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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Questioning my role within my marriage

179 replies

BasketWeaver · 24/02/2011 22:52

I have been with dh since we were teenagers and we have children together. Don't want to give too much detail because I am a regular poster and really want to remain anonymous.

We have very traditional roles and so for the past 10 years I have been a sahm.
Slowly over the years I have lost contact with many of my old friends because we have grown apart and they dont seem to understand my desire to be a sahm. Also about 5 years ago we moved from a house in the suburbs to one out in the country. I love the house but feel isolated because we are now so far away from family.

All this has contributed to me feeling increasingly lonely.

After having my last child I suffered with depression for a while and so dh got a childminder. He drops the children there in the morning on his way to work and picks them up on his way back. Childminder takes them to school etc.

This means I am on my own for 12 hours every day. I have asked dh about whether we need to keep the childminder on now I am feeling well but he worried about me getting ill again.

To make matters even worse my car developed a problem and it's apparently unsafe to drive. We don't have the money to repair it so I am stuck here 2 miles from nearest neighbour, alone.

I am going out of my mind with boredom. And feel like I am being treated like a child. Dh has even blocked loads of sites on the pc like facebook because he worries about the children going on them. But this also means I can't get on it either which is frustrating.

I feel like I'm trapped in an ivory tower. I know my husband is trying to protect me but I have no life, no involvement in my childrens school life, no career, I might as well not exist.

OP posts:
Katisha · 24/02/2011 23:59

A normal person would be trying to get their wife to reintegrate back into normal life.
Not totally isolating and infantilising her.

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:00

why the hell does the GP allow him in the room?

GP appointments are confidential.

have you told your psychiatrist this stuff? PLEASE tell them asap.

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:01

what 'explanation' does he give for hiding the money?

Katisha · 25/02/2011 00:01

You've made a good start by opening up to MN. Hopefully the reactions here will show you that your life is not normal and that you need help to get back to a normal adult life.

BasketWeaver · 25/02/2011 00:03

He says he comes with me to "support" me.

I do know this isn't right. I just needed somebody else to say it to
Me because my head is so muddled up I can't think straight. And then sometimes I think I am being ungrateful. Because he foes look after me, buys me lots of clothes and presents.

He turns the plugs off just ad part of normal routine. He had no idea that I am on iPod. Not sure if he even knows it works via the wifi.

OP posts:
spidookly · 25/02/2011 00:03

Yes, you really must tell your psychiatrist what is happening to you.

I'm terribly concerned about you OP.

I really hope you ring Women's Aid.

This stuff is way over most of our heads here. We see a lot of stuff on this board, but this is shocking. Look how many of us are worried about you at this time of night.

spidookly · 25/02/2011 00:04

Don't tell him the iPod works via wi-fi

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:04

he only leaves you with the DCs 'for a short while' Shock Shock Shock

How the hell can he be justifying this?

are you still on meds?

does he control what you eat/wear?

does he give you compliments or criticise you?

Do you love him?

Do you want to leave him?

SeeJaneKick · 25/02/2011 00:04

So does he give you medication Basket?

TheSecondComing · 25/02/2011 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 25/02/2011 00:06

Tell other people how you are feeling. Get it into the open. Let the genie out of the bottle. Do not just say "oh I'm so muddled."
Psychiatrist.
GP - on your own.
Family/friends - there must be someone you talk to in the day? And if not - then all the more reason to tell professionals.

megapixels · 25/02/2011 00:07

I think you are safe only as long as he doesn't know that you are talking about this. Please make sure he doesn't know about the iPod. Don't let him see that you're talking to anyone about him.

BasketWeaver · 25/02/2011 00:07

I can talk to the psychiatrist, she is really good, and very insistent that dh doesn't come into the room.

Truth be told I would happily leave him tomorrow if I could but need to bide my time. I still on medication but I have them.

He hides the money in case we get burgled

OP posts:
darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:08

could you access some kind of mental health advocacy service?

you are being exploited by someone who is using your illness/disability against you.

What do you think caused your depression? Do you think it was partly him?

Were you happy before the DCs?

Are they happy?

do they have a god relationship with him?

Dont they think it's strange that their Mum doesnt come to school? Do their friends' parents not wonder what is going on?

megapixels · 25/02/2011 00:08

Yes call Women's Aid when he's at work tomorrow.

Katisha · 25/02/2011 00:08

Then maybe psych can talk to your GP?
Social Services even?
Madness that you have nothing to do with the day to day life of your children.

BasketWeaver · 25/02/2011 00:09

I don't love him. Don't think I have for a long time. I feel a lot of resentment to him.

OP posts:
SeeJaneKick · 25/02/2011 00:11

Well then you have nothing to be afraid of.

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:11

how often do you see your psychiatrist? Does your DH pay for her?

Why do you feel you cant leave now? I dont think your mental health is ever going to improve in this situation...

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:13

Is HE happy with you? Does he know you dont love him/want to leave? He could be controlling as a way of keeping you dependent on him and therefore with him.

BasketWeaver · 25/02/2011 00:14

The dc are happy I think. Despite the way things are we are very close and I know they love me and miss me. I don't think my depression was caused by him but I think he had used it to his advantage. I can feel myself getting stronger though, I can feel
My fight coming back. I know I gave to leave I really do. I just have to plan it carefully. I dont want him to realise until Im gone.

Thanks for all the input. It does help so much to have some impartial opinions.

OP posts:
megapixels · 25/02/2011 00:14

Basket if it is unusual for you to be up late do log off and go to sleep, you don't want him to get suspicious. I feel so afraid for you.

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:16

If you left do you think he'd make it difficult for you re:access to the DCs and joint financial assets.

It loks like he's setting up a scenario where he can say he's their main carer (child benefit, organising childminder, not letting you have much time alone with them, doing school runs, buying things) and can 'hide' his assets and say you have none.

I think you should see a lawyer asap.

SeeJaneKick · 25/02/2011 00:16

I don't think the OP is at any immediate risk..her DH has never hurt her...I think she needs to take hold of herself and go to te doctor or the CAB ad Women's Aid. And sort this out.

darleneconnor · 25/02/2011 00:18

I agree with megapixels, dont arouse his suspicions.

If a 4 mile round trip is what you have to walk tomorrow then you'll just have to do that.