Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Into Spring - BOING!!

1000 replies

Mouseface · 01/03/2011 22:26

Previous Thread

The One Before

And All Others Before That

So, this is The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

All are welcome, regardless of your background, stage of sobriety, or anything else. Smile

I'm Mouse and have been here since June 2010, and in control of my drinking since August 2nd 2010.

You will find unconditional support here. Always.

Whatever you feel about drinking (or not), we've been in your shoes. Some more than once.

So, come say hi, come grab a seat. There is always an open door and a warm welcome on this Bus.

OP posts:
MIFLAW · 08/03/2011 10:47

3for

welcome.

Can I start by asking where you live (approximately, of course; I'm not going to come and stalk you)? The main reason I ask is that, in AA, as a general rule, the larger the city, the more chance you have of finding young people (although, that said, my very early meetings were in Herne Bay, which is tiny, and there was a 23-year-old single mother who went there too.)

I would guess that most people make it to AA somewhere between 30 and 45, though there are a lot of people either side (I joined at 27).

When I moved to London, though, I met a guy who was 9 years sober who had joined when he, like you, was 21. Now i had always seen myself as a very young member of AA, so this shocked me. Sitting there, in the meeting, I thought to myself, "what was I doing when I was 21?" The answer was not long in coming. At 21, I was literally drinking in the streets, first thing in the morning. I didn't count it then as street drinking or morning drinking, because I was abroad and on my way home from a nightclub on the first metro - nevertheless, I was starting the day, occasionally at least, with a bottle of light ale by way of what I would later call a "livener". The same year, I got robbed on a train and then got pursued round an unfamiliar town the next day by a drunk with a knife, who had been my travelling companion (and, probably, the thief.) I was 21 and a student; he was a lorry driver in his 40s. The only thing that united us was the need to drink. At 21, I was more than ready for AA - I just needed another 6 years, and a lot more heartache, to find that out.

The other thing I need to share with you is that, in those 6 years, it never got better; only worse. The breakfast drinks, while never a daily thing, became less rare; the light ale became Stella and wine, then K cider; the career as a promising student and top-flight academic hit a wall when I solde my books to pay for wine and I ended up a shelf stacker (and a shit shelf stacker at that); the friends I had drunk with calmed down and got responsibilities, whereas I ran away from responsibilities and got more anxious, confused and angry. At 27 it felt like my life was already over.

I don't know if AA (or any other approach to handling your drinking) is for you; I do know that you have nothing to lose by trying, and potentially masses to lose by not trying. Remember that the second A stands for anonymous, and that's just as important as the first A; no one is going to blow your cover while you work out what's right for you. The worst possible thing you could do now is to do nothing.

Good luck - happy to help if I can. (BTW I'm in London.)

MIFLAW · 08/03/2011 10:50

"It feels so scary (and unrealistic) to decide never to drink again" - I have never decided this, nor been asked to. Every day, I decide not to drink that day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. After all, drinking's not illegal - if I really fancy some more punishment, I can go back in the pub whenever I want.

But for today I'll pass, thanks.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 11:11

Morning MIFLAW Smile

Rusty - only a few weeks, no more than three for me. But the first few nights without alcohol were horrid.

Lots of sweating and jittery sleep. I didn't feel rested when I woke. And I did it all whislt caring full time for Nemo (my DS who has Complex Needs).

I can't imagine doing that every night/day now.

Just no.

IsinDe - I hope you ahve a lovely day with DP, and yay for sleeping DT! Bless her. How old are they now?

Has anyone heard from Silver BTW?

Or desire?

OP posts:
desireischanging · 08/03/2011 11:14

I am here Mouse, just bit overstretched in RL at minute !

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 11:27

Loving your new name! Good on you! xx

OP posts:
dementedma · 08/03/2011 12:35

quickly checking in. feel resolve starting to slip a bit. the old story, get some success, sabotage myself.
On the plus side have squeezed into a size 12 pair of trousers for the first time in years!!Grin

thursomuchtolookforwardto · 08/03/2011 12:38

Good afternoon everyone,

sorry for being self-obsessed last night, work is getting me down a bit at the moment, I love what I do, it's just all the stuff around it that I find really hard, banging my head against a wall really.

Still, was up early this morning, and got a lot done, just have to present it now, and annoy everyone again!

Threefor hi there, I should say that if you are worried about how much you drink, that's all you need to know. I can see you've had really good advice on here already, and I would echo Venus that now is a fantastic time in your life to do something about it, and then enjoy the rest of your life without having to make those resolutions Grin

I hope you are all having a good day, is the sun shining on all of you?

thursomuchtolookforwardto · 08/03/2011 12:38

Envy size 12 Ma

MIFLAW · 08/03/2011 12:43

Ma

Two promises:

If you stay away from a drink, things will get better.

