I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

SS - I think you need to stop viewing this as your children being 'fucked up' by this incident. Your DD is upset and confused.

You can handle this, with kind parental guidance along the lines suggested by WWIFN.

I said earlier in the thread that I find your DH at total fault in this. But you two now have the joint task of deciding how to handle the porn issue, which I guess all parents of teens must give some thought to.

Don't beat yourself up. Take care.

There is another poster here who uses that name, you may want to ask mnhq they take it out anyway if you've given the wrong name regardless.

Ah, I love that poem but it goes back to what I was saying about all parents having feet of clay.

I've been thinking about what you say to your H about your DD's use of his laptop. How does she feel about him knowing she went on it? I think first of all, it is important to establish whether she wants you to be honest or whether she'd rather he didn't know that.

I really understand why you don't want to add your own lies to this horrible situation, but if your DD understands that although you understand why she did it, it's not to be repeated, there is an opportunity to restore your H's privacy and help your DD too.

If your DD is comfortable with her Dad knowing she did this, it is vital that he understands like you, why she did it. At that point he should sit down with her and say he understands and why, but that just as she needs her privacy, so do the adults in the house. If however, she would rather her Dad not know what she's been doing, then you either explain to her that you're not comfortable with telling a lie but that her Dad does need to know his privacy has been breached. She might suggest that you say it was you snooping - only you can decide whether you'll take that fall for her.

It sounds to me that in his embarrassment, he is escaping talking to anyone very much at the moment and that you have been left with the fall-out of his behaviour. He needs to be the grown-up here and sit down with the DCs and explain. You've apologised yourself to death about your initial reaction; now it's his turn.

If your daughter was so disgusted with what her father did why did she go looking for more porn/evidence of porn use?

Fab - I don't think she went looking for more porn.

I think she wanted to see what else her dad had been looking at maybe?

She's angry and confused no doubt.

Knee jerk reaction to what has happened?

POP/HatethePILS there are plenty of parents who view porn - it has nothing to do with their children. Nothing at all. (It is unfortunate that SS waded in without thinking, but hey - who hasn't done that!). She is 16, she is well aware that her parents are separate sexual beings to herself. She might not like knowing her Dad views porn, but it's hardly the end of life as we know it. Phone a childrens charity for advice? Oh you make me laugh.

Mal having all this in her head all what exactly? The fact that her Dad views porn? He looks at adult, legal porn. It is not child rape or beastiality - she didn't even see the pictures.

Finding Bloody hell, he is a grown man viewing porn it is hardly 'News of the week' what basis do you have to say he's addicted???

Dittany so parents shouldn't view porn for 20 odd years while their children live at home. You really do need a reality check.

WWIFN - I haven't said she needs to get over it or that it's unimportant, but I have said her husband is just as entitled to his opinion as she is to hers. They need to talk. These discussions are between them and do not involve their teenagers. Once he has apologised for leaving the pictures in the bathroom and for shouting - then it is the end of their DD's involvement in this personal choice. Her father is under no illusion that she disapproves.

The only thing he has done wrong is to accidentally leave the pictures in the family bathroom!!! That is ALL he needs to apologise for

Some of you are blowing this way out of proportion and in my opinion that is not helping the OP.

SS You can be the one to sort this out for/with DD. All you have to say is that you are sorry you blamed her, you realise she shares your views on porn but that her Dad clearly doesn't. That you are angry with him for leaving the pictures in the bathroom, but that you and he will work through this together and although you are angry with him right now, you & he will sort it out. That although you and she don't agree with porn lots of people do enjoy viewing it and it does not make him a perverted monster. Ask her what she wants/needs to do, to sort her feelings out. He's still her Dad, the same Dad she's had all her life, watching porn does not change that.

Only you and DH can decided 'where to' now - but I think you do need to bear in mind that before you found those pictures yesterday you were (presumably) happy with your life - nothing has changed, except that you know he occasionally views porn. Legal, adult porn. I know it has been a shock to you and that you are hurt, angry and confused - but I think you may need to take a step away from the laptop and process this for yourself without being swayed by the various posts.

