I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

Stupiditysquared

I hope your DH does fess up.

I was going to add that your DS may not be anymore enamoured with your DH, than your DD. He just may not be showing what he is feeling about it all, but you (ofcourse) know your children.

Personally I would want to know what my DD had seen but it is up to you. I think Dittany has raised a valid point.

I'm glad you have a RL to talk too.

Hey Dittany, that's not fair. There isn't an imbalance of power in our relationship.

Or at least until now when there appears to be an imbalance of honesty.

You need to be reassured that I love my DCs. They come first. I am worried about DD but she is cuddling up with DS playing a shooty-game on the PS3, so I think she is okay overall. Later tonight I will help her with her French homework and I so hope that the whole dramatic episode will be over.

I think your is the right approach SS, this has been an unfortunate incident but it doesn't have to mean that all boundaries have to go out the window.

Calming things down and regaining an even keel will ultimately be best for your children I think. You can sort your own issues out with your DH in private

Good luck x

SS I would check his history so that you can help your dd. What if what she's seen is run of the mill but she thinks it's hideous, or what if he's looked at barely legal? I think allowing your dd to shoulder this crap about her Dad is not very supportive, sorry.

The OP can ask her husband about that surely?

If your dd has seen what he has seen then so should you. She might need help dealing with it.

Okay, I take on board what you've said

How about if I ask DH to go through his internet history with me

I tell you that this doesn't sit well with me, firm believer in everyone having a right to privacy and all that, but I'm confident that if I ask DH to do this, he will.

Now I'm praying that my confidence isn't misplaced. If you'd asked me 48 hours ago whether my DH looked at porn, you'd have got a breezy denial.

Some of you are assuming that SS's daughter looked at the sites, she hasn't said that, she said she looked up the history to see which sites and how often. Huge difference.

'DD has seen what's on your pc, you better tell me what's on there'

I don't think it matters whether the OP looks at or not tbh, only that she said she didn't feel comfortable with it.

This is looking like badgering now tbh, and sulking if the OP doesn't agree

14 is such a young age to deal with this. At that age i was just finding out at my own sexuality, the idea that my dad had sex or looked at porn at that age would have made me sick.

This is not a young adult dealing with this but a young teenager. I would be worried that this event might effect her opioin about sex in the future. Do you think it might be apprate for your DD to talk to a councilor about this issue or have family theapy? I would not suggest this if the children were older but this is such an important time for them that it might just help?

I think you need to know if your DD clicked on the sites and to give her permission to tell you if she did. That's separate to dealing with your H, because as a Mum I would want to know if my DD had been exposed to porn and if so, the type seen.

I understand you asking your H to let you look at the history together, as long as he hasn't had the chance to delete anything beforehand. This is then asking him to be open about the sites visited, without invading his privacy secretly.

I can completely see your point throughout this, about not wanting to add your own lies and secrecy to this horrible mess. You are trying to get through this with your own dignity and values intact.

"How about if I ask DH to go through his internet history with me "

stop with the asking, if you want to look, look. If you don't think he will let you then you will have to do it without him.

Do you want to know what sites he's been on?

Because, valid a point as it may be that your DD might have seen inappropriate things when she checked his computer, I firmly believe that you should make the same choice for yourself.
If you're not happy to do that, or not ready right now, it might be more than you can cope with.

DD accessed that of her own accord. I understand why she did, but I also understand why you haven't. Think hard about it before you do actually look yourself. Think hard about how it will affect your relationship to have more images stored in your memory.

A half-way point might be to ask him to go through DD's list and tell you what kind of site it is. Then you will have an idea of the extent of his porn usage, will be able to gauge his reactions to DD and you knowing he has used each site, but still you will be protecting yourself from viewing images that you don't want to see.

Just a thought.

"If you'd asked me 48 hours ago whether my DH looked at porn, you'd have got a breezy denial"

Rather like lots of Mnetters.

I would think history or actual sites are pretty bad, they're not usually called 'sexy ladies' are they...they're called 'lesbian whores.com' or 'filthy anal' or whatever (sorry not great knowledge).

I wouldn't know personally :o

And how does that help Alouseg? A post that infers that the OP and a lot of others are deluded? Not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same. Can we stick to helping the OP please and quit the snide remarks?

Hear hear!

The government definition of extreme porn is:
Acts that threaten a person's life
Acts resulting in serious injury to genitals, anus or breasts
Acts involving sexual acts with a corpse
Acts involving sexual acts with animals

Although section 63 of the CJA is a bit ambiguous I fail to see how Dittany can think spitroasting is extreme porn. Possession of extreme porn can land someone in prison so it's pretty ridiculous to use that term in this instance.

All said and done i feel sorry for the OP and her kids, because at the end of the day their perception, trust,confidence, and reliability of her DH has been shaken, yeah yeah i know we are all suppose to love porn and its suppose to be so run of the mill that everyone is always wanking away, but in reality it is still a hidden, frowned upon, secretive, denied topic in most families, i personally have never met a family member, co worker, or shop assistant that openly talks about what is the best bit of porn to masturbate with, this family has alot of ground work to do to get back to normal, everyone just being nice to each other and trying not to look each other in the eye for a day or two isn't going to repair the damage, whether the DH likes it or not it will be years IMO, b4 the daughter can openly laugh about the incident at a family get together.