The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Into Spring - BOING!!

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So, this is The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

All are welcome, regardless of your background, stage of sobriety, or anything else.

I'm Mouse and have been here since June 2010, and in control of my drinking since August 2nd 2010.

You will find unconditional support here. Always.

Whatever you feel about drinking (or not), we've been in your shoes. Some more than once.

So, come say hi, come grab a seat. There is always an open door and a warm welcome on this Bus.

Dear all the lovely Brave Babes,

I just typed a long message and lost it.
I have fulfilled 3 of my yets and proven to myself yet again that I have the chronic, progressive, incurable disease I know as alcoholism.

Because I chose to pick up a drink, knowing it was poison to me, chaos ensued. I have now been hospitalised for the first time, to a rehab/detox where they took my keys and phone etc away from me, and during that time my family could not cope with my daughter and with the help of Social Services, gave her to her father, who has not had her overnight for 14 months.

It has been easy to dissolve in a flood of self pity which I am amazed to say I got a good dose of tough love on Saturday night and seem to have been lifted out of now. I drank, therefore my life became even more unmanageable.

This disease will take everything, if you or I let it. I have learnt, I hope, a little humility, and that it's time to throw in the towel. I give in, no more fighting. It's over.

I may have outed myself but if this helps anyone from sliding further down the slope then I am glad to share it. I have a court battle on my hands for my beautiful DD, but all this comes second to the most important task of learning, a day at a time, how to live in sobriety, and working on myself. I caused this, and I have to own it, not beating myself up, just time for real genuine honesty.

I may not post all that much as the stuff around DD does threaten my sobriety if I drift into self pity. I am grateful to you all, and am so grateful for all of you who were thinking of me. Love to all x

Hugs for you Noteven.

This is going to sound really harsh noteven but I need to clear my head.

I hope you have finally accepted that when you drink, you are letting your daughter down. Massively.

You are risking losing her for good which is something that I really struggle to comprehend. I would give my last breath to my children so I don't understand why you keep fucking up, knowing all too well what the outcome will be.

Not just for yourself, your daughter, but for your entire family.

I hope that this time was the last time that you risk losing it all. I hope with all of my heart that you succeed, that you win the battle, that you kick booze's ass!

I hope that you keep posting and sharing your story so that others will see just how dangerous drinking is. Not just physically.

Good luck in your quest for sobriety.

Noteven

I do understand why you keep doing this, even though you know the effect it will have on your daughter.

But it's not for me to tell you, so instead I will tell you about me.

I have said it on here before and I will say it again - I would step over my crying daughter to get to a drink or else try to compromise by taking her to the pub with me.

The reason I have never done this is because I'm an alcoholic who's aware he's an alcoholic so I don't drink.

In my first year of attempted sobriety I drank several times and every time it was for a different reason.

Looking back, I now know they were all for the SAME reasaon - I didn't take my alcoholism seriously enough. I thought that luck or magic would mean that THIS time it wouldn't be so bad, or THIS time i would have the sense to stay indoors and not phone anyone, or THIS time could stop when I chose.

What do you know? It was the same every time.

It stopped, quite suddenly, when I drank after 6 months. Immediately, the whole day was obsessing about how to drink without getting in trouble. I finally realised that it was never going to get any better - a year in AA, six months' unbroken sobriety, an initial attempt at the Steps, all reduced to nothing by the first drink, and this, ie fuck all, was the sum total of what I'd learnt about safe, controlled drinking.

I hope this is of some use. In the mean time, try not to worry too much - however much you have fucked up, it is rarely unfixable. Just acknowledge you are in a hole and put down the shovel.

Mouse,

I drink because I am an alcoholic. I can't do what you do, have a couple occasionally. Once I've had the first drink, all bets are off. I don't know if you believe that alcoholism is (or at least behaves like) an illness. Who would choose this insanity? How many alcoholics who are lost to the the grave or to psychiatric institutions to end their days would choose that for themselves?

The alcohol is in the bottle, but the problem is in my head, in my thinking, in my pride, ego, self-esteem, call it what you will. I can't stop for my daughter. God knows I've tried. I have to stop for me and work on that faulty thinking.