It's going to be hard, but you will sort it all out x

Excellent post chipping. :)

100% agree with Chippingin.

Seriously Dittany, you ruin feminism for the rest of us with your hysterical overreactions and hijacking of other people's situations for your own axe grinding. Don't you have a life to live?

Once again I agree with Chipping.

Good point Dizietsma.

Dittany isn't the only one to be disturbed by what has happened here.

Since she hasn't posted on the thread for some time, the personal remarks are not appropriate

The OP is taking all opinions on board, that is clear, perhaps all contributors could afford others the same respect ?

Well I would hazard a guess that many parents do not want pornography in their home. And ofcourse not very child who views pornography will necessarily be affected or traumatised but that does not make it right - does it?

It is important to consider the many ways that pornography can potentially harm our children and harm relationships.

And by the way her Chippingin Op's DD is 14 not 16. Her DS is 13.

The OP has said her daughter is not 16 - she's 14. And Chipping I think that the tone of your post, with its "oh you make me laugh" and "men watching porn, it's hardly news of the week" references is serving to minimise the OP's declared feelings about porn. She's entitled to her views, not to have them trivialised by posters.

Her H is entitled to do what he wants and to have his opinions, but you seem to be minimising or avoiding the fact that his actions and views have been secret. You might not react strongly to hearing that your partner has a secret porn habit, but this has shocked the OP.

Have a think about something you do feel strongly about; something that you assumed your partner was on the same page as you. Since this is a political issue, the best analogy I can find is for you to imagine that having thought that your H was a card-carrying libertarian, you find out that in fact he has been downloading material from a racist, right-wing party.

Don't under-estimate how people behave when they get a shock like this. It shatters assumptions and beliefs about someone you love - and this applies as much to the DD as the OP.

PAFM - are you feeling left out - sorry :(

Dittany was posting just over an hour ago - get a grip.

Pot kettle much?

These doesn't have to be polarised into either porn is normal or porn is bad.

It seems as if we started with the porn lovers insisting that everyone other than the DH was at at fault and the porn haters insisting that DH did it deliberately and therefore it is sexual abuse.

There is middle ground.

However it is up to the OP to decide on the truth in her situation and pick over the ideas thrown up. I have no axe to grind with porn. I do think children have the right to not know about it if they choose. I also think partners and spouses have the right to hold their view on it and no force that view onto the other......which hasn't happened here.

The DH has forced the issue. Not the OP.

She now has to reconcile her views and I don't think this means rolling over and not having views. It means accepting that the view her DH has allowed to her to believe is his..... is actually a lie

The DH is a careless twat. That is the best we can say

This

My grip is got, thanks, chip

But spread the flippant comments around, yes, by all means

I would rather that than a single poster be taking all the flak

I hate the way these threads always turn into arguments and bad feeling. I am sure the OP isn't gleaning any support from that.

read the first post OP

OP since you are going to discuss this with your DH then I thought the first post of the link might be helpful.

It was posted to another thread by someone and I found it powerful. It made sense to me.

WWIFN - yes SS has said her daughter is 14, not 16, she hadn't posted that when I was typing my post. I thought she had indicated earlier that her DD was 2/3 years older than her DS, clearly I misunderstood something she said.

SS I apologise for continually calling you Livid today - I think I am livid at some posters and you and your DD are livid with your DH and it keeps sneaking out!

OP if you are going to confront him then I think you need some support. Do you have support to call upon?

I think dittany has a point?

Shield your DD by looking yourself and using that knowledge. If you're scared of his response to that.........why do you think it's fair to let your DD take that response or do you feel she is protected ?

Dittany, nobody has the right to look at that laptop. Wife or daughter. It is personal private property.

The wife has every right to ask, but she certainly shouldnt go looking.

If it was a family computer, then a completely different situation, and the wife should be checking it.

And yes, he shouldnt have left anything lying around where anyone could find it.. ..