I found some porn in my bathroom

[Stupiditysquared]

.. and asked the DCs if they'd downloaded it.

This was a pretty stupid thing to do. Nuclear war has erupted. The trouble was that in 18 years of marriage, DH has never used porn (so far as I am aware). He never normally goes into that bathroom, whereas the DCs do. Also I did not know that he'd been at home. It never occurred to me that it was him.

Now DD is screaming at her father that he is a filthy pervert. He's screaming at me for being stupid, which in fairness it was. And I'm in shock really.

What next

Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong either!

pickgo other peoples sexaul habits are their business and i refuse to judge anyone on the sexual habits unless it involoves children or animals.

Ditto cantspel

Tell that to the exploited philipino 'stars' (who are definitely over 18 btw not) of your average porn movie.

Or what about the young woman who has been sexually abused as a child who can't see the problem with being a porn actress?

Or the drug addict who's just happy to find an easy way to afford her habit?

Or what about the teenage lad who's watched porn for the last decade and can't see his sexual behaivour is making his partner feel dehumanised?

Still not judging?

Exploitation has been here since time and memorial!

Do you honestly believe if people stopped using/watching porn then these 'exploited' people would be emancipated, because if you do then you're deluded!

Well if there was no demand for porn then the supply would dry up.

But what kind of person can ignore the conditions of the porn industry and get turned-on by it regardless? (cf. 'braindead masses' comment)

Let's put it into perspective shall we, although no doubt there are exploited people in the sex industry the same way there are exploited people in any industry, lets not forget that there are an awful lot of 'actors' making a shed load of cash too!

So, the real question is who are the exploited..the viewer or the viewee?

Ah no, I think the porn industry is a special case. For one thing there is a whole sub-industry of child porn - most underage girls doing the same type of things the adults do, but of course they sell better and are cheaper. Then there's the peadophilia.
Then you get the western made stuff where the actors are recruited from the sex industry where all the same problems exist.

In my opinion the porn industry dehumanises its viewers - but they have an untrammelled choice to view. The same can't be said of many of the participants in the industry I don't think.

Well I personally view adult porn very differently from child porn! In fact I don't even like the term 'child porn' because in my view it's child rape...full stop! By viewing 'child porn' you are in fact watching a crime in action shudders

A child cannot give informed consent so it's very different to adult porn in respect of signed contracts, medicals, etc!

I am actually not surprised he is angry. Ok, so he printed porn & left it lying around, but you made it common knowledge among your children that he views porn & now his daughter thinks he is a 'filthy pervert'.

You have completely tainted her view of him. Well done. I'd be angry too. What adults do, stays between adults for exactly this reason.

Christ Almighty!

For God's sake the op is upset.
Cannot believe the "cool" responses on here. Very grim.

Well perhaps Op should have engaged her brain before she set off on her Miss Marple investigation! Tbh she has brought the whole sorry mess on herself!

Any reasonable parent when confronted by what she found, would have immediately gone to her other half and said "omg, just found this in the bathroom, what should we do"

I am staggered at the people who think when a man goes into a room used by his wife and daughters and leaves pornographic pictures in there it is either wife's fault or DC fault for being offended by it.

It does make me realise how you can find porn a turn on though. Because your brains obviously compute one action as another.

I don't know if his actions suggest a deliberate act but the very fact his wife never considered he might have used that bathroom flagged up the oddness of his presence there. Throw in the fact that he left porn in there and it's just odd. Possibly just a terrible series of events that left everyone upset but to turn it around as it's wife or daughter's fault and they should just get over it is unbelievable.

You may 'get over' the rape and sexual coercion and abuse involved in porn but kidding yourself that because some women enjoy it it's all ok and because it's freely available ...that means it's ok........ it doesn't make it ok though.

Lies are committed every day. Theft occurs every day. Does that mean I wish to be lied to or have someone steal my property. If that did occur and the police said oh do get over it it happens all the time...... I'd be pissed off at the normalising of it. It may be normal. I don't wish to tolerate it.

As I said earlier in the thread I am well aware that porn exists and if my partner accessed it, frankly he can, as a private activity. If he exposed myself or my DC to it it would be a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. That's my view.

This isnt a big deal. The daughter is kicking off cause she is embarassed she was accused. The dad is kicking off cause you made a big deal out of a normal thing that he just forgot. I expect there is a very high chance your daughter/sons masturbate to porn anyway as most teenagers do. I think this is something that has been unneccisarily made in to a big deal.

