Questioning my role within my marriage

[BasketWeaver]

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

Also if she hasnt told her psychiatrist whats on this thread then she wont know her better and wobt be in agood position to help her.

You need to sit him down and talk to him. He is being far too protective.

Tell him (not ask), but nicely, that things need to change. Even if the kids go to the childminders two days a week to give you a break that you want them the rest of the time. Then also tell him you need all the passwords and an account set up so that you can look at what you want to.

I think you are letting him dictate your life. Take it back - ever little bit of it.

BW how are you today?

You might feel a bit overwhelmed after the thread but i think it is good that you have start talking. You sound a nice person, articulate and a loving mum.

Apologies if we have asked so many questions last night, its because its on the internet and not face to face.

Many women here have been through depression or through questioning their role and their marriage and they do understand you.

If you are online please say a 'hello', you don't have to talk much if you don't want just let us know how are you this morning

Dont use the computer, keep using the ipod otherwise he'll be able to see your history.
If your planning to leave, don't do anything to arouse his suspicions.
Womens aid will be able to give you good advice.

When I read the start of this thread I thought the H was a well-meaning husband trying to protect the OP, if in a rather misguided way. Reading on it actually seems quite odd and worrying to me. Very difficult for us to get the full picture of course, not knowing the people involved.

Even if it is well-meaning it sounds an awful situation to be in. It's a long time since it's been thought appropriate to 'treat' depression by isolating the person and not allowing them to do anything (anyone read The Yellow Wallpaper!?). Generally it's better to start participating in 'normal' life again when you feel able, getting out and about and having some social contact and doing a manageable amount of work - volunteering or a part time job sounds like a good idea. If OP is seeing a psychiatrist and/or GP surely they would be saying this?

OP I hope you are able to talk to someone in RL, and tell them what you've told us here. I think Women's Aid would be a good source of realistic, practical advise about how to improve your situation, and they can help you if necessary.

I am still here and reading not got much chance to post. Will explain later when I have more chance.

darlene no I haven't and I DO see what you are saying.

I have got into trouble with a similar thread to this before.

All that you are saying in your post may well be true. But it just as well may not be true.

I am simply counselling caution. I really do think the OP needs help and advice from objective people who know her and her DH well in real life, who are aware of her depression, and can judge what triggered it, whether her husband has used it to his advantage or not, whether it is indeed real or fabricated by the husband, and how well she has recovered. In other words, the MH professionals that are looking after her.

As I said before, I am concerned at the way the OP went from:
"I know my husband is trying to protect me" at 22.52 to

"I don't love him. Don't think I have for a long time. I feel a lot of resentment to him." at 00.09

That's 1 hour and 17 minutes. And in the middle was "I just needed somebody else to say it to
Me because my head is so muddled up I can't think straight. "

I agree she needs help and advice but it now looks as if she is planning a moonlight flit and I don't think that's a good idea at all.

Basket, can you try to get an urgent appointment with your psychiatrist?

Balloon

Most of the advice she got last night was telling her to talk to someone in real life about it, wasn't it?

At first we advised friends and WA.

Once the existence of the psychiatrist became clear she was advised by several of us to tell her psychiatrist about all of this.

I don't think it's fair to imply that people who responded to this thread last night and were worried about the OP were making light of her mental health issues or being rash in what they said.

Either way, this is the Internet, people will disagree about how to proceed on a thread like this. But it isn't going to be improved by turning it into a meta-argument about what people should and shouldn't say.

Who's to know what will help here? This is way beyond what any of us can deal with with any authority. As long as we are all dealing in good faith, I think we should just talk to the OP about her situation rather than to each other about her.

Basket I hope you're doing OK there.

think what was also established last night is that she has little or no contact with friends and family and even then dh is there. She doesnt get the freedom of seeing her gp alone or able to look at what she wants online.

As a sufferer of anxiety and depression i fail to see how isolating her helps. We are talking over the net which i think makes it easier to be honest and maybe why she went from feeling he was protecting her to being able to say what she truly feels ifyswim

We'll be here as long as you need basketweaver, just post when you can/want to.

