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Original poster

Questioning my role within my marriage

179 replies

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 22:52

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:46

what were yours and his upbringings like?

is this pattern/lifestyle 'normal' to one/both of you?

Original poster
BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:46

I do want to go out. I want to take my own children to school and pick them up. I want to get a part time job or at least volunteer.

I have challenged him about things. In fact I've dine it often but he is convinced that I'd be putting pressure on myself and I'd get I'll again. If I try being more forceful he says I'm aggitated and paranoid and that shows I'm not ready to work etc.

I do go out with him sometimes. To parents evening. Or days out with the kids but it's always with him.

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:47

Time for outside help OP.
Get a taxi to the GP.

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 23:48

When you go to the GP doyou go alone? If so, could you talk to the GP about it? It sounds like you're fine and want to move on but someone is stopping you.

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:48

Is there a bus service to take you into town?
Fuck it, drive the car, but I bet he's drained the petrol out of it!!!

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 23:48

Do you have money for a taxi?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/02/2011 23:48

Ok, well I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until your last post. But now I have him pegged as a manipulative, controlling wanker.

megapixels · 24/02/2011 23:49

Looks like he's trying to convince you that you are not ready. The more he keeps you in the more likely it is that you'll spiral into depression again. I don't think you should confront him but speak to someone first.

megapixels · 24/02/2011 23:50

I am very :( that you don't have much of a relationship with your children. If you leave would they come with you?

Original poster
BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:50

Child benefit goes into his account. Don't think we get tax credits.

Can't really answer the bed thing because can't remember the last time we had sex.

Going to gave to go soon, can hear him getting ready to come up and when he turns all the plugs off the wifi won't work.

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 24/02/2011 23:50

theres too much control on his part. How do you feel about him? How were you treated for pnd? I agree you should ask to meet the childminder. Do you have access to a telephone? This is a sad situation and you obviously feel trapped. Please make sure you vent here so we can help with your worries

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:52

Come back tomorow please, you need help to break out this cycle.

spidookly · 24/02/2011 23:52

So, you have no bank account.

Your access to the Internet is limited by him.

You have no transport.

You live in the middle of nowhere.

You are not allowed to work or volunteer.

Your children are out of the house 12 hours a day.

They go to a childminder you have never met.

You spend all day alone doing nothing.

You barely have any contact with your friends.

Am I right so far?

So this man has basically wiped you from the face of the earth, made you completely dependent on him and taken all meaning from your life?

This is incredibly, deeply fucked up.

You need to call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:52

COme on BW. Make appt with GP tomorrow.
Go there by yourself, in a taxi, or get a friend to take you if that's possible.
ANd contact your family.
THis has to be aired to a wider circle of RL people now.

Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:54

And I second ringing Womens Aid.
They will chat to you - it doesn't have to be all physical abuse for them to help.

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:54

how was he BEFORE you became depressed?

have you been given the all clear by the GP? id dh aware of this? why does he think you'll get ill again?

is he controlling of the DCs?

How does he react if you want to spend sme alone time with them at the weekend?

Original poster
BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:55

He comes with me to the gp but I have a psychiatrist appointment soon and although he'll probably come with me he won't be able to come in the room. The psychiatrists always discourages him.

I don't have much money to get a taxi. Although I know where he hides cash in the house. He doesn't know I know that but he'd soon notice if I took some

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:56

He HIDES cash.
For god's sake OP. Sutrely you can see all this is not normal.
You need to get this out and aired in the open with health professionals and your family.

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 23:56

He HIDES the cash! O my God. Call a can tomorrow and go to the GP....tell himor her everrything.

lookingfoxy · 24/02/2011 23:57

This just gets better, take all the cash, whats he going to do about it!

darleneconnor · 24/02/2011 23:57

WHY is he turning off the plugs?

I take it you're 'not allowed' on the ipod at the moment? Shock

WHY is child ben not going into your account? does he buy the Dcs clothes/toys etc?

Am really worried about you, please call Women's Aid tomorrow.

spidookly · 24/02/2011 23:58

He comes with you to the GP?

What do you think would happen if you said you didn't want him to accompany you in to see the doctor and would prefer to be seen alone?

You know most married couples don't attend the doctor together, right?

That is seriously weird. Your GP might already be worried about you.

SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 23:58

He could change the locks foxy...this OP won't have the support she needsto get her and the DC somewhere safe.

Original poster
BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 23:58

He had always been controlling to a certain extent but it got really bad when I was depressed. He doesn't mind me being alone with the dc at home. He will leave them here if he is just going out for a short while. And I'm often alone with them at bath time etc.

OP posts:
SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 23:59

Are you on medication OP? Does he control that too?

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