I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

That's as may be but still as I said IME which is no doubt different to others.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'd be furious he forgot to pick it up and put it somewhere safe, but it's done now. Let's hope he sticks to his own bedroom in future.

There is a lot to discuss here, you are right Leningrad. Others have referred to the smoke and mirrors form of communication in our household. See, I didn't actually know the extent of the non-communication, either.

Let me reassure one and all that neither of the DCs saw the pictures. If anything I think DS is more concerned than DD.

Have had lengthy talks with both, just said that on this issue their father and I had different beliefs.

I think that's very sensible. Everyone forms their own beliefs and your children will obviously do the same as they grow up. I hope it wall works out for you anyway.

I know that your DD didn't see the pictures, OP. I just wondered whether in your shock, you had told her what they depicted. If you didn't, I'm glad.

Not implying that he did it on purpose in dcs bathroom, but of all the places that is pretty crappy. Perhaps this is s good opportunity to talk about porn being objectification and masturbation being normal and healthy.

I would think DH is just mortified about his own stupidity.

No absolutely not. Dearie me.

I have talked to a RL friend, which seems a bit horribly like washing linen in public, and probably made her feel uncomfortable as of course she knows us all well. But she and i go back forever, and she was lovely. Lots of communication needed for us (well me) to get over this hurdle.

No absolutely not was to WWIFN about telling the DCs what was in the pictures btw

Good . It feels like you want to close the thread and move on, or do you still want some help?

worra - I don't think he specifically wanted his daughter to find it, but do wonder if subconsciously he wanted his wife to find it. Sure, it's more likely forgetfulness but considering he has his own bathroom with bath, it seems a bit odd to use the other one and be so 'forgetful'.

It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing Stupidity :)

It's possible fortunate. Or maybe the doorbell rang or something and he forgot to pick it up. Who knows really.

Oh I really didn't realise the photos involved sexual abuse. That puts a different slant on things totally. I admit I did skip a page or two. I assumed they were photos of paid porn models/actors. So sorry OP

Oh dear I'm going to back out of this thread dittany as it seems you have some extreme views in an anti porn sort of way and I don't think that has anything to do with the OP's situation if you see what I mean.

I haven't seen the pics so I don't know if what the models were doing to each other was harmful or degrading. Also, if that's the career they've chosen and they're over age and happy, I think that's entirely their choice and I'm not going to judge them for it.

The dcs bathrrom does seem like a desperate place to go.....what wad he thinking? I've got some porn where can I go? Family bathroom.....is it the only door with a lock.

Whatever is going on here, one of the most important aspects is why he feels so enititled to use porn when he knows OP is dead against it and why he thinks it's not a problem to be hiding his sexual preferences from her.
He's been a coward and a liar (lying by omission), it must be awful to realise that your sex life for the last few years has been tainted in this way.

I would have to see what he's been viewing, it's the only way to help make a decision about the future imho. If he's too ashamed/doesn't want you to see it yet won't stop using it, he's got some major issues to contend with .

Oh you're right Malificence, that there are a whole bunch of issues here to resolve, and they seem to be pretty fundamental to me.

Dittany, I entirely respect your views on pornography and share them to a degree. The thing is, I think DH is a decent person who's done something that I don't approve of. In principle I'm pretty well a live and let live sort of person, but as Leningrad says, this is the sort of issue where generally parents do have common values.

How we work through this and the underlying communication issue is going to be difficult.

I think I've got over the initial shock, and thanks to MN for all the support.

Has anyone stopped to think this maybe the 14 year old boy and the dad may be covering?

Or even considered how a 14 year old boy who has probably (let's be honest) looked at porn and had a wank over it may be worried now about if he he a 'filthy pervert' for going through a natural stage in his sexual growing up?

This family need a rational discussion about porn. OP needs to explain why she is against porn because of the amount of sexual trafficking etc her husband may never have considered this.

She does also need to accept that not all porn is paid for or abuse of the woman. Some women enjoy threesomes/foursomes/whatever many somes. Some women enjoy being watched etc.

Watching this does not make her husband a filthy pervert. It makes him a man who likes to look at a pornographic picture.

There is no way to tell from a still image the situation that exists.

The OP also in her title says 'my' bathroom. Not the DC's bathroom so it is a family one and available for use by everyone. He probably uses the en suite more often as it is more convenient to shower and come back to his room to dress/go to bed etc than the other that is what en suites are for.

If he has deliberately kept a perverted and twisted porn addiction from his wife for 18 years why would he now want to abuse his children by showing them images? why wait until his DD is 18? Wouldn't he have done it a long long time before now?

I think it was nothing more than an accident he forgot to remove the pictures.

Totally agree with WWIFN's post at 11:41:11 today.

OP, will you please accept that none of this is in any way your fault? I can't believe your husband feels it is ok to shout at you about what happened. Guess he is feeling defensive.

I also can't believe that a couple of posters are focusing on disapproving of your daughter - for shouting at her father out of the shock she must have felt. Had that been me as a teen, damn right I would have shouted too.

OP, hope you can work things out between you all. Good luck.

I COMPLETELY agree with Malifience's post of 13.07. I also think it's really unfair of your husband not to give you the chance to think about the issue and whether its a dealbreaker or not for you, by hiding it deliberately for 6 year because he 'knew you wouldn't like it'. That for me, would be the sticking point. The deception, and the fact what he was covering up was a major incompatibility that you should have been told about. It somewhat undermines all your decision-making around the relationship over that period of time, because you weren't operating with a full set of facts about him and about the two of you. That I would find to be very wounding and very difficult to get over.

I wish you the best, and after lurking though all 18 pages of this, I think I'm going to step away from this thread now because I'm finding it immensely distressing (and close to the bone) and it's making me want to become a lesbian or just swear off men altogether and become celibate :( I know that's my own personal viewpoint and fuck all to do with your issues, OP. But I wish you the very best and hope you sort this in whatever way. Don't let this get swept under the carpet over time; it clearly matters to you and that's crucial. Think long and hard about this issue and about what he's done. Take care :)

You shouldn't let it put you off men cheerfulme, lots of us women enjoy porn too. It really is a case of each to their own. Though of course in a relationship each other's feelings should be parmamount