I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

Please do listen to dittany OP. He clearly does like spit roast - he left pictures of it lying around.

Do you seriously think, any of you, that teens have never been exposed to any porn?

Of course they will have.. on their peers mobile phones.. on computers at their own or friends houses...

SS, you can go Dittanys way, and create a wedge between your daughter and her dad for many years.. or you can look at it from a balanced view, and try not to let that happen.

I'm sorry PeterAndre, I meant to respond earlier but I wasn't quite sure how this territoriality thing manifests itself.

There is definitely something there though. Because why did he go into a bathroom which didn't have his shower gels, his soaps, his toothbrush, his razor etc?

And to be honest he is a bit territorial in other regards. But I don't think it's to do with the DCs. I think it's to do with me. Not sure if that's better or worse tbh

yeah i agree with rail, your daughter must come first this could have huge implications as far as her relationship with her father goes, IMO at the moment everything she thought she knew and loved about her father may have changed, there is a side to him that she never knew existed, and you and hubby need to do some damage control here,

"Do you seriously think, any of you, that teens have never been exposed to any porn?"
That is completely missing the point. The DD was not happy about it. The DH was blaming the OP.

If anyone is going to a wedge between father and daughter it is the father by his actions.

SS...you really need to think about this territory thing

I think it is completely crucial to what is happening here

in what other "regards" is he "territorial" ?

being exposed to porn on a friends laptop or from adolescent boys at school has nothing to do with finding out that your father wanks in your bathroom when you not at home, sorry but that is poles apart!

I agree with Peter too. Do you think he left the porn there for you to find, to give you a message?

Stupidity- don't take responsibility for this.
You didn't put the porn there. It could easily have been found and viewed by your DD. Think about that. That's what you stopped

he forgot it was there... god almighty, have none of you who are trying to say he was sending messages etc, ever forgotten anything?

supposing it was the teenage son who had done this?

what would you all say about it then?

I really do not think it is something that should be made into a huge deal, as that WILL cause more stress.

why are we worrying just about the dd here ?

as vulnerable as she is, there is also a 13 yo ds who uses that bathroom

sickening, really

anyway showing my ignorance what is spit roasting?

I just don't know why the OP thought it was the sort of porn her daughter would be looking at. It sounds the sort of thing a bloke would look at, not a teenage girl.

don't ask, MM

the OP described it, upthread

she saw the pictures

I found two sheets of A4, printed on both sides.

The first side contained a picture of what is most likely to be a trafficked woman giving a blowjob to what must have been a digitally enhanced bloke whilst being taken from behind.

Apparently this is spit-roasting. A term that I too learned just tonight.

I'm not even going to share what was on the other pictures. Really. Because those pictures are in my head and I don't want them there.

I can see how you could forget to put the top back on the shampoo or leave a towel on the floor, I can't imagine for the life of me how you could forget that you had left an extreme pornographic picture on the side of the bath.
If he is used to using (and more importantly hiding) porn, it's even more odd for him to leave it out - I'd be asking him what else he has hidden away, plus checking the computer for porn too. He still has an awful lot of explaining to do.

swintwolengths

I have two DCs. One a boy the other a girl. I have no clue what sort of porn might have been printed off for a giggle by one of their friends, or them of course (despite what fake security parental controls offer)

Just remember back to when you were a teenager. Did your parents know the half of it?

"I think your daughter has a clearer view of the situation than you do, and you're planning on talking her out of it."
That's a good point. Maybe you should allow your DD her feelings on it.

medicalmayhem, Stupiditysquared explained spit roasting at 16:32.

The difficulty with this now is that in trying to clear up this mess for your H, you seem to be normalising porn use to your DCs, so that they don't view their Dad as a perverted monster. If prior to today, you had only spoken to your DD about porn and have strong political views about it (which I share incidentally) then she has followed your good parental steer and is now being punished for having very strong anti-porn views. She must be very confused indeed about where you stand on this issue.

What did you say to your DS, out of interest? I hope you didn't tell him that porn use was okay?

I find it odd that you can have done so well with your DD and yet your H seemed completely unaware of your strong views. Or is it the case that he did know, but disregarded your feelings about it?

In your shoes, I would stop trying to cover up for their Dad and make your views really clear to the DCs, because at the moment I think you might be coming across as hypocritical.

Your daughter is presumably old enough to hear that you are deeply upset about her Dad's actions and that this is something you're going to need to resolve with him. It's okay to tell her that he has shocked and disappointed you, but that you think that it's something you can sort out.

Your DD has a right to be angry with both of you right now and some of this is because she has suddenly lost a lot of respect for her Dad. When this has calmed down, assuming he is going to give her the right messages about porn and not trivialise it, he should be speaking to her about it and telling her that he was wrong.

Your secondary issue is how you deal with the fact that your H uses porn and is effectively telling you to get over yourself, as it's normal. Only you can decide where you stand on that. It's his right to continue using it, just as it's your right to say that you won't put up with it. He then makes his choice, doesn't he? - porn or you.

Having read your most recent posts, I agree that he was trying to leave you a message, but that is based on what seems to be rather smoke and mirrors communication in your marriage.

Thank you all. Your post WWIFN just hit the nail on the head - because I just don't know how to reconcile my views on pornography with DH's behaviour in a way that makes sense to the DCs. How can it make sense? It doesn't even make sense to me.

I don't know about coded messages. Maybe they are there. If they are there, I don't know how to decode them.

There are several issues her and I'd separate them

1. Your view of porn use
2. DH leaving porn in a room used by DC and not by him normally
3. DC's feelings and being allowed to express those 4)Your relationship with DH following this event
4. DC relationship with DH

I think you need to be honest with your DC.

You run the risk of losing all credibility with them if you change your 'truth' to fit a situation your DH has created.

Your DH needs to sort this. Not you. Not your DC