If you keep drinking, things will get worse. Even when they're so bad that you can't imagine what worse looks like, you will find out if you drink.

stay strong and keep doing the right thing, a day at a time.

venusandmars · 08/03/2011 12:53

ma - I know that feeling so well. I read some stuff about self-sabotage which talked about the twin fears - the fear of failure and the fear of success. I can sometimes feel myself stuck right inbetween those 2. My fear of failure script goes like this: I've not had a drink for x days now, oh no that's going to make me feel even worse when I do eventually fail - and here I am posting on the web, everyone will be so disappointed in me, I'll have let everyone in real life down, and myself down, and other people in the same situation... blah blah blah.

My fear of success script goes like this: oh no, I've not had a drink for a while now, what if I never feel the need to drink again - I don't want people thinking I'm some kind of hero, just 'cos I've turned things around, mostly I'd rather just sit quietly in the background. And now that I'm getting my drinking sorted out, I've no excuses for anything else that goes on - nothing to hide behind... blah, blah, blah.

Of course I know that neither of those thinking patterns are in the least bit useful. So I'm off to put the kettle on, and have a nice cup of tea and a kit-kat Grin

Tristmum · 08/03/2011 13:16

Hello Babes

Don't have time to post anything, trying to entertain the youngest DCs, but finding reading very helpful so thank you again.

Daisydreamer · 08/03/2011 13:58

Hello - may I join in?

Have been worried about my drinkingfor a while. I drink at least a bottle of wine a night. At weekends (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I have vodka as well. Try to tell myself that it's normal but I know it's not.

Every night I lie in bed and think I won't drink tomorrow. But every 'tomorrow' I do. I start wanting to from picking the children up but usually wait until 6.30ish when my dh comes home. I don't even dare calculate my weekly units.

I didn't drink yesterday for the first time in forever. I don't see why if I can't drink for one day I can't drink for more - if you see what I mean?!

But could do with a little inspiration so find myself here....

I'm 32 with 3 dc's age 12,7 and 1.

MIFLAW · 08/03/2011 14:00

Daisy

Welcome.

You describe very well my old life.

Glad to say it's not my new life.

If I can do it, anyone can.

Daisydreamer · 08/03/2011 14:09

Thank you.

I have forgotten what my life is like sober.

Everything I do is punctuated by alcohol.

Celebrating, commiserating, bad day at work, stressful day.

Just not sure what to use instead.

dementedma · 08/03/2011 14:15

Daisy welcome. you will see from all of the posts here that none of us find it easy. but being here makes it easiER. You did one day - brilliant. today you will do another. that's all you need to do for now.

you will note that i am much better at giving this advice than following it, which is why i am here Smile

threefortheroad · 08/03/2011 14:19

Thank you everyone so, so much for all your kindness and advice. I have read all your replies repeatedly.

Mousie ? Thank you. I really do want to face up to it before I?ve permanently damaged a career/ life/ liver (particularly before I start a scary City job this time next year ? that?s when I know I?ll really start to mess things up if I continue drinking how I am now).

I hope your crazy day isn?t too exhausting!

Venus ? Thank you so much too. I am more than willing to try anything at all that might help. I am in London so I?m sure everything is available once I know where to look. For the first time I am seriously researching my options. May I ask how long it took you to go back to old habits following hypnotherapy? While it seemed to work, were you drinking in a controlled way or abstaining? Do you think you could certainly have had long term success with it if you had combined it with AA/ other support from the outset?

I have also been researching the ?Sinclair method? ? naltrexone pills taken before every drinking session which block the alcohol/pleasure response receptors in your brain, eventually retraining your mind (hopefully) not to associate drinking with (at the time..) pleasurable binging. Have you or has anyone else had any experience with this? The success rate is apparently 80%, but it is still quite unused, particularly in the UK. The downside is that you need to take this stuff before every drink for the rest of your life..

I am going to go to my first AA meeting tonight (although I am scared ? even just seeing that in writing!). Can I really just turn up?! I am also going to look into alcohol counseling services this afternoon.

You are quite right that I can socialize without alcohol and that drinking is not what I find enjoyable. I know that on my AF days although not on the downwards slide after the first couple.

Thank you again for your welcome and advice.

Mouse ? On Saturday night I had at least five pints and two and a half/ three bottles of wine on an empty stomach. I may have had more, but I can?t remember the last hour or so, or getting home. I would say that this is reasonably average for a big night for me. I don?t often drink spirits because I know what happens if I do (worse things, more quickly). Wine is the main problem ? if I stick to beer all evening I am usually ok.

