Questioning my role within my marriage

[BasketWeaver]

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

I definitely think he knows I am unhappy with him.

I can't leave yet as I have no money and no where to go yet.

This iPod is brilliant. Just set up a hotmail account under a made up name. Going to try and email an old friend of mine. Can I email womans aid?

He is hurting her. Domestic abuse isn't just physical. Much of what the op has detailed is clearly DA.

Go to a refuge and claim benefits.

How can you save up cash if you have no income?

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There is no way he is keeping my kids. Id fight him to the death for them. They are my Babies and he can f*ck off if he thinks he us taking them off me. Will log off now. Will try and get back on in the morning. Thank you all, feel much stronger just for talking about it

Read this thread with my jaw dropped to my chest. My God, it's like the Barretts of Wimpole Street, or that Buffy episode where her mum dates a robot who keeps her in the cellar. The original Bird in a Gilded Cage. Depressed, I should think you would be depressed.

What everyone else said. Do that. Do all of it. And don't for one moment believe you are being ungrateful. Tell your psychiatrist everything, after making sure your H definitely can't overhear. It sounds as if there is a mad person in your household, but it isn't you.

Darlene, I think I'd need to let him keep adding to his stash and then take it when I go. Really must go now. Night x

Goodnight Basket. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you're OK.

Come back and talk to us again if it helps.

Although I'm concerned that your DH knows you post on MN.

does he always save at home? We are all thinking of you op, you are getting stronger. Do you not have a house phone/mobile? Womans aid doesnt appear on your phone bill

think op name changed spidookly

BW, when you go to see the psychiatrist, if you find it difficult to articulate some of the stuff you want to talk about then direct her to this thread.

My heart is beating so fast for you and your children.

I am glad you can access MN and email without him knowing, at least.

How old are your DCs? When did the 'depression' start? What did you do beforehand?

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

BW

Re one of your earlier comments:-
"He says he comes with me to "support" me".

No he does not come along to the surgery to support you, he goes along there to keep an eye on you. You are truly in a gilded cage of his own making.
You are being controlled by this man and have been controlled by him for a number of years now I would think.

Do speak to the pysch; tell her you are in a controlling relationship. All the behaviours you describe on his part are controlling behaviours; the control as well has escalated since you've been with him too. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

You are getting stronger and you have started the process on here. Do speak to Womens Aid. Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (there are excerpts available online).

I reckon it was also mainly his idea (was it?) to move you all out into the sticks; again isolating the victim from family, friends and a support network is a common tactic shown by controlling abusers.

You need makes plans to leave him, he will however, not let go of you easily. Be very careful.

Truly shocking thread. Hope you got some sleep BW, but I guess that your mind has been on overdrive after all of this last night.

Agree with what everyone else has said, the most awful part to me is that he is trying to keep your children from you .

I wonder if you would like more practical help from anyone on here (lifts, help with planning etc, storing photocopied documents/bank statements away from the house) since you are so isolated?

Darleneconnor said "It loks like he's setting up a scenario where he can say he's their main carer (child benefit, organising childminder, not letting you have much time alone with them, doing school runs, buying things) and can 'hide' his assets and say you have none." and I completely agree FWIW.

The more people you can get this documented with - GP, psychiatrist, women's aid, health visitor (?), the better for you and your children in the long term. If he does try to go down the route of keeping the children with him, main carer etc, there will be documentary evidence to show the truth. All of these people will know not to charge in like a bull in a china shop, but will be able to support you to break away.

Can I introduce a note of caution here.

The OP called this thread "Questioning my role within my marriage" and if you read the OP, she feels her husband is trying to protect her but she feels bored and wants to do more.

After reading the responses, she now feels that she doesn't love him, wants to leave and is going to contact women's aid.

This decision has been reached in less than two hours from advice given by a load of people on the internet who have never met her, or her husband, and know nothing of their situation than what is wriiten here.

She is seeing a psychiatrist. That the psychiatrist has not discharged her would strongly suggest that her depression is not perhaps totally gone, or that there are other issues that need addressing.

I cannot understand why on Mumsnet when people say that they have had MH issues, that people start implying that the issues MUST be being caused by their husband. Surely anyone with any sense can see that this is potentially dangerous.

I do agree that the OP's situation sounds odd, BTW, and needs challenging. But carefully.

OP PLEASE talk to our psychiatrist. He/she really knows you - we don't. Please don't make any hasty decisions.

BasketWeaver - I think that the psychiatrist who already treats you and knows you is by the far the best person to confide in - it will be much easier to tell her all this than to tell a stranger. And, since she is a HCP, she will know how to access other help for you.

Good luck.

x-post with BallonSlayer!

basket, have read through your thread and am so for you. It is hard to believe. Shocking.
How are you feeling this morning?

You have good advice but what you have to do but seem like quite a mountain. Echo what scaredofcows said re practical help. Could you/would you tell us whereabouts you live so someone can help?

Listen to balloonslayer....she's right. It's all een too quick.

BasketWeaver,
Be very clear that it's not just women reading this thread in disbelief. This whole situation is incredibly scary. This guy (I won't say dh) has got you exactly where he wants you.
I don't really need to add anything to what the other posters have written apart from trying to encourage you to speak to as many real life people as possible about your situation - anyone. As others have said, walk to the doctor on your own and tell them everything. Tell your psychiatrist everything, phone womansaid today. The more you speak to people, the more you'll realise how unaceptable it all is.

Everything he is telling you is complete bullshit to subjegate you. Take control today.
Everyone's thinkng of you. Good luck. :)

Agree with others above - Psychiatrist knows you best so makes a lot of sense to go to them first.

Good post BallonSlayer

Dear OP I do hope you've gained some strength from sharing.

The whole situation sounds like some edwardian 'mad woman' in the attic saga.

When my depression kept me at home both the gp and dh worked hard to get me out of the house, and helped build my confidence so I could return to the independant person I was before.

He's clearly controlling you. However I agree with others that a very carefull, considered action is required.

definately agree that op has to take things slowly, she doesn't feel in danger and speaking to someonewho knows her will help put things into perspective. Let us know how you get on op

OP listen to what BallonSlayer has said re: psychologist.

Explain to her what you are unhappy with, ask for her advice and ask for a plan to be put in place to help you take steps to become independent again.

From what you've said about your DH and my own experience with a parents depression and MH problems, it sounds more like he is trying to protect you, yes in a misguided and counter-productive way, but not controlling you for this scheme some posters on here seem to suggest. After you've spoke to your psychologist , sit down with your DH and say that you feel your much better and want to slowly start doing more/taking more responsibility.

You secretively stockpiling money, disappearing off into town, cancelling the childminder without discussion, is only going to make you look ill and paranoid rather than someone who wants their life back.

Good luck OP

Balloonslayer-have you had any professional experience of domestic abuse?

In da cases they usually first present as other problems. It takes a huge step for a victim to label their situation as da. Posters on this thread have seen the warning signs and asked further questions of the op. Nobody coerced her into saying she doesnt love him and wants to leave. Given her situation it is not surprising that she had to be asked before volunteering this info, that is a typical da pattern.

The op needs urgent help and im guessin% she doesnt see her psychiatrist everyday. Waiting could be dangerous, esp if he finds out about her being on here last night. It wouldnt take much at this @tage for him to cut her net access conpletly.

Just because op is seeing a psychiatrist does not mean she is lacking in mental competancy to make decisions about leaving her dh. If her dh is paying for the psychiatrist it could be another method of control, to make her feel crazy and to make her look like an unstable parent so he can keep the kids.