I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

dittany who are you calling an idiot?

you still going on and on Dittany..

Apparently he also thinks it's your job to cover up for his sexual dysfunction

OP, I'm appalled at your husband. He gets off on women being sexually abused in hideous ways, leaves the evidence around for his children and you to find and then has no remorse about what he has done

You have issues that I think you should address, rather than projecting it onto the Op.

Looking at legal adult porn is not sexual dysfunction. Nor is a consenting adult having sex with two men considered sexual abuse.

That may be YOUR opinion, but it is not fact, and it isnt true either.

Some women are into bondage. I am not, but I dont think that women who do enjoy it are being abused, it is their choice to participate. Everyone has different sexual preferences. Not every couple will share the same preferences and are therefore able to compromise.

Some people are into swinging, again, that doesnt turn me on, but some couples enjoy it.

It doesnt make them depraved.

Some women get turned on by lesbian porn, that doesnt even make them lesbians either.

What one person finds erotic is their choice. The husband finds group sex photos a turn on, his wife presumably does not. He doesnt go off to participate in the real thing, and therefore cheat on his wife, or try to force a threesome on his wife. He does what any sensible and faithful bloke would do in the circumstances, looks at a picture, tends to his urges, and thats that. No need for his wife to know about it and he hasnt put her at risk from disease either.

He made a big mistake in forgetting the photo and leaving it where it could have been found by anyone. That is the only thing he did wrong here.

He isnt a pervert, he isnt depraved, he isnt breaking any laws, and he isnt looking at anything illegal.

It isnt child porn, it is legal adult porn.

The porn industry is never going to go away. It does need better regulation, and nobody should ever be forced into it. But there is absolutely nothing wrong in a man or a woman choosing to participate in porn if that is what they want to do.

By all means Dittany, campaign to your hearts content about womens rights, but consider that women have the right to work in the porn industry too. Direct your concerns towards the ones that are forced into it, but do not assume that is everyone.

Funny that because I thought we were all posting on an adult chatboard not cbeebies

Totally agree with squeaky

According to SqueakyToy Women have the right to work in the porn industry too. It is a choice? There is nothing wrong with that choice?

Get real, grow up, educate yourself.

plastic - as a newbie, perhaps you should take a quick look at Mumsnet 'Talk Guidelines'

Are you telling me to grow up there Pop?

I have friends who work in the porn industry. They are intelligent articulate and educated women who have chosen to do it. They have not been forced into doing anything that they dont want to do.

I am not saying that ALL women chose to be in it. They certainly dont, and that is the section of the industry which should be stamped on and stopped.

or perhaps I should just think that we are all adults and don't need to resort to button pushing!

Hey all. I truly value your responses, and you've all offered me insights that've helped. Would be truly grateful if this thread didn't descend into general grumpiness though :)

Mouseface, you asked

Why did he print the porn out, when he's never done so before, knowing you'd find it offensive?

I have no idea. I didn't know he used porn. Worryingly DD, who is a bit of an ITwhizz, trawled through his history and produced a list of dodgy sites. I've thanked her for the information but asked her not to do that again. Everyone should be entitled to some privacy. DH is out right now, but I plan to ask him about the extent of his porn use. Which seems to be much more of a habit than I had realised. Naive, eh?

Why (oh why) did he use the family/the bathroom that DD uses? I just can't buy his response.

I don't know the answer to that. I really don't.

Why did he leave it there? Was he caught out? Did someone return home?

He just forgot it. He is quite forgetful generally. And that rings true for me.

How is DD today?

Not good, I don't think. As soon as DH went out she grabbed his laptop, easily circumvented all his passwords and stuff, and trawled his history. This is not a healthy thing for her to be doing.

Dittany, my post was deleted but I don't withdraw the offer of a hot beverage. I will even throw in a dash of Baileys and some chocolate chip shortbread

That wasn't why I 'excused' myself from the thread Dittany. It was because you seemed to be turning it into a porn v anti porn thread and I don't think that's very helpful to the OP.

SS.. you should not be allowing your daughter to go through your husbands laptop.

Apart from anything that is an invasion of his privacy. A gross invasion that his daughter has no bloody right to do.

As soon as DH went out she grabbed his laptop, easily circumvented all his passwords and stuff, and trawled his history. This is not a healthy thing for her to be doing

OMG and did you not stop her???

I didn't know she was doing it! I was cooking the lunch. I've had the conversation about violation of privacy with her.

is that a veiled threat Emmy?

Oh dear I'm sure he won't be happy when he finds out!

Interesting reading about the porn industry I hope this is one site that the OP's DH does visit.

OP it may not be a healthy thing that your daughter did but I think it is totally understandable, she is his daughter, and he has used porn.

Oh here we go the parents (I guess you are) blaming the dd who is a child for her reactions to an akward situation.

Scary to think some of you have kids tbh. None of this is her fault.

No it's not a threat, it's fact. You keep targeting insults like that a named members, if they keep getting removed, youll be gone soon enough.

"Not every couple will share the same preferences and are therefore able to compromise"
Where exactly was his compromise?
Oh that's right, he didn't compromise, not for one second, he had his little secret and then got extremely angry when he was found out - that doesn't point to a well adjusted man who is happy with his choices.
That is the main point of this thread, not who is for or against porn - the Op is against it and it's her opinion that matters, people telling her she is wrong or to get over it, are totally out of order.
She feels betrayed because she was betrayed, by a dishonest husband.
It is every person's absolute right to know about their partner's sexual preferences, whether they actually want to know is irrelevant, some people may well be happy to be kept in the dark but if a person believes that they are in an honest and open relationship only to discover, years later, that they are not, that is pretty fucked up, yes?

Oh and SqueakyToy you just believe what you want about your friends and their choice. It is probably easier for you to believe that they made an informed choice than for you to be a true friend and actually help them get out of the porn industry.

I'm sure there will be a lot more aggravation tonight. I am going to have to tell him about the laptop thing. He will be cross with me for "allowing" her to do it, which I emphatically did not and would not.

The trouble is that the DCs are far more adept with IT stuff than we are. i mean we are both normally competent, but they can run rings around us. Both of them.

I'm really worried that she did this. I don't think it's healthy for her at all.

insults?? that's plural! I respnded once to a similar insult from her which was also removed...but feel free to moderate if that's what floats your boat