I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

Printed pictures - crazy - that's why Steve "on the job" Jobs created the iPad

Really think Dittany's recent posts make a strong case for you needing to take some action in support of your dc, OP.

I sympathise massively with you, you've had a shit time of it over this. But I don't really get how you can be "not comfortable" with looking at your H's internet history behind his back; but you are comfortable with letting your daughter shoulder that knowledge alone until such time as your H sanctions you knowing it too?

He has forfeited his right to privacy by lying to you, for years, about something he knew you would be upset by, and then maintaining he has nothing to apologize for.

I also think you surely must know better than to conclude the dc are now "fine" simply because they are not crying/shouting/acting "off" or whatever. Your ds at that age would almost certainly seem normal in the way he behaved to his dad this morning even if he felt absolutely awful. They don't wear everything on their sleeves, teenage boys. The opposite usually.

Look if the DD is a whizz on a computer then it is highly likely she has seen the sites. For example, some pc's store the top sites and you can have a pictorial view of the websites.

If you are going to ask your DH's permission to see what he has been doing, then that is up to you DP. But that is you asking his permission. It is a shame he didn't think about you before he started using these sites.

Anyhow I think it is up now that your DH will be walking through the door.

Sorry I'm tired.

DP should read OP and in the last sentence I meant to write:

I think it is about now that your DH will be walking through the door.

Anyhow Yakov makes a strong point. I would want to see what he is up to. I guess it is a case of, if he has lied to you about his use of porn, and had no regard for you or his children, then what else has he lied to you about. Or what else could he lie to you about in the future?

Nurseblade and your point is?

Is the OP supposed to feel good if her DH has accessed some sort of porn that does not fall within your definition?

Or are you trying to say that you are desensitised to porn?

Funny that 'extreme' porn has got to be practically bestiality or rape, this day and age. Seems we're all rather desensitised to porn. Surely double penetration, group sex or S&M is extreme....even if not illegal.

And so many people have the view that porn is a bit of fun. Look at what it can do to families.

OP - I do think you have to know what your DD knows in order to understand the extent to which she may be affected/upset. Even if she did not click on websites and only looked at the web addresses in history, these alone will not be pretty - I think it was GreenEyes above who made the point about the graphic/explicit nature of the language used just to name porn websites. I agree with Dittany, you cannot protect your DD if you do not know what she knows. Porn websites can have all sorts of names like barelylegal / teensgowild / analthis/ - just the names alone could be giving DD a worse message/shock than she has already had - imagine if she's seen any teen related ones (not saying DH is a paedo AT ALL, just that the high number of sites with those kind of teen/barely legal names, exist even with disclaimers saying all models are of legal age etc on the actual site)

She might be feeling v vulnerable - I know at that age I would have felt very betrayed and creeped out by my dad if that is what I knew he had been looking at. Knowing that porn exists and hearing the boys at school go on about porn* is very different to knowing your Dad uses porn, and more to the point, specifically what type of porn and what sites he uses.

I don't think ringing Childline or the like for some advice on handling further conversations/helping her through this is at all bad or silly advice. You sound quite overwhelmed (understandably so) but sadly, the can of worms has been opened now and you can't go back. If DH has any sense he will join you in making that call and you will both, as her parents, help her to process all of this. Also you mentioned your DS reaction briefly but just because he is not angry/shouting does not mean his mind & emotions are not working overtime either.

Your DH needs to understand that atm yours and his priority is helping your children and you two will need to sort out where your relationship is and your own boundaries and compromises AFTER you have supported your children. In the spirit of co-operating in order to protect your children and their relationship with their father your DH should also be willing to show you the Internet History and to discuss with you questions like how this will make DD feel about her own appearance/perception of women/ her relationship with her dad - (and the same for DS although not having seen the internet history he is a little more cushioned) so you can have that conversation with your DD. Her world is pretty shattered right now.

At no point do you have to hide/soften your view that porn is wrong. If you wish to compromise on that with your DH that is your own lookout - you have more emotional maturity and resilience than a 14 yr old to decide what you choose to accept in a relationship.

*also deeply objectionable and something she shouldn't have to put up with regardless

It's the OP, though, who actually exposed her daughter to porn, by thinking it was she who'd been looking at it. Of all the people in the house who I would think wasn't looking at porn, it would be a girl that age.

She had absolutely no right to look at her father's laptop - that is outrageous. She needs to absolutely get a grip there. I would be furious at that.

I also think it's an awful idea that you should sit next to your husband and go through every single website he's viewed. If I were him, I would refuse to do it. Yes, he was crazy leaving that picture in the bathroom - that was unforgiveable, really - but it was the OP who showed the pictures to the children, not him. He needs to apologise to the children for that.

However, if the OP had had the sense to speak to him first about the pictures, none of this would be happening.

I can't believe how shocked the OP is that her husband has viewed porn. Surely everyone has a right to a private life. If his viewing had no impact on the family then I'd say that was his business. And yes, of course I know that the porn industry is seedy and that women get exploited but in this instance I'm ignoring that side of it. He's not visiting massage parlours, he's not going to prostitutes, he's not paying women to pee on him, he's just looked at a few pictures.

For all the people who think porn is "harmless"

Do you still think that, after reading this thread ?

