I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

It is completely astonishing to me how many people are desperate to prove their worldiness and wisdom by pointing out that it's all the OP's fault.

Would you listen to yourselves? FGS. Think about what you're saying.

Can you try to be a little more patronising Alouiseg?

The DD is fourteen, it's been stated a half a dozen times at least.

I can't believe that there are people who think that privacy and keeping secrets is more important than honesty and integrity in a long term relationship.

Agreed Eurostar.

My divorced dad had a mag stash that I found when I was younger. It didn't freak me out too much tbh, but it was massively, massively milder than what the OP's dd has had to process. It was 70s/80s Playboy, so no penetrative sex, no men even IIRC. No open legs.

I would have flipped if I'd stumbled across evidence of him using material about spitroasted teens etc. Disturbing. Anyone who says it's not extreme: that's semantics.

Popcrackle: it's not my definition, it's the government's.

Dittany: if you google for Victorian porn you'll find that spitroasting has been photographed ever since cameras were invented, it's not something new at all. People have been looking at porn ever since cave people drew stick people fucking on the walls of their caves. I don't buy this idea that porn is a modern invention that's destroying society.

The OP really needs to get a grip, her husband wanked over a dirty picture. Even if it had been one of her kids, what did she hope to achieve by shouting at them about it?

Relate?? Family Therapy???? For having a crafty one or being untidy?

Let's face it, much of modern day pornography is derogatory, abusive and actually dehumanizes the female (think 'little whores getting their holes ripped' or slutty cumdumsters getting what they deserve') Yes, these are the blurbs used on popular pornography. I know that the OP's post involves pictorial porn but let's remember that the DD disclosed that boy's at school talked about pornography (more than likely in graphic detail.) This is a female child on the cusp of womanhood - and now she finds that her father is part of what is most probaly going to be her adult humanity. To be honest, at 14 it would freak the fuck out of me.

Alouiseg - 1)we do not all occupy your world. Porn does not figure in everyone's world. You can pretend it does if it makes you feel normal but I have not seen porn for years and years. It's not normal in my world. My sex life doesn't need it.

2)This is not the mothers fault.

3)My 14 yr old doesn not sit and ponder what porn her dather is wanking to. She is not confronted by it and if he left porn in a place where she could find it I would not take responsibility for it.

4. When I was with a partner who used porn my sex life was dire and I felt demeaned.

I love the fact that my sex life is so good. I love the fact that it is healthy, happy and does not require outside stimulation. I feel free, uninhibited and not sordid. I find erotic images a turn on but porn is not artful/erotic or a turn on or cherishing to women. I feel sexy and cherished. Porn would not give me that. I don't need to to feel cool or sexy or have great sex. So get real yourself.

The thing is, I totally get that privacy matters; it's just so sad that people don't think you can have privacy AND integrity, ever, as though that were some sort of ridiculous pipe dream.

Anyway if you behave as the OP's H has done, as I said earlier in my Yakov guise, you pretty much forfeit your "right" to privacy re your internet activities.

Why is there this PoV that just because something IS, that is how it OUGHT to be? Just because porn is the primary driver for many internet developments (streaming video etc.) doesn't mean that is how it will always be or should be. It's a very fatalistic/passive/apathetic response to life. That's not to say everyone has to be a campaigner/volunteering to change the world but neither does it mean that an individual has no power to hold a contrary view to the status quo and voice that view or to try and protect their children from the effects of that view.

It is also a PoV that holds about as much intellectual weight as saying "C'est la vie" to every choice you are presented with throughout life or even "I'll do whatever everyone else is doing".

I bet your partner has a look now and again though RailwayChild

I do not think it is the op fault at all. I think that this may be the tip of the iceburg of the husband.

He printouts for anyone to find
He lies for 6 years
He goes out instead of sorting it out with the family
He does not say sorry for upsetting his children and wife
He thinks its ok to lie to her by not telling her as she would not like it - thats totaly ignoring her and shows no respect what so ever
He is embaressed for what he did and a coward for not facing the concequence of his actions.

Surly he relises the impact this has had on his own DD? but he stil goes out?

No its not the OP fault at all - her world has just been turned upside down and it may change for ever.

I feel very sorry for SS for going through this and wish her and her children all the best for the future. The mistake was made and the hard part now is to work throut it. I can only suggest conciling for all involved.

"spitroasting has been photographed ever since cameras were invented"

Sure it has, but it was a hell of a lot harder to find these images even 20 years ago. Nowadays it's hard not to see them. You yourself seem to be saying they are not particularly a big deal.

Also, it may have been around a long time but it's not exactly a model of healthy sexual behaviour for teenagers.

Big difference between the Victorian era and now in terms of the sheer quantity of this stuff people have to take on board at a really young age. It doesn't help if it's their parents bringing it home.

Alouiseg why are you so intent on making women face up to the fact that their partners may use porn ?

it seems a bit fucked-up to me

your digs are actually rather disturbing and make me think that all is not well in your world

Oh my goodness! Why are so many people making excuses for the father. I am shocked. If my DP had left such material in our bathroom for my DD (13) to find I would have been outraged beyond belief. Call me old fashioned but a parents sexual habits, whilst not dirty, certainly should not be flaunted in the face of your children. Let children be children for as long as they can x

Because PA, the vast majority DO use porn and if people wise up to this then the clumsy situation that occurred today wouldn't happen.

SS would have picked up the printouts given mrS a dig for leaving them in the wrong place and all would have been fine, but no!!!! Because she was in denial like the vast majority of mnetters on this thread, world war 3 kicked off.

I tweeted the thread earlier to gauge a different reaction.

My favourite reply was. The man in question was a fool, he should have denied and let the kids take the blame.

And all is perfectly fine in my very real world.. My husband has an iPad, you tend not to leave them hanging around in bathrooms

Exactly RC - I am a realist and I know 100% without a doubt that my DH does not use porn, in any form, in fact he's fairly oblivious to the the kind of extreme stuff that is considered mainstream.
He genuinely is mystified why a mature, happily married man would be doing this and his opinion is that this whole issue is down to the Op's husband.

1. We have no reason to believe he left them there for a reason
2. We don't know why he's using porn
3. It wasn't him that told DD there was porn there

"he's laid claim to their ensuite" - he uses it most, probably because it's a shower...

He has to have a talk with DD because OP had a pop at DD?

He's probably embarrassed at DD finding he wanks; finding he uses porn; and because OP is being a moral arbiter.

Clearly I have a far better idea than a lot of you!!! Which is why I don't need to hang about on Relationships.

"My favourite reply was. The man in question was a fool, he should have denied and let the kids take the blame."

I can't take you at all seriously with a stupid and downright nasty jibe like that.

"In denial", do fuck off.

It is a massive social experiment to see how people will be affected by this culture of sexual exploitation and sexual degradation of women.

Yes Dittany.. of course it is... rolls eyes