I know we have a big mixture of people with different alcohol problems here, and that is totally as it should be. I am just trying to explain my experience with what I see as my alcoholism. The tramp with a bottle on the park bench neither started life there nor aimed to end up there. As for me, I never put being an alcoholic on my list of aims for life - like MIFLAW (I think?) I have a reputable First from a redbrick university, a profession, and many things I hold dear. And an illness that is more powerful than I am. Thank God (as I understand Him) for AA and for being bigger.

MIFLAW - thanks. I know you have been there (or somewhere a bit like it) and I am definitely in a hole and have, today, put the shovel down.

And, sorry, should preview, I don't see this as a fight. I'll lose. It's got me beaten. I give in. I'm not even fighting today.

noteven - I know why you drink, I know that you are an alcoholic. I get that and I don't want you to feel I am attacking you. I'm trying to be honest.

I suppose what I should have posted is that I feel sorry for your DD. She's just an innocent bystander in all of this. She needs you. This must be so upsetting for her

It's just something that doesn't compute with me, continually drinking and risking losing her, but maybe that is because of everything I have been through with Nemo? Most likely.

Yes, you DO have to get sober for yourself, of course you do. You must and I hope with all of my being that you DO.

Whatever way you can, however you can, as soon as you can.

You'll have all the support of the Babes on here. Keep posting, be honest with yourself.

Evening All

Well my teeth are beautifully clean and shiny! - see.

I also, very sensibly took back the shoes that I bought on Saturday - I really did not require a new pair of shoes , I shall save this money for my and dd's trip to London in a couple of weeks.

Busy week here again, I think that I shall spend more time travelling up and down the country in the train than doing anything else. Down Thursday night, back Friday, Down Sunday back Tuesday.
The colleagues that I am travelling with on Thursday / Friday are planning on turning the Friday into a bit of a session , will totally need my wits about me!
Feeling strong about this, but not projecting and taking it ODAAT.

Bit concerned about the census, will actually be on the train, what should I put as to my whereabouts?? I will not even be stationary.

Noteven I too am an alcoholic, I have recognised this and am proactively doing something about it.
I realise that I do not wish to lose anymore than the things that I have already lost. SO I do not drink. It is really that simple when broken down, I DO NOT Drink. Not easy, very very simple.

noteven - a couple of aa friends have been in rehab and got loads of help from other agencies when they came out - i have to say, a week dosent seem like a very long stay to me! why have they let you go so early?, are you sure you have had long enough?, what on earth were ss thinking of by giving your dd to her father?, surely even the mere hint of abuse should have them looking for an alternative?, why on earth wasnt she sent to short term foster care? seriously, your problems are far greater than something aa alone can fix!

...want to just show my 'face'; log in from time to time and just did so now after a battle of wills with the old devil water (I won).

Usually wouldn't post, feel way too rude not acknowledging everyone, and i long since gave up trying to keep up, but to two of you this evening, I want you to know that I'm with you out here in computer fairy land...

JWN I owe you directly, no ifs or buts, a huge debt of gratitude, and I will you continued strength.

Noteven, not sure if we knew one another when I was sharing my tales of shame about my behaviour around my daughter, but I am really really wishing you strength, not only to deal with the actual situaton itself but...blah, as per, don't know what to say. My heart aches with love for my dd, but God knows something else seems to ache just as hard when drink is anywhere near me...

I'm on a 'good' roll just now; battles still frequent, but I don't give over quite so readily these days...

EVERYBODY else...love and strength to you all.

oh bafana, isnt being sensible boring? , i admire your will-power though!, once the shoes are in my possesion, no way are they going back!

ALGEE!!!! its lovley to see you!!

btw, you me nothing! - things had to change and i just happened to pick up a few mates along the way!

hmm!, you 'owe' me nothing!

(i still think a lot quicker than i can type!)