You don't know who the childminder is to your own kids?

I cannot see how blocking your wife's access to online support, keeping her in rural isolation, controlling her money and limiting her access to her own children is supposed in anybody's book to be "well meant", protective or caring. OP, it was heartbreaking where you said your children miss you. I think your safety is paramount and I'm glad you're managing to box clever. You do need to get hold of some outside support, though, despite the obstacles that have been placed in your way.

If your psychiatrist is one your husband chose for you, it would be a good idea to tell your GP you're concerned about this (you can request a phone consultation). I hope it's not the case. Yes, you can email Womens Aid - also, I believe their phone number shows up as something mundane on your bill. If you can manage to rally outside support, you won't need to worry so much about how much cash you can get.

Stay strong!

How did the car get back from the garage if it was unsafe to drive? All this lying would make me really... I don't even know what the word is. I think I'd start thinking I was mad. And with all this isolation (physical and mental) it would be easy for him to convince you that you're not thinking straight.

Do you have any other adult company?

I thought that too Kathy - whenever I have taken my car to the garage and they found something seriously (dangerously) wrong, they refused to let me drive it away until it was fixed.

I don't understand how the GP hasn't smelt something fishy here...I woulld have thought it exceptionlly odd if a persons spouse came in to their appointment.

Hi Basket. There's such a lot of advice on here, it must be quite brain frazzling for you, but a good thing that you've got it out in the open. I think all us MN's are really concerned for you and your safety, so do keep us posted. I have / do suffer from depression and I know that sometimes its hard to pick out a thought or a course of action. Please don't feel bombarded with all the advice... you can pick out the bits you need or find useful. But if you only do one thing I think it should be talking to any Health Professional and/or Womens Aid.
Do let us know how things are.
Take care,
Felulah x

Hi Basket,
I really hope you are ok. Have read through the whole of this thread, and agree with other posters that your situation is really worrying. He is clearly in control of all aspects of your life.

My husband who is next to me says that he has also seen a psyciatrist and that in his experience they are there to help, and it just takes for you to have the confidence to be honest with them.

PLEASE tell your psychiatrist EVERYTHING that is going on in your life. They will take your situation very seriously and will do everything they can to help you. They can also contact your gp on your behalf if you want them to.

I think you are doing the right thing to tread very carefully.

Take care, x

Hi BasketWeaver, is everything OK at your end? Is it difficult to talk on here when it's the weekend and your dh is about?

Have skimmed rather than read every post, but quite frankly this sounds terrible.

What you describe is a non-life.

TBH, even without the history of depression, being stuck at home all day every day, miles from anyone, with no purpose, no job, not even taking your children to school... well, it would be enough to drive the sanest person mad. Seriously.

I hope you are able to find a way to start taking control back.

how are you bw?

I really hope you are able to come back and update at some point, BW. This is pretty shocking, and I am very afraid that he has set this up in order to mount a case that you are incapable of taking care of your own children for any length of time.

Please let us know if you are OK.

I would agree that the psychiatrist is the lifeline here. She can help put you in touch with other relevant agencies/ support groups etc. Also, with her help, you could set a timetable for increasing your contact and input with your children. You could do this in stages - first speak to the childminder and become informed about what children are doing.

Once you are familiar with their routine, then start becoming increasingly involved. The childminder can still be there as a back-up if necessary but with increasingly fewer hours. Even if there were depression issues, no-one would argue that you should not be involved in the day-to-day care of your children.

Once you are more involved with your children on a day to day basis, you could then maybe look into some part-time work or study, or something.

It is crazy for your partner to expect you to be at home all day without any kind of role. Just tell him you are working with your psychiatrist towards becoming more involved in your children and in developing your own interests, possible career or study, hobbies etc. Insist that the car is fixed so you can sometimes pick up from childminders, visit friends etc.

Good luck.

Has anyone heard from the OP? I have not posted on this thread before but was following it and can't stop thinking about it :(

Me too. Everything ok, OP?