I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

there is time afterwards for the parents to talk privately about why he feels the need to have an interest in porn that he didnt feel able to tell his wife about.. but the priority at the moment is sorting out the daughter who is in meltdown

OP, is your husband working ?

Why is he out such a lot ?

Is he avoiding a conversation with you about this ?

Dh works, as do I

He is out at a squash tournament today, and went out with squash players on Friday. Nothing sinister, the events had been in the calendar for ages.

Obviously we hadn't diarised the finding of the porn or its impact on us.

I am taking refuge in cooking. It is very therapeutic. I have cooked a number of unnecessary things today.

hopefully not toad in the hole..

SS, it will sort itself out, this is the worst bit but it will all calm down eventually

SqueakyToy We do not know what porn the daughter has seen, it might actually be correct to call her father a pervert and it might be a perfectly reasonable bit of advice that she is giving her mother about getting a divorce based on what she has seen.

We don't know.

Anyway OP please get some support around you.

Pop, are you saying that a grown woman, such as the OP, should be taking advice from her 14yr old daughter?????

Stupiditysquared sounds like cooking is helping. That's great. Do you have any close friends you can call on too?

So a squash tournament is more important than his family being in complete turmoil?
Well, he's got his priorities sorted then

He either doesn't get it or he doesn't care and I'm not quite sure which is actually worse.

Thank you LadyintheRadiator, too true.

Fine. I will leave you all to it then.

SS, I hope you manage to get it all sorted.

I have raised 3 kids to be well adjusted adults who dont think I am a pervert because me and their dad do not object to porn, and we have had various tragedies and major problems in life that we have dealt with and overcome without our lives being wrecked.

But clearly I know nothing...

SS I'm sorry you are having such a shit weekend :( (Though I wish I was as productive as you when stressed!!.)

The thing is, everything seemed relatively normal this morning. DD was cool with DH but DS was fine. I knew that DH and I had issues to sort out, but that seemed okay really. It all seems to have blown up again since this laptop thing.

DD is super-clever with this sort of stuff. We do have parental controls on their laptops, but she just can do everything. Link to the wireless printer? No problem. Sort out downloading pictures from the camera? No problem. Get the wifi sorted? No problem. We all just rely on her for this stuff. Dunno how she got past DH's passwords, but she just is a whizz.

In fairness to DH he didn't know we were all emotionally messed up when he set off for said squash tournament. We thought the DCs were settled.

Squeaky your posts are to help the OP, you don't need anyone else's approval. SS is reading all of the posts, don't let it become a one sided thread.

I understand your daughter is very upset, with good reason, and your DH clearly has a lot to apologise for.

However, teenagers often have melodramatic tendencies (as I'm sure we all remember) and I think it's time to put an end to this. I'm not minimising what's happened but it sounds like your daughter might need to rein herself in a bit here. Checking up on his internet use, changing passwords etc is not something she should be doing (especially if there's more porn on there!).

Your DH should apologise unreservedly because what happened was unacceptable.

But I think your daughter needs you to take control here and assure her that you most certainly DO NOT require her protection. I'm sure the sentiment is appreciated but I would not be comfortable with the implication there.

Following the apology, your partner's porn use is an issue for you and him to resolve. You and your husband's sex life is not your daughter's business - unfortunately it became so in this instance, but all your husband can do is apologise for that and work hard to make it up to her.

That's how I would feel, anyway. I'm glad to hear that you're daughter is disgusted by the porn and isn't accepting it as some sort of norm. I hope that, whatever happens, you resolve this quickly so that you can all get back to normal x

I would be very careful about giving your daughter a say in how your marriage goes forward. She is a child and shouldn't be involved in this other than your husband apologising to her for what she has seen.

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast Sun 20-Feb-11 17:12:08
POP/HatethePILS there are plenty of parents who view porn - it has nothing to do with their children. Nothing at all. (It is unfortunate that SS waded in without thinking, but hey - who hasn't done that!). She is 16, she is well aware that her parents are separate sexual beings to herself. She might not like knowing her Dad views porn, but it's hardly the end of life as we know it. Phone a childrens charity for advice? Oh you make me laugh.

A sixteen year old who possibly, seems to have, has very dim view of porn has just discovered her father goes through a pattern of behaviour to enable the use of porn, he lies to his wife, prints stuff out and uses the family bathroom. She also seems heartbroken, I would assume a children's charity may have some very balanced way of dealing with this.....just like they would if a parent announced they were gay, having an affiar or whatever. I don't really see what is wrong in suggesting advice, especially as shown by this thread that the Op's view of porn is not the only 'normal range' view. And she may find that help can convince her dd that her father is not a perverse monster.

No, how we go forward will be for DH and I to discuss. DD should not have a say in that issue. Brilliant though she is. No, Dittany, I'm not going to check DH's internet history. It's not something I feel comfortable with. We'll talk tonight and maybe he will tell me. I hope so.

As for RL support, Pop, you've raised that issue a couple of times and you are right. The problem is that if I tell anyone, they become privy to something that maybe they would rather not know about. But despite that, I have told one RL friend (the oldest and closest) and I'll talk with her again tonight.

You know what, I bet the OP's DH didn't get half as much of a thrill from the porn pics, as some posters seem to have got from this thread

You know what, I bet the OP's DH didn't get half as much of a thrill from the porn pics, as some posters seem to have got from this thread

Feck I knew that had posted but I still clicked again anyway