Yeah I do; heaven knows where I would have ended up if you hadn't had the courage to post all of those months back. I totally owe, you, you held a mirror up to me...

feeling a bit gushy, must be after effects of my dust up with the whiskey (only in the house 'cos dad was up last week)...still have problems with getting it out of the house, seems suich a waste..!

ALGEE!!!

How fab to see you here again lovely. You've made me reading just how well you are doing! xx

bafana - nice teeth

JWN - I wondered about that too, why did noteven's DD end up with her father? That's truly shocking.

And yes, a week is a short time IME, I know of two people who went into rehab for two weeks and then were monitored by a case worker when they came out.

Both had a really hard time adjusting to RL again once they got home because of how 'safe' they felt in rehab.

noteven - I hope that your DD is okay with her father

rehab and detox are different. Detox takes 4 days and requires inpatient or outpatient supervision. Rehab takes multiples of 4 week periods, depending on nhs provision or health insurance.

JWN I'm so sorry you found it tough this weekend, I expect your friends are so used to you beung all upbeat and cheerful that they forget/don't realise that it hard for you when they are drinking and you can't. maybe you should tell them, maybe they would then be a little more careful/thoughtful around you.

MASSIVE well done for not giving in and coming back to us all boingy again, but you know it is OK to feel fed up and sad sometimes, that is what we are all here for, to sympathise and to encourage, as you do for us.
Noteven as JWN says are you sure you have had a long enough stay in rehab? You really need all the help you can get and you really need to show SS that you are doing everything in your power for your DD
I wish you strength, love and hope.

oops beung?? of course I meant being

Quiet on here this evening!!
Hope everyone is behaving themselves .
Have just shooed the kids off to bed, and the peace and tranquility is enveloping the house in a lovely comforting way.
Love em, but sometimes I love them a little more when they are in bed

noteven my thoughts are with you.
I am not doing very well, was determined not to drink today but Sis is visiting from london and came round for dinner and...and....and

MA!, never mind!, try and have an early night and get some sleep!

im knackered, the emotions of the weekend are fading, enjoyed my womens meeting and will be going to a few more meetings this week, re-trench and re-ground myself! dh will be pleased, i have been more than usually difficult to live with the last few days!

night night babes!

L XXXXXXXXXXX

noteven thanks for posting to let us know how you are, my heart feels for you.

But you know, in your posts I can sometimes read a woman who is strong, a woman who is determined, and a woman who can do all that is possible to set things right. God knows it's not easy for any of us, Thoughts are with you every day.

jwn Glad to read that you are feeling better. Who knows why the cravings and frustration hit our of the blue (the crazy super moon??) but no one can feel boingy and happy all the time. If you did, you wouldn't appreciate it. You made it through, you didn't pick up and that's the important thing. Now you have that experience to draw on when/if the demons strike again.

noteven my thoughts are with you.

mouse sorry to hear that your mum isn't doing so well. I worry so much about my mum, it's hard when you feel there's not much you can do.
How is Nemo doing? Feeling better?

ma Today is a new day. Put yesterday behind you and don't drink today!

I am on Day 7 of this time round. Spoke with DH last night, explaining that it's not how much I drink, but WHY I drink that is my worry.

My anxiety is really bad at the moment, which scares me a bit, as I got really bad when DD was around 6 months old. And is a big factor in my drinking. Couldn't sleep last night.

Will not project though. Today I will not be drinking, and anxiety can just fuck off please

morning!

thanks for your kind words maddogs!, i did wonder if it was the super moon affecting my mood, i know it sounds daft, but my dm is certain one of my brothers has always been negative round full moon time.

i had a good meeting last night and realise this morning that i did it all wrong over the weekend - i didnt tell anyone (aonther alkie, that its) what was going on with me, i should have come on here or called someone and kind of 'handed it over' iyswim?, i felt better yesterday as soon as i told someone, i culd have asked my 'higher power' to take it from me but i just held on to it and festered all weekend, not a mistake i plan to repeat!

maddogs, thinking about your anxiety, would it be a good idea to go to the docs now and talk about it, just in case your body follows a pattern after birth?, at least this time round you are sober, rational and aware that the problem may resurface, just dont self medicate with booze!