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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 13:40

Upsydaisy, you know you don't have to have a big row, don't you?

Once you have made the break inside your head, he has no right to know anything that you are thinking or doing.

Presuming you are living together - does he still own his own house? I would be packing up his things and making them ready to be removed from my home.

It depends on how much crap and nonsense you can stand, but to me the relationship would be absolutely over. There is no respect. You can't marry someone you don't trust.

He's a loser, don't let his massive problems be your problems for a minute longer.

You have every right to walk away from him. The pregnancy is another matter, only you can decide about that but we are here to listen if it helps.

I wouldn't be bothering with an argument, he has made it clear he's not a decent prospect for a relationship and that would be that - no point trying to convince him of whose fault it is, or trying to prove anything. You know quite enough already by his behaviour.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 13:52

He uses the word trail in his text. Trail to what exactly.

When everything kicked off with the website fiasco I told him in order for me to get the trust back he would need to be open, honest and he agreed that he would do all he could to make it happen and understand my feelings.

So what a strange thing to do, to leave a trail for me to discover!!

I have had enough of this shit. He's a clever man and a good bull shitter clearly. I still haven't heard from him. I bet he come's up with a great story worthy of an oscar!!

I know I shouldn't but I am going to have a cigarette and a cup of tea! I am stressed out of my mind, feel like shite and my ex husband will be here in an hour to collect the children! He's been an arse this week, but that is another story for another time.

Your support is great ladies and I don't think I would be holding up so well if it wasn't for you all. x

OP posts:
sakura · 04/03/2011 13:52

upsy, when you say "fireworks" do you think you might not be entirely safe by having it out with him? Even him shouting at you is not on when you're pregnant, or upsetting you in any way at all, actually.

Your number one priority is you, your baby and your other kids, so if "fireworks" means his temper then that's a different ball game altogether

sakura · 04/03/2011 13:54

You do what you need to do to relax. Stress is worse than the odd cigarette and a cup of tea.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/03/2011 13:55

Can he have accessed this thread Daisy?

I echo the safety concerns.

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 13:56

No Sakura, it'll be me that gets angry before him. The only violence might be me kicking him where it hurts before I walk out. ( I am only joking by the way, I wouldn't do that but it has crossed my mind, either that or a frying pan) Wink

Thanks for your concern but I am in no danger.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 13:58

NO he can't access this thread he hasn't even heard of this before. Maybe me in passing I may have mentioned something about MN but it would only have been in the context of checking mumsnet for a voucher code or something like that.

OP posts:
sakura · 04/03/2011 13:58

Phew Smile

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 13:59

Do you still see this as salvageable? Because I don't.
There's no trust between you. He is playing 12 year old boy games with trails and traps and lying to cover his sorry arse.

If you don't want the relationship to continue indefinitely then I think you need to be absolutely clear about what you want to get out of tonight's encounter.

Because if it were me I would not be having a row, I would be dropping his stuff off and maybe - MAYbe - agreeing to meet him in a public place, or with a friend or relative present, to discuss the practical aspects of the separation.

IngridBergmann · 04/03/2011 14:01

Even if you think you are safe from physical harm, you will benefit from having some backup so that anything that is said is witnessed by a third party.

It will also stop him feeling so arrogant which he clearly does at the moment.

Can you get someone to come round? Has he got somewhere else to go tonight?

sakura · 04/03/2011 14:05

The problem is when you're pregnant everything is trickier than usual. I remember feeling very vulnerable when I was pregnant. It's not that easy to just walk away. Then again it's a lot harder to make any decisions like that after the baby's arrived.

What about postponing the wedding?

legoverlil · 04/03/2011 14:06

If you have used the PC at home to post here then a quick glance at the history tab will direct him straight to this thread.

As for a trap....if he had been setting a trap why on earth would he use your name on the texts ?, it makes no sense.

You need to ask him if he has got cold feet and is looking for a face saving excuse (your untrusting behaviour)* to get out of the relationship.

*that he has obviously manufactured.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 14:13

I heard a funny phrase yesterday "drama llama"

I reckon the OP is just as bad as the DP here...both of them seem to thrive on drama, which I have seen from previous threads started by this OP.

It's a shame this child 'could' be brought into this world where mummy snoops on daddy, daddy lays traps for mummy etc etc...all weird IMO

TheSleepFairy · 04/03/2011 14:16

I agree with lego

Is he laying trails for you to find in order to show you have no trust in him?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 14:17

No don't worry I go on here now on inprivate browser and I delete eveything from the web except the web site history.

I have just spoken to him on the phone as he we are supposed to be going out with friends tonight. I have cancelled it.

Told him I was most intrigued about this trail and he said that I wouldn't be hearing much about it! I replied that he knew I had some issues regarding trust but he had agreed to do all he could to ensure the trust was restored. So I failed to see how setting traps and trails was beneficial to that and what there was to gain.