I have no read the whole thread but i have read the op.

I would call a family conference. Get everyone aroung the table and have an adult disscusion about sex and porn and say sorry for acuusing your children. If they are old enough for you to think its them then they are old enough to have this talk.

Its in the open now and needs to be worked throu as a family. You need to show that sex, body image, other people sexual behaviour is all normal and ok. That they such not be embarrest that they like sex just like their mum and dad. You need to show that you do not judge your husband and that your family will not judge other members and that anything can be talked about openly. This will hopefull help when there is other peoples in the future.

You made the mistake now you have to deal with the fall out and that ios what will be remembered not the mistake.

Regarding porn to stop watching will not make it go away it needs to be regulated and opened up and policed. Women and mem should have the right to do this job if they want to. They people "made" or forced to do it should be protected and they would be if it was regulated. It is not up to us to tell the woman that do this they need counciling or to "sort them self out" thats very judgemental.

Have you ever talked to someone who did a porn film? Or is it used what your heared?

I'm sorry that I went to bed unusually early last night - lots of posts - for which many thanks

Just to clarify one or two things that were raised further down the thread.

All bathrooms have locks on them. Both the en-suite and the main bathroom have baths.

Long discussion about porn use last night. DH has been using it for about the last five or six years. That's a long time for me not to have picked up on it :( He said that he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like it.

ok, but why did he go into that bathroom.

Oh and picking up on another point, no I didn't know that the woman in the pictures was trafficked, that would be impossible. I described it as "pictures of what is most likely to be a trafficked woman" because I was a bit revolted tbh

"You need to show that you do not judge your husband" WTF?
Then I suggest you read the thread!

She does judge her husband, the vast majority of women would - because of the content of the pictures, it's not some smiling girls showing their genitals (like porn used to be when I was a teenager), it's nasty, harcore stuff showing pretty abusive treatment of women by all accounts.

The shock and distress is caused by the fact that she now knows her husband ( who she didn't know was a porn user) gets off to this type of porn and that her children could have seen it before she did.

I was discussing this thread with DH all last night, in fact he told me to step away from it because it got to me so much, he can't get his head around what this man has done, and as for the content, he can't see how a man who genuinely likes women could enjoy that kind of porn, he finds it abusive, offputting and the complete opposite of arousing, but then he is not a porn user ( and yes, I do know that for definite).

SS, cross posted

That must make it even worse for you.
He knew you wouldn't like it? What the hell kind of answer is that?

Does he realise the damage he has done to your marriage and your wider family relationship?

He just said he fancied a change of bathroom.

On this point "Any reasonable parent when confronted by what she found, would have immediately gone to her other half and said "omg, just found this in the bathroom, what should we do""

I think you are right. However, DH had gone out that night, so he wasn't there to ask immediately. And as (so far as I knew) he hadn't been home, I thought it was one of the DCs. So I talked to them about it. That was stupid in retrospect, but it honestly never occurred to me that it was DH. Not for a second.

The phrase 'how stupid can you be?' has been shouted at me multiple times this weekend. Not that I wasn't saying it to myself already.

It makes me wonder if he wanted you to find out. Seems that he had no real reason to use the main bathroom instead of his en-suite.

OP - you have done nothing wrong here.
You found porn (and frankly hard core explicit porn) in your teenagers bathoom and asked them about it. Then to your shock it turns out it was your husbands porn.

The apalling part of this event, and this thread, is the attitudes of some, including your husband, that it is your fault that the children now know about his porn tastes.

Wrong. It was him leaving the images in their bathroom, free for anyone in the family to see, that saw to that. It could just have easily been your son or daughter who walked into the bathroom first.

Your husband owes you all an apology for the situation he has placed you in. Whether or not you as a couple go on to debate porn use in the context of your mariage is a seperate step. But I agree with those on here who have the viewpoint that you shouldn't feel that if you object to porn you are prudish or naive. You are entitled to have your moral stance respected in your home.

Frankly, I even feel sorry for you name changing yourself to stupiditysquared. I would reserve that moniker for him.

Oh just saw that he fancied a change of bathroom, but that doesn't feel very convincing. Wouldn't most men, if they wanted to have a crafty wank, either do it where they would be less likely to be discovered, or take great pains to remember to clean up any mess after?

So what reason did he give for going into their bathroom ? How is your dd now? Why on earth is he looking at porn to that level?