I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

This is just escalating and getting ridiculous from what was probably a simple mistake on the H part.

OP and her H need a rational discussion and if necessary accept that they have differing views, neither is wrong.

They need to agree how or what they tell their DC between them.

The DD needs clear and firm boundaries that it is not her place or position to be cracking passwords and policing her F.

I'd be bloody furious if my husband or children were monitoring my Internet use!

Imagine if it was the husband checking up on the wife?
.

Dittany I think there might be other reasons for the DD looking at the laptop, other than protecting herself because her Mum won't. Like I said, it's a perfectly normal reaction to go into "fact-finding" mode after having such a shock. I think the best approach is for the OP to take her DD's wishes into account and talk to her.

It might even be the case that the DD wants her dad to know she's been on his laptop. She sounds like a wonderfully strong character actually and the OP should be proud.

She might not even know herself why she was doing this, just that she felt a compulsion to do so. Some of it might have been protectiveness towards her less IT-savvy Mum and perhaps she felt that by turning detective, she was doing something of practical help.

It is not a "massive sexual betrayal"

Lying about being gay and going out for sex with other men is a "massive sexual betrayal"

Looking at legal adult porn is not.

It depends on your family. Like I say in my family I would not care if someone looked at my search history as what would I have to hide?

Many families must have only one computer.

Why should the OP NOT KNOW that her DH is accessing porn.

If he leaves pictures around, he surely is signalling that he does not really care who sees his porn habit.

I'd be bloody furious if my DH was betraying me and my daughter. What kind of msg is the DH sending his daughter by using porn?

To clarify - we all have our own computers. DD has her own. She went and found DH's laptop, sailed past the security, and checked his internet history. It seems he has been checking a number of porn sites daily.

I am ashamed that DD has discovered this, and worried on her behalf. She is convinced that he is a complete pervert and has just had a conversation with me that started with 'Please divorce him'.

Gut-wrenching stuff. Sorry.

If he leaves pictures around, he surely is signalling that he does not really care who sees his porn habit

But he didnt purposely leave it lying around. Did he?

Oh she is a wonderfully strong character, and I'm hugely proud of her. Thanks WWIFN

WWIFN - that's what I said upthread about the DD looking to see what else her dad had been up to.

A knee jerk reaction surely.

However, I'm a bit ed that SS's DD knew how to bypass DH's security (password) at the age of 14.

Especially given there is more porn on his laptop.

Technical whizz.

God you poor woman. This is turning out to be the weekend from hell for you .

What does your DD want her Dad to know about her using his laptop? As the Mum of a 13-year old DD, I well understand the high drama of the "divorce him" comment, by the way. But this is her shock, confusion and hurt speaking too. Try to see it in these terms. Poor kid doesn't really know what she wants, except for her to get her image of her Dad back untarnished.

"Dittany, nobody has the right to look at that laptop. Wife or daughter. It is personal private property" - Utter, utter rubbish - I have my own laptop and DH has his, if either us want to go on the other that's fine, we have no secrets and when it comes to protecting your children, nothing should ever be off limits.

No way on earth should Op simply accept his secret little habit, when something your partner does is offensive, distressing and against everything you believe in, how can you seperate the person from their actions?
It will colour her sexual feelings towards him if he maintains his right to do as he pleases because he knows (and doesn't care) how she feels, secrets and selfish behaviour have no place in happy and healthy relationships, not unless both partners agree to a don't ask/don't tell style.
He wouldn't be compromising anything at all, she would have to compromise on everything she believes in - not a very fair or equal partnership then, is it?

SS, I think you and your husband have to show a united front here. You both have to sit down with your daughter and explain that porn is something that SOME adults find interesting as part of their sex life. He has to apologise for leaving what he did, where he did. But I dont think he should apologise for looking at something which is legal for an adult to see.

I dont think it is normal for a 14yr old to be completely unaware that porn exists. At that age, all of my peers and myself knew about it.. and I would have thought that with the internet, kids these days would have far more knowledge of it than back in my day.

Maybe she needs to talk to her closest friends, and get their views on it too.

She needs to be reassured that her dad is not a pervert and that while you dont really like porn, it isnt wrong for him to like it, and that there are varying degrees of porn, and that her dad is only looking at the sort of porn which is legal and he is not breaking any laws.

Chipping you think:

"He hasn't lied to her, he just hasn't rubbed her nose in something he knows she doesn't like - that he is entitled to enjoy."

He's entitled to enjoy the degredation of women? And don't try saying that pictures of a woman being 'spit roasted' aren't degrading to her and every other woman alive please.

And can everyone leave Dittany alone please a lot of people have objections to porn especially this sort of porn (rather than 'softer' stuff), why pick on Dittany?

SqueakyToy

So you want to believe he is just careless?

Careless leaving a picture around.

Careless not securing his laptop.

I'm going to assume that the 14 year DD is not at the ability level of Chloe from 24 so the DH has been just as careless with his PC, not using a secure password?

TheDH is careless, it looks to me like he couldn't care less about his wife and daughter. He does not seem to respect them, he seems to care more about his porn habit.

Squeakytoy - if the OP believes it's a massive sexual betrayal, then it is.

It would be for me, I wouldn't know my husband at all after such a revelation and my DH would be saying that his sexual habits were more important than my feelings and our marriage, that's what it would mean to me - you can't then turn around and say that it's not.

Your opinions, my opinions, they don't matter - hers do.

And FGS Squeaky Toy now is not the time for the parents to show a united front and to promote the porn industry as a legal vehicle for the Dad to their 14 year old daughter. Wow that approach would be really empowering for the OP and her daughter wouldn't it?

FGS! Your last post is unbelievable, you really do believe the hype don't you.

Anyway OP I hope you can get some support this evening.

And FGS Squeaky Toy now is not the time for the parents to show a united front

when you have a distraught 14yr old who is demanding her parents get divorced, and calling her dad a pervert, then YES it is the time to work together to reassure her that she is blowing things out of proportion.

or maybe you think the Op should kick out her husband on the daughters say so?