MIFLAW ? Thank you for such a helpful reply and for sharing your experiences with me. I am also in London. A lot of what you relate has rung true ? especially that as time went on your drinking buddies were calming down. I finished my undergrad degree last summer and meeting up with my friends now it is clear that they have reigned in to accommodate new jobs etc while I have only got worse.

You are completely right that the worst thing I can do now is nothing. I intend (as above) to go to the first AA meeting tonight and am going to try not drinking while I work through what to do next. I have a few events this week but think I might use giving up for Lent as a convenient social excuse and try to abstain. I have done this before for an extended period of time (following a particularly scary blackout when I lost memory for over six hours and woke up covered in cuts and bruises, without any of my personal possessions/ some clothes and with several strange numbers ringing me) and it was blissful not drinking.

I will also not be drinking today. Thank you.

Thurs ? You are completely right. I am not just worried, either ? I am obsessed! Drinking is the most grief-causing, damaging element of my life and has been since I was 15. I just need to remember it.
The sun is shining here too! Smile

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 14:21

Hello daisy

Lovely to meet you Smile

So, what do you want to happen? Stop completely or cut right back?

I guess you use drink to cushion a variety of emotions?

OP posts:
Daisydreamer · 08/03/2011 14:26

:)

Hello everyone,

I want to stop drinking at home I think. It just seems a sad thing to do to get pissed every night when my time is worth more than that.

I don't go out often so if I just drank then it should be ok. (aware I am justifying myself as have night out planned on Saturady and can't imagine not drinking!)

I guess I have to get through tonight though first..

Will try to read through the thread to see what other people's stories are.

Thanks for saying hi.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 14:29

3For - jeez you can drink!

Can I ask you some more questions please? Feel free to ignore them. Smile

Is it when you go out? Or, when at home too?

Do you think you have a 'trigger' for binge drinking or is it because you 'can' drink as much as you want to?

How often are you blacking out?

Have you lost anything when you've had a lot to drink? Partner, job, wallet/bag, phone?

OP posts:
Mouseface · 08/03/2011 14:30

Daisy - All I'm going to say is 'Don't project' about Saturday.

You'll understand why when you read the threads back Grin

OP posts:
MIFLAW · 08/03/2011 14:50

3For

Where are you going to a meeting tonight? Yes, you can just turn up. Try to get there 15 minutes early - you can get a tea or coffee, there will be people smoking outside, and it will save having to walk into a meeting that's already started which can be intimidating.

Have you got a Where To Find? I attend meetings in South East London.

Also, one more tip. Obviously, the goal is not to drink. But, if you have had a drink, PLEASE don't let that deter you from going to a meeting. EVER. You are always welcome, drunk or sober and, as long as you don't start throwing chairs, you will never be turned away.

I had a discussion with someone else recently about naltrexone. Here is the gist of what I think - it may help you one way or the other, though bear in mind it's only my opinion:

"Sometimes, when I hear about things like this - and it's not the only one (antabuse, but also kudzu, various herbal remedies, the works) I am, not tempted exactly, but a little bit wistful and curious.

And then I remember.

I don't know exactly when my active alcoholism started, but I remember at least a year of "normal" drinking, maybe two or three, before the wheels started to fall off. Now, whether I had the "ism" all that time is a moot point - but you would think that, during that period, I could have made different decisions about my actual drinking that would have spared me a lot of pain.

And the thing is, I didn't. I had no real desire to be a normal drinker or even an awareness of what that is. I could have drunk two pints once a week; I didn't. I drank until my money ran out. I drank every night and, when there was a party, I would drink to excess. Every time. I didn't even intend to get drunk. My definition of drinking was that you drank until something forced you to stop. Drunkenness was just an occupational hazard, not a goal in itself.

So why, now, would I want to be a normal drinker? Answer: I don't. If there was a magic pill that enabled me to drink like I used to and not suffer any ill effects, I'd probably be well up for it. But a pill to cut down? Why bother? If I'd found one glass of wine once in a blue moon pleasurable, I'd have done it. I didn't.

As for a pill to stop ... Well, I've already stopped, without any medication or ill effects, and I'm happier than I ever was as a drinker because I don't feel vulnerable. So what use would a pill be?

If you really want to be a social drinker, then this could be the miracle you have been waiting for. If you want to stop, this may also work - but do you want to be on medication for life?

And if you don't want to be a social drinker, then why try to become one? It's like building Sharon Davies a paddling pool in her back yard.

As always, just my opinion. But, for me, I honestly don't see the attraction."

threefortheroad · 08/03/2011 15:14

Mouseface ? tell me about it!

Of course you can ask questions! Smile

It is both when I go out and when I?m at home. I try not to keep booze in the house, because if it?s here I?ll drink the cupboards dry. (Usually after thinking that I?ve had a long day and will have one glass of wine to get me to sleep ? queue staying up until 4am).

