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Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 14:39

No I had thought about that and I am not mentioning the phone until I have to. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with.

I know some of you are disapproving of the way I am handling this now, but sometimes when you are up against a wall, pregnant, due to get married in two weeks and it feels like your world is collapsing it can be difficult to approach things with a common sense attitude. Like I said I will talk to him tonight, that was and remains my plan. I wasn't expecting his text about the trail. He simply asked how I was in a text, i replied saying was ok but that I would talk to him later. He then launched into the rest of the texts NOT me.

I will not deal with him while my children are here. My youngest is at home at the moment.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 14:46

For all we know,daisy could be totally paranoid and constantly snooping through his personal items? I wouldn't like my dh to be doing this and I have nothing to hide.

What if he had a diary and had written an down an explicit fantasy and she had found that?

Would she have the right to call him up on it?

She went through his phone,found some explicit text and brooded.

He asked her last night if all was well and she could of brought it up then.

In her first post she states 'I have reason to think all is not as it seems lately'

Why did you continue the wedding plans if you weren't fully comfortable in your relationship-why haven't you sat down and discussed this before?

legoverlil · 04/03/2011 14:48

I understand totally upsy, and I'm glad you are now going to talk to him. The only problem with that is his replies will determine your future. If you are happy for that to be the case then fine, but if not make sure you have a plan B that is what you want, in fact make it Plan A and his replies Plan B.

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 14:52

'He asked her last night if all was well and she could of brought it up then.'

My mistake,he asked if you were ok via text.

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 14:52

Thingumy - that's why I think there is something more to come in all of this.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 14:53

Thingumy, OP has already explained what she has done and why, and what she will be doing, when and why. Several times in fact.

If all genuinely is well and she is just a bit paranoid, then her DP will be able to explain everything to her satisfaction later, won't he?

madonnawhore · 04/03/2011 14:53

But Thingumy, he has previous on this with the porn sites, which he was caught red handed at. If the OP is mistrustful, it's because he's already broken her trust once. And rather than do everything he can to reassure her, he's telling her he's setting 'trails' and 'traps' for her - doesn't that strike you as really odd and cruel?

Ooid · 04/03/2011 14:55

Just don't do anything in haste off the back of some of the more extreme replies on this thread. Pregnancy and morning sickness and a bunch of people telling you he's a bad 'un and they couldn't possible stay (in circumstances that they have extrapolated from a few threads without knowing you or the man for sure)...it needs care and consideration, that's all.

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 14:58

I've not read daisy's other threads so I am just going on her initial post here.

How long ago was the sex site issue?

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 15:03

previous?? the man used a porn site ffs, not the end of the world

IMO if someone breaks a trust and you decide to forgive them and move on then you cannot use that against them in future.

Thingumy is right to be sceptical here, I am too. It's all massive drama which you are all contributing to with your conspiracy theories and tales of blackmail...

Like I said, I expect to see more from this OP in this topic after she is married.

he'll sweet talk her, she'll continue to snoop..match made in hell....

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:06

madonnawhore (great name by the way) you have put my view across better than I could possibly at the moment.

I agree his actions are odd and cruel. Either an elaborate excuse for his own actions or something isn't right in his head!

It is not me who has sown the sead of doubt here.

I try to put the boot on the other foot so to speak and if it were me that he didn't trust now for whatever reason and I truly wanted his trust back I would move heaven and earth to ensure that happened. I certainly wouldn't go round setting a trail for him to find just to see if he was checking up on me. If something had happened for him not to trust me I would be expecting him to check up on me until I'd won his trust back.

If I haven't made myself clear my intention was to always discuss it with him, just not last night or on the phone today. I want to look straight into his eyes during our conversation and gauge his reaction to what I have to say.

OP posts:
KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 15:08

thingumy, he used a porn site, she caught him, he made up a crap excuse - probably because he was embarrassed and trying to get out of 'trouble'...blahdeblah

LadyBiscuit · 04/03/2011 15:08

What does constitute dealbreaking behaviour in your book KazBar? I'm really intrigued.

UpsyDaisy - good luck with trying to get to the bottom of this tonight. I suspect you may never but then at least you will know where you stand. So sorry you're going through this.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 15:09

Why do you think you were wrong to 'snoop'?

Why do you think this looks like you playing games with him?

