Hi All
I have been lurking for a while and have found some experiences similar to my own .I?d like to get on the bus please. Last night was my 3rd night without any alcohol, probably the longest stretch I?ve had in years. Mainly, through family and work scenarios' , heavy drinking has been viewed as the normal. I consider a bottle of wine in the evening to be normal and on my days off, this would normally become two bottles, despite knowing how bad I?d feel the next day, physically and emotionally ( get that huge depressive slump). I have missed work a couple of times over the past two years due to raging hangovers, but could never admit this to anyone and would justify it to myself as ?well, you needed a blow out?. The reality is, I?ve felt crap because then I have missed out on time with my son, as I?ve been in bed being ill with it. He?s 13 yrs old and I?m a single parent ( have been since he was a baby).
I?ve always worked, helped with caring for members of my family and participated in lots of after school activities for my son. Most people would think I?m very motivated and organised, but they don?t see inside my house which is basically a mess. I?ve just spent most of my time really, clock watching until I could get home and ?relax?, using wine as the weapon of choice. I used to think it ?numbed? me and helped me sleep. From reading this thread, I can see that it?s done the opposite, which may explain my tiredness at the moment. I also can see now, that it wasn?t really numbing me, as I?ve had far too many nights, sat myself drinking away, listening to you tube and crying over songs. Not a good look really.
I was out on Saturday for a very rare night out and we were all drinking a lot, around the pretext of having a meal. One woman sat bemoaning her love life, another how much she wanted to ?end it all? and the other left after an argument with her husband. I felt this weird detachment as in..?what are we all doing?? All women in our 40?s and I can?t say that any of us actually had a good time that evening. I had the hangover from hell on the Sunday and as the day progressed kept thinking to myself, that this can?t go on. My father was an alcoholic and it killed him. I know the damage that it does to families and I?m here basically doing the same to my son.
I don?t know whether I?m cutting down at the moment to ?normalise? my drinking or stopping all together. I?m still in the culture where heavy drinking is very normal, so I suspect I?ll never be able to achieve that. Stopping completely looks like my only realistic option. At the moment, I?m concentrating on this day by day and am being aware of ?triggers? as many here have pointed out. I?m tired this morning, but not hung over, which is a ?first? again on a day off. Last night I would normally have had a bottle and a bit more since I was going onto days off. I?ve got up at the same time as my son and seen him out the door to school and haven?t gone back to bed to recover. I have a few ?action points? to do today to keep me motivated and to achieve something with my time ( also to keep me busy!).
I hope that everyone else is ok and look forward to being on the bus with you all.