I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

When I was a teen I stumbled across porn. It was a 'den' in some woods overlooking my school. The pics had been pinned to trees and the men obviously used the area to wank whilst keeping one eye on the school

It still makes me feel sick now

This may be nothing like the situation in your house (I really hope it isn't) BUT I wonder if your DD doesn't feel a little violated ? I did. Her feelings count, even if the situation is very different

I (as a regular lurker) don't always see where Dittany is coming from and think she sometimes uses very emotive language where it might not always be neccessary. But on this I 100% agree with her.
As I see it you have some sepearate issues to deal with.

1. You dislike porn yet your DH is using it secretly (I assume he knows your views?)- this has to be discussed 2)What the hell was he doing having a wank in a room he doesn't normally use? Odd Odd Odd 3)If he decided to have a wank in a room he doesn't normally use how did he forget to take the print outs with him? No good answer to that, actually no answer to that. Awful 4)Why is he blaming you? I'm not judging that he is using porn but his methods of using it are weird.

SS, it's ok to tell your kids exactly that - you don't know what to think or how to deal with this atm because it is such an almighty shock, just tell them that it's something that you need time to process and sort out with their dad.
Does your husband still think that he hasn't really done anything wrong, other than leaving the pictures out? The first description was bad enough so god knows what's on the other sheet.
He might well be deeply embarrassed and even ashamed but he owes you an explanation if you are to get over this.
Did you just kind of assume he didn't use porn (because there was no evidence and the issue never really arose) or did he actively lead you to believe that he didn't?

meant childrens bathroom not just room

It was a 'den' in some woods overlooking my school. The pics had been pinned to trees and the men obviously used the area to wank whilst keeping one eye on the school

Lets be realistic here, it was more likely pinned up there by a few teenage boys who were messing around.

As my DCs have become teenagers, I have learnt that it is okay for them to learn that their parents have feet of clay and sometimes disappoint eachother. We'd rather be honest with the DCs than be hypocritical. On the porn issue, we have both spoken to them about porn and since we both have strong political anti-porn views, they got a united message about it. We're realistic enough to know they are in all probability going to see porn, but they at least have some information about it; its provenance and the potential effect on users.

I write as someone whose DCs had to deal with their Dad's affair. He took full responsibility for that and has had long conversations with them both about the hurt he caused and his sorrow for it. They forgave him and I know in the process, learnt a lot about the importance of fidelity, but also forgiveness. But it would have been totally the wrong approach to minimise it so that my H didn't look too bad.

It takes a brave parent to say "I behaved badly and I'm sorry" and IMO, it does children no favours to think that their parents are faultess Gods. I don't think it helps older DCs to think their parents don't have a sex life either, incidentally, but that's perhaps another issue.

squeakytoy you keep defending porn

you are a porn apologist, yes ?

make your position clear, it would be helpful for everyone concerned on this thread

To me though, the issue here is that the Dad was irresponsible to leave the porn where he did.

But if it had been left in the bedroom, would that have made it better?

He isnt a pervert for looking at porn, nor is he a pervert for having a wank. He is irresponsible for leaving it lying around.

He should not be apologising for having a wank, but he should apologise for leaving the literature lying around.

squeakytoy - were you on the police investigation of it?

Because there was one and it wasn't teenagers

Lol.. no, I am not a "porn apologist" whatever the fuck one of those is.

I just dont view all porn as being wrong.

And considering your ID, neither should you.

Having a wank and using porn are separate issues Squeaky. Not everyone who wanks needs to use porn to do it. This issue is not about an adult's right to masturbation in private. It's about using what sounds like pretty noxious porn which is one thing and leaving it lying around, which is another.

He left it in a childs bathroom FGS and according to the OP it wasn't some soft focus shot of a woman and man in sexy undies gazing into each others eyes!
I have very conflicting views about porn I must admit - I like the idea of it but the reality of how it came about? No.
As far as I can see the OPs DH isn't apologising for anything actually. He certainly doesn't feel bad - which makes it worse IMO.

I dont know everything. But I am entitled to a view just as much as anyone else.

I find some porn to be erotic. I enjoy watching some porn with my husband. It isnt a crime.

I also do glamour photography. That isnt a crime either.

My mate is a porn star. I dont judge her.

I have friends who like porn. I dont judge them. I have friends who dont like porn, and equally I dont judge them either. What I dont do is try to tell someone they are a pervert because they like something that I dont like.

I'm not 'with dittany' nor 'with squeaky' on the whole porn issue

I personally dislike it because the porn I've seen degrades women. I have a very healthy fulfilling sex life and don't feel degraded. I feel cherished by a loving man.

If he uses porn tbh I don't care as long as I don't know about it. Mal would find this odd but it works for us.

I don't have a polarised view on men or women using it but I don't wish to be exposed to it and I would be FUCKING livid if my DC were exposed to it

Gosh, what a lot of angst going on here! I'm not in the manhater camp and I do think squeaky has one of the most reasonable viewpoints on this. The bloke was incredibly irresponsible but for heaven's sake, let them all put an end to it now or do the naysayers want to carry on goading the OP into leaving her husband and breaking up another family? Porn is going nowhere any time soon and the sooner you get a grip of that the easier your little minds will be.

Can I just say.. I am the photographer.. as I didnt make that clear.

my ID, squeakytoy ?

which is a piss take, btw

does it indicate an apologist for porn ?

elucidate me, please

Further - and no matter what rose tinted glasses you are wearing - children can and do find their own sources of porn at alarmingly young ages and they do it a lot more than you think.

oh right, you are a soft-porn photographer

ok

thanks for the explanation

it clears up your stance, for me

Peter..

Do get off your high horse dear....

Your name seems to suggest a liking for a man who was married to a soft porn model.

That is all.....

squeaky - "the issue here is that the Dad was irresponsible to leave the porn where he did".

That point of view totally ignores the feelings of the OP and her DD. You are consistently diminshing their feelings and the feelings of others on this thread.

"man-hating" - what man-hating? I think we are reading a different thread caffelatte. Perhaps you could point out the man-hating for me?