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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Questioning my role within my marriage

179 replies

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 22:52

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:33

In what way is it broken though? Did it fail its MOT? Did you see the documents?

tbh I think you'd be safer in a knackered car than in that house.

Stase · 24/02/2011 23:34

How far away is the childminder? I don't think I'd be comfortable with someone looking after my children who I had never met before.
And everything else you're saying is a bit concerning too.
Can you sit DH down and chat all this through with him? Being looked after is lovely, but in the interests of your mental health, maybe you need more input/control in your life and that of the family?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/02/2011 23:34

Have you ever challenged him re the childminder, the websites etc?

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:35

\do you have your own bank account/money/cash?

Does DP go out other than to work? Could he run you into town when he goes to work?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:35

The shopping get delivered. We do it online. I haven't got much money ATM, lost my bank card but dh is ordering me a new one. Have about £12 cash

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:35

What happens with the DCs schools arents evenings and thing like that (parties)?

Stase · 24/02/2011 23:36

Why is DH ordering your new bank card? If the account is in your name only you can do that I thought?

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:37

why dh and not you?

do you have your own mobile on a contract or payg?

who opens the mail?

does he check your spending/calls?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/02/2011 23:37

How come everything is down to your DH to sort out? (Car, DC's, bank card etc) Is that your choice?

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:37

Why aren't you ordering your own bank card? Is it really lost if you don't go anywhere, or has he hidden it? It all seems far to convenient!
And why don't you have access to money?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:37

I do challenge him about things but he always has a really good answer for everything.

I don't know it what way the car is broke. It was making a funny squeaky noise. Dh took it to the garage and they told him it needs new brakes or something.

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:38

What does he say when you tell him all this?
That you are bored out of your mind and feel like a child?
Have you told him?

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:39

have you talked to dh about moving back to the suburbs?

is he happy living there?

Bonsoir · 24/02/2011 23:39

BasketWeaver - I think you are being seriously deskilled by the isolation and dependence your DH has forced upon you. That's pretty worrying.

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:40

I would be saying im not interested in his 'answers' and be telling him how things are going to be from now on in.
But thats just me.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/02/2011 23:40

You know, if this is just a case of him being over protective because you were depressed, then if you know say firmly 'DH, I want to stop using the childminder', he should listen to you. In fact, he should be glad that his wife is feeling better. In fact, he should be encouraging you to take on some responsibility so that you get your confidence back. Have you tried saying that to him?

megapixels · 24/02/2011 23:40

Well even if he was doing all this to help you when you were ill it's not good for it to be the permanent arrangement isn't it? Do you have any friends you are in contact with? Don't you walk into town? With 12 hours to while away don't you want to do that?

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:40

We have always just used dh's account because I have a ccj from years ago. He always let's me have a card for it though. Can't realty get to a cash point though.

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:41

sounds like the discs, £200 tops

doesn't mean it is totally undrivable

Bonsoir · 24/02/2011 23:42

I really think you need some counselling/therapy to regain the normal life of an adult.

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:42

where does the child benefit and child tax credits go?

you should be getting these

ThisFeelsWeird · 24/02/2011 23:42
Hmm
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/02/2011 23:42

I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him how you feel and what you want to happen. If he is resistant to change, then I think you have a real problem.

Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:43

AT the very least you should be demanding to meet the childminder.

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:44

is he controlling in bed?

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