11 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:
Mumi · 04/03/2011 16:33

"Told him I was most intrigued about this trail and he said that I wouldn't be hearing much about it!"

Sheer arrogance! from someone who is expecting to marry you, along with the "I meant to do that" excuse.

Must agree that it's not a good idea to pull the phone knowledge card out of the bag tonight - in fact, I wouldn't consider telling him for some time, if at all. You seemed to be very keen on the idea of making him sweat it out earlier and this would be the ideal time to use it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but I'm no sorry you're not marrying him in two weeks. Don't let him persuade you to "take a chance" on him for the sake of saving face with family and friends on the date. It's too much of a gamble.

Even having to deal with hordes of children under their feet on their own, many a women has smiled with relief and said "at least I didn't marry the sh*t!".