I only go to pubs, never clubs, because pubs do at least close before I can get totally smashed. I usually drink the worst when I have friends over ?partially because I do at least know I?m in a safe environment. I am also a complete liability at parties of any kind.

I think the trigger is depression and particularly the winter blues. I am a high achiever and put a lot of pressure on myself. Drinking turns my brain off (until the next morning..). I can go April ? August drinking without getting ridiculously drunk, and then September ? March I?ll be drinking by myself again, sometimes every night. It doesn?t help that I ?can? drink a lot, as you say. I have only been sick from alcohol once (and even then a dodgy kebab was involved!).

In the last week I have blacked out three times, which is very high for me. In general I would say in the winter once a week on average and never in the summer. I will tend to black out before I pass out (and obviously before I am sick). I am told that I continue drinking when I am blacked out.

I haven?t lost anything significant, beyond time, dignity, a few phones and a lot of money. I could easily have lost my boyfriend of four years, but his mother is a ?functioning? alcoholic and I think he is too attuned to this lifestyle to have completely given up on me ? yet.

Momentarynamechange · 08/03/2011 15:37

Afternoon all Smile

How is everyone? Lots of interesting discussion on here today...

Daisy and 3for, hello from a fellow 3-er! Stay on board the bus, you'll get lots of support, as you'll already have seen Smile

Had a doc appointment today and have another bloody lump in my boob that needs a scan and what she thinks is probably a form of skin cancer on my face, which needs to be lopped off. It appears I may be falling apart a little bit!

I can worry for England about health problems that might not be there, but when faced with real issues, I am strangely calm Confused

The bad news is I have bought wine and have every intention of drinking it this evening. I know it won't make me feel better, and I know I'll feel worse tomorrow, but just for today I'm going to say drink if I want to and cut out the exhausting do/don't arguments that will go round and round in my head...

Massive congratulations to everyone who's stopped / cut down, and to everyone who's considering their options, which is brave in itself.

x

threefortheroad · 08/03/2011 15:38

MIFLAW ? Thank you again.

I am going to a meeting pretty much the opposite end of London to you ? about 10 minutes walk from my flat. I will get there early as you suggest, as I loathe walking in late even to rooms full of people I know. Will I be called upon to speak? I?m not sure I?ll be able to, but I don?t want to get less out of the experience by just being an observer, if that makes sense.

Sorry to be ignorant, but what is a Where to Find?

Thank you too for your thoughts on naltrexone. I completely see where you are coming from and you are totally right to say that being on medication for life is hardly an ideal solution. You are also right about ?normal? and ?abnormal drinkers? - I am not a normal drinker, have never, ever been a normal drinker, and probably never will be. The first time I drank when I was fourteen it was straight vodka and oblivion at a party.

The thing that interests me about it is that I have read that followers of this method often find that alcohol loses that ?allure? for them ? the allure of having more and more. I rarely start out drinking intending to get drunk (quite the opposite) and perhaps if that rush of chemical feel-good factor in my brain was taken away, I would be able to drink one or two a week in social situations with an ?off switch?, and without having to explain to everyone I know that I can no longer drink because I am a 21 year old alcoholic. Ideally, though, you are right, and I would never drink again (or feel the pressure to).

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 15:49

3For - you could be me. That's what I used to drink like. High pressured job, early dark mornings to work, late dark evenings home and straight onto the wine or worse because I'd had a rough day.

Every day.

Fast foward a few years and we have a DS with SN and a life threatening heart condition.

Not a drop. Not once. The fear that he needed me to be there, drive to the hospital, sit with him in PICU, not once did I drink.

As soon as he started to get a bit better, bang. I hit the bottle again.

No idea why.....but mainly because I could.

Any one of the things on your list of loses is enough isn't it? And I could have lost my marriage, my DD and DS.

It's just not worth it. It really isn't.

But before you stop or cut down, you really can't see that.

You have to want to change your life and your abusive relationship with alcohol. But you have to plan this. You have to plan your day away from booze to start.

It's good that you don't have booze in the house, I do, for DH, and I'll have the odd glass or two now and again.

Unless I have a wobble and fuck it all up. But I know The Drill, and so will you over time.

You need to take your time, not expect anything to be changed overnight, listen to your body and not beat yourself up if you do drink.

No-one can do this for you. It has to be you. That in itself is a huge amount of pressure.

So if you perform well under pressure, it'll be a doddle, right?

Stay on the Bus, you'll meet lots of people just like you and some that are completely different.

BUT...... we all have the same thing in common, a shit relationship with booze!

Off to take the wolf out for a walk, be back later Brave Babes xx

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.