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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Questioning my role within my marriage

179 replies

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 22:52

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:00

You really need to take back the control here.
Don't ask your dh about the childminder, you contact them and give notice.
That will free up the money for your car at least!
As for the PC, well you can set up different accounts on the same pc, one for the kids with restricted access and one for you with total access.
Sounds a little like sleeping with the enemy tbh, quite disturbing!

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:01

Oh and 'apparantly' unsafe to drive, did a mechanic tell you that or your dh?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:03

Dh took it to a mechanic who said it was unsafe. Something to do with the brakes.

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lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:05

Brakes are easy and not expensive to fix and you only have your dh's word that is what the mechanic said.

Sorry to sound so down on your dh, but something is just not right here.

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:05

I will try and speak to him again about the childminder.

Didn't mean it to sound so bad. He is not violent or agreddive in anyway. I just think he wants to look after me but goes to far.

Have no idea how to set up individual users on the pc.

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perfumedlife · 24/02/2011 23:06

Agree with lookingfoxy, dont ask your dh if you can dispense with the childminder, just do it! You are an adult, you are no longer ill, you are allowed to run your own life.

Surely being stuck at home all day alone would drive you ill? I don't like the sound of your dh's kid gloves, they sound like they could suffocate you.

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:07

I also think he has a very old fashioned attitude which makes him think it's his job to sort stuff out.

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SueWhite · 24/02/2011 23:07

Doing nothing will only make you more depressed. Looking after the children or getting a job will give you more sense of purpose.

If you cancel the childminder you can get the car fixed

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:08

your post sounds creepy, almost chilling

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:08

Tell him that the loneliness and uselessness may well bring back your depression, and you need to insist on the childminder.

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:09

Would the childminder take my word for it? I have never actually met her because I was I'll when dh took her on. I know lots about her though and the kids seem to love her and her.

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BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:10

Sorry that my posts sound creepy [Sad]

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moondog · 24/02/2011 23:10

Eh? Alone for 12 hours a day? Kids are only in school 6 hours a day.

Get a job.
Is it that complicated?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:11

Sorry for typos. On dd's iPod and the auto correct is mad!

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lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:11

Your their mother, she better listen to you as should your dh.
You sound as if you've been totally devalued and are starting to believe that your valueless yourself.

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:12

Oh and tell your dh to set you up your own account on the computer.

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:13

Start menu
Control panel
User accounts should be in there
Then select create a new account.

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:15

Moondog, kids are at childminders before and after school. Really would like to get a job but dh really against it so what can I do?

I do feel devalued foxy, like I'm a non person.

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Laquitar · 24/02/2011 23:16

I too find it chilly.

I dont agree with the posters who say 'just do it'. He might get very angry.

BasketWeaver have you got any family?

Have you got someone you trust who could check the car secretely?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:16

It's password protect, how do I get round that? Will have a proper look in the morning.

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moondog · 24/02/2011 23:17

Wtf do you do all day then? Hmm

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:17

Stand up for yourself.
He is against you getting a job, just damn well tell him you are dead against not getting a job!

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:17

Laquitar, don't really have anyone, no family close by.

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lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:19

Why don't you know the password!
Ask him what it is.
Your posts are worrying, you know this is seriously wrong.

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:19

I don't do anything moondog, believe me I would if I could. Wanted to do some volunteering but he was against that too.

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