I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

Does he realise the damage he has done to your marriage and your wider family relationship?

Oh get a grip ffs...he was caught using porn not exposed as a mass murderer......I'm sure the family will survive this {hmm}

I did try WWIFN's approach, which sounded so eminently reasonable and logical and emotionally right.

"It takes a brave parent to say "I behaved badly and I'm sorry" and IMO, it does children no favours to think that their parents are faultless Gods."

So I asked DH to apologise to the DCs for being stupid to (a) use porn and (b) leave it lying around. The answer was yes to (b) but no to (a). With a few expletives scattered around. We're dealing with a fundamental difference in belief systems.

The best way I thought of reconciling this to the DCs is to explain that a lot of people think porn is okay, but that I don't (and why I don't) and that DH was an arse to leave that material lying around. Does that sound like a reasonable approach?

Sounds like a very reasonable approach to me

I find the attitude of some posters here very sad. The OP has done nothing wrong at all. Her partner, on the other hand, has deceived her, been careless and now won't apologise to the DC for using porn. How would he feel if it was his daughter being abused in the porn?
He is at fault here, not the OP.

I think he wanted someone to see it. Either you or your dc.

That's a perfectly plausible construction but it just seems quite unlikely to me. He is a bit forgetful with stuff - keys, wallets etc. Also he's been at pains to conceal the porn use for some years. But perhaps you're right. I don't know and I can't see how I'm going to find out. Because if he did want one of us to find it, it'd be some subconscious thing,

Yes totally subconciously, he has been hiding it for all these years. It would have been annoying to hide it, a burden if you like. That he has released ( in the most dreadful way).

You do realise it is a pretty important part of his life and sexual repotoire and he is unrepentant. How does that sit with you?

Blimey have just read the thread. I think that is the best way to describe it to your dcs.

How is yourdd now? I wouldntbe surprised if she mow prefers her own bathroom or even wanting Hoban your dh from the family bathroom.

Have to say his paper saving double sided printing did make me smile.

Does sound like a reasonable approach regarding your children. I hope they are OK.

What do you plan to do regarding the differences between you and DH and his use of porn? Will he not relent at all? What about the fact that he has been hiding it from you for this long? How do you feel about that?

Blimey, do we still have people saying he did it on purpose... lol.

I am fairly sure he wouldnt have wanted anyone to find it... why on earth would he?

What possible reason would he have for wanting his daughter to find it?

None whatsoever, thats what. So it was just a case of forgetting it. Like someone else said, there could have been a knock at the door, the phone rang.... any plausible reason.

He was a prat for it, and should have been doing it in his own bedroom, and I bet he wishes that he had now... because none of this would ever have happened.

Your DH is an idiot....going for a wank in the children's bathroom is pretty eeeeewwwww.

None of this is your fault OP.

Well I'm feeling a bit bleak about the porn use. Also feeling cross with DH for being so shouty. There's an awful lot to process here.

Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for posting. Really appreciate all the wise advice, thoughts and insights. And the jokes - the one about the pictures being laminated made me laugh when everything looked quite bleak.

Thanks for coming back OP. I really feel for you. This is so hard for you, because you are having to make some pretty quick decisions about how to deal with the DCs, while at the same time process your shock that what you have believed about your H is at odds with what you have now found.

Given what you've said, I think the only thing you can do is to explain to the DCs that you disagree with porn - and explain why. But don't water down your views just because they are odds with what your H thinks. I think if you feel you've got to subsume your own beliefs in order to protect your H, it will fester more.

Explain to them that you were in complete shock yesterday and remind them that shock causes people to make sometimes very bad decisions. Hence, you accused them (via your DD) before your H. Apologise for that and at the same time, praise your DD for having the strength of character to assert her own beliefs. However, acknowledge that you understand her own disappointment in her Father. Does she have any idea what those images were? In your shock and anger, did you tell her?

You could perhaps say that unfortunately, many porn users don't know the provenance of it, how it is made, the effect on the actors and their working conditions, how they came to be making money this way, or the gender politics associated with it. They just use it without thinking, often becoming ever-more de-sensitised to the images they are seeing. Explain its addictive qualities too.

