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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found some porn in my bathroom

1002 replies

Stupiditysquared · 19/02/2011 12:58

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

OP posts:
HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:09

Talking of porn, all of you that have an iPhone if you search in apps under G...so type G into your search on apps does it come up with GayNetwork?

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:10

plastic...doesn't the fact that he offended his wife and children with pornographic images, found in family bathroom, mean he should apologise?

emmyloopsyloo · 20/02/2011 16:13

Htp I'm on my phone now. No it dosent.

plasticgeordieman · 20/02/2011 16:13

He already said he would apologise for leaving the material in the bathroom but he refused to aplogise for viewing it! That is his perrogative imo....

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:20

Emmy...thanks, two came up Gri something about Gay men,bi, curious and Gay Network.....DH's phone...

yippee!!

sorry for hijack.

Scrumpet · 20/02/2011 16:21

Grindr - it's an app to help you locate gay men in your vicinity for a quick shag, I believe. Urk.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 20/02/2011 16:23

More words of wisdom from WWIFN, for which many thanks

I thought I was okay and done, a feeling that you sensed. I knew there were a number of issues still to be resolved, but I thought I knew the score and knew what had to be resolved.

Until DD went through his laptop, which worried me tremendously. It's not the scale of the issue that is worrying me. It's her, the fact that this has clearly disturbed her.

OP posts:
ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 20/02/2011 16:24

Livids children are 'teenagers', her DD is what 16? An age where the majority of posters on here were sexually active. She knows the boys at school use porn and had likely seen enough of it at school - she is not some 5 year old whose Dad has been giving Playboy magazines to, to keep her quiet Hmm I think some perspective is required.

Squeaky your posts are very clear and well laid out, they represent how a lot of us feel. However, some people have an agenda and are like dogs with bones. Anyone who doesn't agree with them is wrong Hmm

Mal - his compromise has been not to ask Livid to watch porn with him, to not leave it lying around for her to see, to not leave it on the computer where she would see it. He has been making a lot of compromises - what you mean is that he hasn't just done as she wished and never viewed it. He hasn't lied to her, he just hasn't rubbed her nose in something he knows she doesn't like - that he is entitled to enjoy.

Emmy etc - yes I do blame the DD for looking at her Dad's laptop, that is his personal space - just because she doesn't like the fact that he has been viewing porn does not give her the right to invade his privacy and trawl through his laptop.

POP - you might be happy for your children to trawl through your laptop history, I would be livid at anyone trawling through mine. It is private and not for other peoples scrutiny. As for her DD has helped her to get to the truth of the situation - no she hasn't. Livid's DH has admitted to viewing porn for 5/6 years - his daughter has achieved nothing except invading his privacy.

Dittany - Livid's DD does not need protecting - her Dad looked at some porn - which is none of her business and she wouldn't have even known about if her Mum hadn't told her. You are making it sound like he's been out raping young girls.

Mass hysteria over a couple of pictures.

GreenEyesandHam · 20/02/2011 16:28

Whether you personally believe it or not...I think the best thing you can do for your daughter now is reassure her that;

many people view porn, it doesn't make them monsters

you are cross with her dad for leaving it on view but not cross with him for using it. You and he are fine

she is not to snoop anymore, he is her father and it is not acceptable

Then thrash out whatever you have to with your husband privately.

I really think that is the kindest way to do it

Xales · 20/02/2011 16:29

Nice post chipping I was trying to word that.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 16:30

Thankyou Chipping. And I agree with all your post too. Put much better than I have been able to as well. :)

Tolalola · 20/02/2011 16:31

Phew. Just read the whole thread, and really feel for you, OP.

I totally agree with those who have said

  1. Definitely do not temper your opinions of porn to spare your DCs feelings about your DH. Stand by your beliefs. He can put his own point of view across.

2)STOP thinking that you have been the stupid one!! Tbh, I find your DH's attempt to transfer his blame to you one of the most depressing parts of the whole situation. Whatever you do, don't accept any of the responsibility for this, and tell him that this situation is in no way your fault. HE was the one who left it lying about, and he should be unbelievably thankful that you found it before the DCs did.

  1. Your DD sounds really devastated. You might need to think of some counselling for her to help her process this. Knowing about porn as a teenager, or even having viewed it, is a completely different thing to knowing that your own father is using it in a communal space in your house.

You're obviously set for some pretty heavy talks. Hope you all manage to work this out.

worraliberty · 20/02/2011 16:31

I agree with every word of that Chippinin. Well said Smile

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:33

Tolalola great post.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2011 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:37

You need to report yours too, WhenwillI

ChippingInFanciesCheeseOnToast · 20/02/2011 16:37

NO it was a mistype that's all, sorry. I meant SS.

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 20/02/2011 16:38

No, I've not been outed. I just think Chipping was confusing me with another poster. DD is 14, DS is 13. Both great and fairly well-balanced children. Until now:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

OP posts:
popcrackle · 20/02/2011 16:40

SS when are you due to speak to you DH?

Original poster
Stupiditysquared · 20/02/2011 16:41

He's coming back at around 8pm. I am not looking forward to it.

OP posts:
piratecat · 20/02/2011 16:42

ss, you need to get stronger for your self and your kids. Your self worth seems very low, and he is one hell of a ignorant man to be making you worried about what he has done.

piratecat · 20/02/2011 16:43

i feel for you, totally do. I find it upsetting to think you don't have him on your side, or something.

popcrackle · 20/02/2011 16:43

I'm sure you are not looking forward to it. Is there a close family member or friend that can help you this afternoon?

emmyloopsyloo · 20/02/2011 16:45

Nice one chipping. Not Hmm. Plus whoever told her. Reported it.

GreenEyesandHam · 20/02/2011 16:46

It was a typo Hmm no one was outed

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