OP -- he is he one who should have known he needed to be transparent and HE is the one playing games with you here.

What TRAIL? What a clever, manipulative horrible man this is.

This man is seriously gaslighting you and you will get nowhere when you ask him what is going on. He has a sexual side to him that he is adamant he will not share with you and he is prepared to go on the offensive with you to throw you off the scent, keep you off balance, and generally run rings around you.

He sees you as the enemy here.

Do not get married to this man in two weeks.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 15:15

Thingumy, you lost me at 'hysteria'. What's next, 'bitterness'?

And the suggestion that the OP needs to grow up and talk to her man here is one that seems to me to be quite offensive. Is it not plain to you that for this man words are meaningless and he will carry on regardless of what Upsy wishes? Regardless of the baby they are going to have together? Regardless of the (hopefully not upcoming) wedding and their plans that involve serious money and serious commitment and even children?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 15:15

KAZBAR - it was not a porn site but a no strings dating sex site. Big difference there I think. I have already said that I am not in the anti porn brigade. I believe that if porn is something that a couple both consent to indulging in then that's fine. It's when it is used in secret or the user starts to prefer it to having sex with his partner then that can become a huge problem.

That is not my issue though. I found the profiles with messages, he denied it and went to great lengths to prove himself innocent, changed bank cards went online with me and we dealt with it together. At the time I figured that either it was a prank, hacker etc or it was something he had been curious about and instead of telling me so we could have a look together one night over a couple of bottles of wine, he went ahead and did it. I firmly believed that was all it was.

However, in light of what I have now discovered maybe I was a fool and wrong to believe him.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:15

taken from a previous thread of yours in sept of last year OP

'We spoke for hours about it on Saturday and he said if he was up to no good, why would he be leaving his computer at my house, with me having knowledge of passwords to things, he leaves his phone around the house which I could read at any time. He is so open with his life that this just doesn't sound like him. Filthy messages had been sent at times when he would have been at work.

I just don't know what to do. He has not got angry for my following this trail, he is devestated that I could think he could do such a thing. I just don't know what to do or believe. I can't eat, can't sleep and I am a mess at work today'.

I find it all this 'trail' business odd tbh.

I would suggest some couple counselling before embarking on any commitment to marriage OP.

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 15:17

'Is it not plain to you that for this man words are meaningless and he will carry on regardless of what Upsy wishes'

No it's not plain to me as I do not know her partner personally.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 15:18

Dealbreaking behaviour LadyBiscuit.....

Well, certainly not having a quick wank to some internet porn, deleting Iphone history and fantasising about me sending a dirty text.

But I don't need to get into the details of my relationship, I'm not the one snooping through my soon to be husbands phone am I?

And if I did have a relationship issue then I suppose I would refrain from posting the details here for fear of the local conspirators, but that's just me...

As always OP - good luck with your endeavours

Portofino · 04/03/2011 15:23

Kazbar, he joined a DATING SEX SITE - he was not watching porn. I wouldn't give a stuff if I caught my DH watching porn. The dating site on the other hand would be an absolute deal breaker.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 15:24

Upsy - he sounds like a prize prick to me in all honesty, but you don't appear to be the full shilling either .... like I said match made in hell, but why waste your time even having it out, you seem to have it all worked out.

Let us know the outcome - I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat.

Ooid · 04/03/2011 15:25

In addition to not knowing the man personally, let's not forget that we don't know the OP personally.
Some of you are taking what happened to you and making it fit onto what the OP is saying (or isn't).
We can't know what's going on!

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 15:25

Clearly from the excerpt from the previous post, the trail idea has been used before by the 'DP'.

This is pure gaslighting, Upsydaisy. He is trying to convince you that you are the one who is wrong, upsetting the apple cart with your lack of trust -- the trail thing is a reframing of what he has done in order to make you think you are a muggins and make his extra-relationship adventures look like something other than what they are (his cheating is thus transformed into a test of your character).

This is a very devious person who is not on the same page as you at all wrt the relationship, Upsy.

He has lied a lot about very important things, Thingumy. A liar is a person for whom words are meaningless. Useful but ultimately meaningless.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 15:27

Oh for heavens sake, we can read, Ooid.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2011 15:28

And here in KazBar's posts we see the failure to understand the difference between privacy and secrecy.