He said he would ring me back as he is on site at work and couldn't talk. I could hear his colleague
so I just said goodbye

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/03/2011 14:22

I agree kaz.

Why the hell didn't you call him?

If I thought I was being taken for a mug or set up in some strange mind game,I wouldn't be sending texts-I'd be on the phone demanding what he meant.

You both need to grow up and talk imo.

sakura · 04/03/2011 14:25

Kaz and Thingummy, the man says he's set a trail for her.
What do you make of that, objectively?

You've gone from saying "filth" (as defined by upsy) is okay, to casting aspertions about her perception of reality, and now you are trivialising blatantly weird behaviour.

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 14:25

thanks Thingumy - i thought i was the only one not reading these posts through rose tinted specs.

he said, she said nonsense. Just deal with it!

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 04/03/2011 14:26

KAZBAR - I agree totally that this behaviour can be seen as tit for tat. BUT when there are children involved one of which isn't born yet you will do all you can to get to the truth, even if it means doing things that you aren't proud of.

What you have to think is that before you walk away from your own relationship and once again put your children through the trauma and upset you are absolutely certain of what you are suspecting your partner to be doing. If there is uncertainty you tend to not know what on earth to do, which is what I have been feeling. So if I have been a drama llama it is only because I have had to be and have in no way instigated it all.

I do NOT thrive on drama, my past has given me enough of that. I want a quiet family life with a man I can trust who will be a decent partner and father figure to my children. Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 04/03/2011 14:27

What Reality said.

There is no 'trail' or 'trap'.

He said this hoping to flush out what you had found out about. The fact that he doesn't know what it is does suggest that there may be 'other things' to discover.

I am starting to reverse my more lenient view of him having heard this. Whether I am right or wrong, there is cruelty at play. If he hasn't set a trap, he is playing mind games with you (and hiding things from you) and if he has... well, same as above really.

This must be so so hard but in a few hours, you will have some answers. And it may work out ok. He might as my previous posts suggested, have a bit of a dark side that he has been to embarrased to share with you to date, and he might responded with the 'trail' story in a moment of embarassment and panic. You may discover that actually, his crime is to have fantasies over you to the point where he typed them out on a phone, and you may find this acceptable (once he has apologised for the ridiculous 'trail' red-herring).

Either way, I believe the 'trail' thing is a red herring - either designed to flush you out or just born out of panic.

My best advice now, is whatever comes out of your conversation tonight, think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with his man. And if you do, fine but if you have any doubts, DO NOT GET MARRIED TO HIM. It will be hard to walk away from a wedding due to happen in two weeks time. People will be gossiping about why, what happened. Others including your partner - will try to channge your mind, you will feel guilty, wonder if you are throwing a chance of happiness away and your pregnancy will play on your mind.

BUT this will all be temporary.

Marriage is for life.

sakura · 04/03/2011 14:29

Of course there's no trail, but what shocks me is that he thinks "setting a trail" is normal behaviour Confused to the point where he is relying on this to be an excuse

Thingumy · 04/03/2011 14:31

'What you have to think is that before you walk away from your own relationship and once again put your children through the trauma and upset you are absolutely certain of what you are suspecting your partner to be doing'

I find it really helpful to discuss these matters with the partner not randoms on a internet board but hey call me old fashioned...

Hmm at this now.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 14:32

Daisy Sad! It does look as if he has been rumbled. I was thinking about the text messages. Could they have come from elsewhere, and he's forwarded them to himself and deleted the originals to hide their true origin. Maybe highly unlikely but it was another angle.....

I am almost looking foward to hearing what bollocks story he is going to spout tonight. It doesn't sound at all right put like that though.....

When he turns up, and asks you what the matter is, I would be very tempted not to mention the phone - at least initially - and say something like "Are you telling me you don't know/can't you guess" or similar. He might have done something else he thinks you have found out about eg on the computer. That would make more sense of his "trail" comment.

There will be plenty of people to support you

KazBarTFG · 04/03/2011 14:33

Upsy, as soon as you had to start snooping around you had your answer to the quiet family life thing IMO

I reckon you are both as bad as each other and clearly not good for one another

I honestly don't think the guy is doing anything wrong here, merely (albeit immaturely) trying to find out if his future wife trusts him - which she clearly doesn't.

I think there will be many more threads from you in this topic about this same man...he will just be DH and also father to dc3 by that time.

Portofino · 04/03/2011 14:38

Thingumy - when there is some evidence of abusive and disrepectful behaviour, just having a chat with your dp is really going to sort it though, isn't it? More than likely he's just going to deny everything and anything he HAS done will be explained as a "trap".

OP IS going talk to him.