You might say that you want to talk to their Dad about that, because you think that like many people, he is an "uninformed user" and you hope that he will consider the wider aspects of porn. You might also say that just like the boys at school use porn because there is a societal construction that they will, in a way their Dad is no different. That there is no societal expectation that "all women use porn" and so lots of women and girls don't have a self-expectation that they will use porn.

The conversation with your H and where you go from here in your marriage is a separate issue, in my view and is perhaps for another post.

SS - I can see why you assumed it was one of the teenagers and didn't ask DH about it first (natural assumption given he wasn't meant to be home and you have 2 teenagers who were at home in that time). It's unfortunate that you didn't think through the printed material and printed both sides thing (a bit of a give away!) but given everthing else - understandable. Next time have a cup of tea first before wading in

People have different opinions about porn. Clearly you and your DH do. Why should he agree with you? He has for the past 5/6 years used porn and been careful about not upsetting you over it. He probably should have said 'I don't agree with you, I do intend to view porn, but I wont leave it lying around so that you don't have to deal with it' - a compromise.

He shouldn't have shouted at you - but then, how many of us have lashed out when we are embarrassed/angry? I can see why he was pissed off that you had 'told' the teenagers about it without talking to him first, but he has calmed down and apologised now.

I can't believe DD was allowed to shout and scream at her Dad? Unacceptable. There's nothing wrong with stating her opinion/asking questions/telling him she's upset - but it's unacceptable for her to be shouting at her Dad.

Your teens have two parents, each parent has a different opinion on porn and the teenagers are entitled to make up their own minds on it.

I do think a bit of perspective is called for. DH left a couple of porn pictures in the family bathroom - the teenagers didn't even see them and knowing their Dad wanks sometimes will not scar them for life - neither will knowing their parents have different opinions on porn.

All this talk of sexual abuse, invading the childrens intimate space and damaging their relationship forever are so far over the top - it's ridiculous.

FGS all this 'childrens bathroom ewwww' stuff is so bloody over the top. It is a bathroom - the teenagers weren't in it at the time - why the hysteria over who mostly showers in it?

plasticgeordieman - you really don't think that this man has damaged his marriage?

Of course he has - OP has discovered a side to him that she didn't know existed, whatever your personal opinions on porn, surely you must realise the wider implications of this?
Everyone has a right to know their partner's sexual preferences, doubly so in a long marriage, it's not an equal and well balanced relationship without that knowledge, when someone is living a lie it is destructive and divisive, whatever that lie/secret is.

The onus is on him to fix this.
FWIW, I don't think him leaving the material in view was anything other than a horrible mistake, he must be mortified that one of the children could have seen it?

"He shouldn't have shouted at you - but then, how many of us have lashed out when we are embarrassed/angry?"

Which is exactly why the poor DD shouted, yet you are saying that she's in the wrong? She's got the same rights as her Father to be angry Chipped and I'm shocked at this and other parts of your post.

There's no probably about the H being honest about his porn use, because then the OP could have made some decisions about her own choices. But like any secret activity, it deceives and takes away another person's choices. If he'd had the strength of character to own his own behaviour, then there was no need to be secret about it. Yes, he's entitled to his views on porn and he's got the right to use it, but he's got a responsibility to be honest about that.

Yes the DD has the right to shout and be angry as much as anyone; perhaps more in fact as she was dealing with both an accusation and also the realisation that her Dad was doing something she passionately disapproves of. That she's been brought up to disapprove of, too.

I can't believe that some people are focusing on the DD's behaviour, they obviously have no idea how sensitive teenage girls are. She has every right to be horrified and shocked at her father and angry at the accusation from her mum.

It must have been very embarrassing all round, not to mention cringeworthy for everyone concerned!

But I cant help feeling there have been some extreme over reactions on this thread. Whoever suggested he wanted his daughter to find it - my god why on earth would you even think that way?

Without sounding sexist most men IME are forgetful at quite untidy. I don't think for one second he would have left it there on purpose.

Actually, that sounds incredibly sexist!
Not actually relevant to the issue though.