The devastation caused in this family is real

All because of some blokes addiction to wanking off to pictures.

His daugher's view of him will never be the same/ His wife has realised he isn't the man she thought he was, but is too scared to confront the issue.

Is this what we are all supposed to accept in our lives ?

And if we don't, we are repressed, controlling, or uncool ?

So sad

What have we come to ?

But, TheyKnowEsperanto, you would have been deeply uncomfortable knowing that your parents had sex, that they had oral sex, that they masturbated and so on. ANY mention of sex and parents makes us all uncomfortable.

Addiction, Peter Andre? Who said that?

Agree 100% with TheyKnowEsperanto. (I was Yakov earlier, have just changed back to my usual nn.)

I cannot stress enough that your ds being normal with his dad this morning, and your dd/ds being cuddled up together playing computer games, is NOT evidence that this is all nothing big and won't be affecting them and will just blow over.

It is VERY yuck to be a teenage girl and know your dad has viewed porn sites. It is, I would say, actually impossible for a list of random porn site names to not include at least a few that are based on words like "teen" or "young". And it is a terrible example to your ds of what men can get away with if you just let this all blow past as normal with a few hesitant discussions about how you and your h have agreed to disagree.

I am not trying to give you a hard time at all and I'm sorry if you feel got at, I just feel quite strongly about this aspect. And it is not at all fair that it should be you getting a lecture about it, I know :(

"in this instance I'm ignoring that side of it"

OK

I think he has an addiction, swim

He has been using it in secret for years, but didn't tell his wife because he knew she would disapprove

He is so taken by his printed off pictures, he uses his children's bathroom to wank off to them, and leaves them behind to be found by teenagers

when confronted by his wife, he reacts with anger and defensiveness instead of remorse

he fucks off for most of the weekend, playing squash, rather than stay home and try and fix the family that has been blown out of the water by his own acions

does that seem like the behaviour of a man who could "take it or leave it" to you ?

The devastation was caused by the Mothers reaction to finding it, she was hysterical and blamed the kids, the kids were hysterical.

The daughter is a very naive 16 year old if she thinks people don't use porn to wank with and her Dad is not the devil incarnate because he knocked one out in a locked bathroom!

Sometimes it's better if you're a realist about certain things. The op is just another woman who would have argued that her husband isn't the type to use porn. Wakey Wakey ladies, the Internet wouldn't even be at this advanced stage if it wasn't for mens desire for pornography.

I think he has an addition too.

Not at all AtSwim - we lived in a v v small house with thin walls and creaky floorboards- I got used to hearing my parents shagging (was about 10 when I realised what that annoying noise was!) and while at first I was URGH! I then told myself that it must mean they still love each other and that had to be a good thing (friends of that age had parents divorcing) so I got a torch to read under the duvet if ever I was still awake when they got going! A good book soon made the background noise disappear (for the avoidance of doubt they weren't that noisy! From this it sounds like they having a lot more fun than they probably were! )

My parents were very open about sex but it was all in the context of relationships/love/emotional connection/free and valid consent and so even when I learnt about oral sex (from a sealed supplement in Woman magazine as I remember) I had that backdrop to process it against - well if you love someone why wouldn't you want to "kiss" every inch of them I think was my interpretation of oral sex at the time - a very different interpretation to learning about oral sex in the context of a spitroast/being paid to give oral sex/giving oral sex on camera/while being videoed or photographed.

OMG - this is getting worse and worse.

I should imagine that the OP is now confronting said DH over all of this.

The DD reacted as she did through shook (looking through her dad's laptop etc) because she doesn't want to think of him in 'that' way.

And neither would I.

SS needs to talk to her husband about lots of things. Why he 'hid' the fact that he'd printed off and looked at pron on his laptop - his excuse being he knew it would upset SS.

He left it 'by accident' in the family bathroom.

He's gone to a sports event this evening because it an easy 'out' for him and he doesn't 'get' the gravity of the situation.

Yes, SS accused her DD of printing the images out.

Mistake - hell yes. Does she regret it? Clearly.

She shouldn't of shown her DD the images.

She's asked for support and advice and yet all she's got is a shit load of grief.

She does not need to 'brush this under the carpet' but address the issues.

Al, the dd is 14, not 16

quite a big difference in my book

expecting a 14 yo to be a "realist" ?

oh dear

I think it is very difficult to be a child/teenager now, they are assaulted with graphic sexual imagery and talk. I would imagine that one would want to feel that one's father was not part of this world and here it is all shattered for the DC. Knowing that he looked at 70s type playboy pictures would make a teen feel uncomfortable I'm sure but knowing that he gets off on pictures of very young women being spit roasted and more (as she will have seen from laptop now) could be shattering - like one has lost the person who might be protecting you from this ongoing assualt that suggests that very young women should enjoy anal, group sex, spit roast, facial cum etc..or that boys should feel no romance for women and use them as objects.

I'm also confused by people going on about the right of privacy in marriage where sexual preferences are concerned. Surely it is absolutely corrosive to a marriage to not know one's partners' sexual habits and sexual preferences?

I think that the OP and her husband need to go to relate. The turst has gone from the relationship and the communication. Why is the husband needing to use porn when he has a wife that loved him?

then i would suggest family theripy as it has affected the whole family.