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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I found some porn in my bathroom

1002 replies

Stupiditysquared · 19/02/2011 12:58

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

OP posts:
worraliberty · 20/02/2011 15:55

There is no compromise here at all.

The OP hates porn and her husband likes it. They're two grown adults. Neither should dictate to each other in this instance.

He should be allowed to watch it in privacy and she should be allowed to go about her life without it.

It's quite simple really.

popcrackle · 20/02/2011 15:56

Your DD has helped you get to the truth of situation. I take it your DH has not been honest about his porn habit.

As a case in point, I really would not mind my family going through my PC, we swap Pc's all the time. Why would I have anything to hide from my daughter?

emmyloopsyloo · 20/02/2011 15:56

I give it until... The end of half term.

dittany · 20/02/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 20/02/2011 15:57

Well I'd be furious if my children went through my computer. It is an invasion of privacy. I make sure their computers have child safe filters on them. Mine do not!

popcrackle · 20/02/2011 15:58

Worraliberty it is ludicrous to suggest that the OP can go about her usual life while her DH watches porn. As well as herself, she has a daughter to think of here. She is not a walk over.

Nothing simple about it.

plasticgeordieman · 20/02/2011 15:58

ouch sore fingers Grin

Malificence · 20/02/2011 15:59

Your poor bloody daughter, having all this inside her head. He's got such a lot to answer for. Sad

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 15:59

SS....I'm sure your dd did what she thought was best. I would think it's a huge disappointment to her and she probably feels as conned as you do. Learning our parents relationship is separate to 'our' relationship to them is hard enough but to learn that her father is a separate sexual being from you must be very very hard to deal with. He needs to talk to her.

Don't let him deflect any of this on you, you've not looked at porn or even snooped to find his....he left it lying around.

Stupiditysquared · 20/02/2011 15:59

Oh Dittany :(

I do believe in openness and honesty, and I am going to have to tell him. You might think that this is ridiculous given his lack of openness and honesty on this issue, but I have to be true to me.

DD comes first btw. As a parent, you'll understand that. He will have to appreciate that his actions caused her to do this, and he will not be allowed any recriminations against her. I promise.

God knows where I go from here

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 16:00

Oh and SqueakyToy you just believe what you want about your friends and their choice. It is probably easier for you to believe that they made an informed choice than for you to be a true friend and actually help them get out of the porn industry

I think I know my friends a lot better than you do actually.

Why do they want to get out of something that earns them vast amounts of money for doing something that they want to do and genuinely enjoy doing?

Is it so difficult to comprehend that not everyone is forced into the industry, and that for some people it is what they want to do. That is their choice. Why should I, or anyone else, tell them they should not do it.

dittany · 20/02/2011 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

findingthepath · 20/02/2011 16:01

You need to set up a boundry with your DD.

The porn issue is with you and your husband not her and she needs to stay out of your married and she needs to know this.

Stupiditysquared · 20/02/2011 16:02

But what sort of action do you think I should take, Dittany? What do you think that I should do that I am not doing?

OP posts:
dittany · 20/02/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouseface · 20/02/2011 16:02

SS - Have you talked to DD about how she's feeling about it all?

She knows looking at DH's surfing history is wrong but I can see why she did it.

I'm guessing she's really upset that her dad uses porn.

How are you?

findingthepath · 20/02/2011 16:04

Also i think your husbamd has an addition that he needs help with and i think leaving it on show is a shout for help as he knows this can't carry on anymore.

You need to have a long talk with him in private Sad

dittany · 20/02/2011 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:05

SS Have you considered phoning a children's charity for some incite and help or are you confident that you can deal with this alone?

dittany · 20/02/2011 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 16:06

agree with dittany about not dobbing in your dd. It won't help anything except your dh to deflect this onto your dd and not deal with his own actions.

emmyloopsyloo · 20/02/2011 16:07

The porn issue does involve the dd as she has been dragged into it.

It's the dd I feel sorry for here. She's carrying the can for the adults actions. Talk to her about why she did what she did. Why go running to your husband? You accused her only yesterday over him?

Do you see why she may have issues now. Why I said what I did yesterday. She feels she comes second best behind your husbands needs. This is what you are teaching her, no wonder she is angry at both of you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2011 16:07

I'm trying to get some sense from you OP about whether you still want some help. I'll presume that as you're updating, you do.

No your DD needs to stop looking through the laptop, but I absolutely understand why she did so. She is behaving like a lot of people do when they have suffered a betrayal and shattered assumptions about a loved one.

There is an urgent need to "make sense" of it and find the scale of the problem. This sort of "fact-finding" activity is a way of filling in the gaps and is common after a relationship shock of any kind. I'm more surprised that it wasn't you doing this instead however, but you haven't had much time since.

You need some calm time to discuss all this with your H and assess what this means. You're currently trying to fill in the gaps about your many unanswered questions and only he can answer those - and only you can decide whether you feel he's telling you the truth.

To all those posters defending porn and people's choice to either use it or work in the industry, the "choice" defence is utterly spurious. If users really think this is a defensible choice, then do it openly and not in secret - and have the balls to live with the consequences of that choice. Don't piss about with your partners' choices by keeping secrets.

And people who make an active (rather than a co-erced) choice to work in the porn industry need to consider how their choices harm women and the cause of equality generally. Not every "choice" is defensible politically and to see these kind of "choices" dressed up as some form of empowerment or evidence of liberation is nauseous.

Most of all though, have some bloody humanity for the OP. She is saying that she hates porn and has strong political views about it. Writing post after post telling her either directly or obliquely that she she is making a fuss over nothing and needs to get over herself, is arrogant and unhelpful.

plasticgeordieman · 20/02/2011 16:07

I think you have to ask yourself who's the adult and who's the child in this scenario! If your husband thinks he has done no harm in viewing this porn then IMO he doesn't need to give an apology!

popcrackle · 20/02/2011 16:08

SS Dittany's last point is so valid. You need to think this through. You don't need to bring your daughter into the discussion you have with your husband. Why can't you just try talk to your husband without bringing in your daughter.

SqueakyToy I would suggest your don't believe the hype. The Porn Industry likes people like you to believe all the rubbish that is spouts to make itself more palatable and to sell more. The Porn Industry sells women (in the main obviously there are some men involved). Anyhow let's not hijack the thread. The OP has a real life issue on her hands.

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