Hello from a child-free girl...

[goldilockz]

Hi everyone,

I hope you don't mind me becoming a member of your forums, I must admit I'm rather nervous to be doing so and hope you'll have the patience to read my post through to the end. Briefly, I'm a 26 year old from Scotland who has no children and doesn't want any children (please don't let this put you off!) This was never an issue for me until my long-term boyfriend and I started discussing having children last year. He thinks he wants children while I have never experienced the elusive maternal urge or ticking of the biological clock. While I initially thought that adopting would be a reasonable compromise, I soon came to my senses and realised that a person should not be a compromise and that someone who doesn't want children shouldn't have them when her only reason for doing so would be to maintain her relationship. I discussed this with a few friends, some of whome knew where I was coming from, others who were a bit less accepting of the fact I'm unlikely to change my mind, saying that I've been given a womb for a reason, that my clock will start ticking etc. While I acknowledge that this is a possibility, I know that it's highly unlikely.

My reason for posting is that, since that 'chat' with my boyfriend which obviously caused us both a lot of distress as, lets face it, disagreeing about having children is a deal-breaker, I have become more and more aware of my 'child-free' status and ever more aware of the divisions between women who don't have or want children and women that do. This, admittedly, is something that concerns me. I don't like the idea of going through life judging other people because their decision differs from mine, nor do I want to be defensive and, while I have found websites such as thechildfreelife.com to be helpful, I also think they make one identify more with a child-free persona and being child-free is only a small part of who I am. My reasons for joining this forum is to integrate myself more with people who are not child-free, hopefully make a few friends and perhaps learn something from one another. I don't want to go through life being defensive about not having children or feel I have to justify my choice. I don't want to be labelled as being 'child-free' or the like, but I have noticed that this is something I identify myself with more and more and this upsets me. OK, enough of my waffling. I hope what I've said has made some sense and that I've not offended anyone in the process, as that is completely the opposite of why I'm here. I'm shaking as I write this because I'm very aware of the disparity between women who have children and those who don't and am envisaging a backlash! I hope that doesn't happen and I'm looking forward to your replies.

Goldi xx

Hello everyone,

I was shocked to see 165 posts when I got up this morning. I've had a little look through and want to say that I did not originally post on this site so I could have a bitch on childfreelife.com, I'm not like that. I was hoping to bridge the gap between CF people and parents because I have few childed friends and find that a little sad. Admittedly, the first couple of posts angered me because I felt like I was having to justify my choice not to have children so I sought the support of the people on the childfree forums. Posts since then have been really nice and supportive in general and I think I was a little hasty in having a rant on the CF forums. I initally came on the forums because I had a fight with a colleague who told me that not having children was unnatural and that God gave me a womb for a reason. I later had a dispute with my hairdresser who said that I would definitely change my mind and it was unnatural not to. Obviously these are extreme examples so I guess I was looking for some validation after being told by 2 people that not having children was unnatural and where better to get that from than mums themselves? I know this is really pathetic and I apologise that when initially I didn't get this validation, I had a rant about you which I am no longer partaking in. And to someone who asked, no I'm not barren, nor am I a sneaky or horrible person and I didn't come here with the intention of having a rant about you guys because I certainly wouldn't do that having read some of the most recent posts. Please accept my apologies.

noooo, ladyintheradiator, the term is 'self define' if you're into this pc lark :-)

the barren comment was a joke. sigh.

obviously in all seriousness the state of one's fertilitiy has no bearing on their desire/non desire to procreate. it is merely a choice.

this is hard work

I realise the OP was agenda-driven but this thread has hammered home the validity of her point imo. I am not childless by choice but I never felt a maternal urge. If I'd prioritised getting pregnant over other things, I likely would have had babies. I didn't choose to do so.

I don't hate children; I've spent large chunks of my time in loco parentis and found it rewarding. But I've never longed for a child as some of my friends did. This doesn't make me any kind of a freak - I have several women friends who actively chose not to have kids - nor does it make me unnatural or unfeminine! All it means is that 'the selfish gene' is rather less selfish in me than in some others.

I am a person. I am a woman. I am not a malfunctioning womb. I joined mumsnet as a community of intelligent women, not a community of wombs!

It is staggeringly rude to criticise another person's life priorities, even going so far as to say they don't know their own instincts/feelings and there must be something wrong with them. I've never said that about a parent or a couple TTC. Yet others have done it to me throughout my life.

Hi Toby

I'm a cross-dressing, bi-sexual, garden designer who is fluent in Mandarin Chinese and has a PHd in Astrophysics from Harvard.

Maybe we can be friends? I'd be so honoured, it would be such a relief to get together with someone with a real sense of humour and away from these frankly inferior 'mombies' on the board (yawn - God they're dull). And I thought 'fuck-trophies' was hilarious!

Agree with the general consensus. The OP is a narcissistic attention seeker who gives child-free women a bad name.

If you're still reading. Nobody cares whether you reproduce honey. Nobody's interested. Get on with and do something useful with your life - you've got the time.

Goldi....I think that's patently untrue. I have read what you've said about mothers, if you want to build a bridge over your imagined gap between yourself, a 26yr old child free person, and mothers stop being so offensive. Stop the bitching about breastfeeding, mothers being thick, mothers achieving nothing, mothers who dislike your choice. Why you insist in telling everyone you don't want children is immature and attention seeking.....none really cares.

AgeingGrace Wed 16-Feb-11 13:03:46
I realise the OP was agenda-driven but this thread has hammered home the validity of her point imo. I am not childless by choice but I never felt a maternal urge. If I'd prioritised getting pregnant over other things, I likely would have had babies. I didn't choose to do so.

I don't hate children; I've spent large chunks of my time in loco parentis and found it rewarding. But I've never longed for a child as some of my friends did. This doesn't make me any kind of a freak - I have several women friends who actively chose not to have kids - nor does it make me unnatural or unfeminine! All it means is that 'the selfish gene' is rather less selfish in me than in some others.

I am a person. I am a woman. I am not a malfunctioning womb. I joined mumsnet as a community of intelligent women, not a community of wombs!

It is staggeringly rude to criticise another person's life priorities, even going so far as to say they don't know their own instincts/feelings and there must be something wrong with them. I've never said that about a parent or a couple TTC. Yet others have done it to me throughout my life.

With respect what are talking about, none of the points you raised have been discussed here.

I think that the advice to post in other sections about the things that you are actually interested in is good, if you genuinely want to make friends with people who happen to have children. One of my closest friends on here is the same age as you and has no children or immediate plans for any. She is one of the wisest contributors to Mumsnet and is irritatingly agreed with on a regular basis by all and sundry. She has never, to my knowledge, banged on about not having kids and how special that makes her, but is known for her personality rather than her child-free status.

Occasionally, some of the more bovine among us have an opinion on matters unrelated to the fruits of our loins which is considered of at least passing interest too.

Goldilockz - nobody really cares if you have kids or not.

There is no gap that needs to be bridged. This is obviously a big issue for you (and anyone else who feels the need to post on a CF website) but please dont try and foist your imagined war on the rest of us.

OP the reason you have few 'childed' friends is because you are 26. At 26 I had no friends with children. This did not make me sad. Either get on with your friends or ditch them and make new ones, but trying to find new friends specifically because they have children and then making your opening gambit, 'I don't have children, I don't want children and don't criticise my choice' is a bit odd.

So you don't want children, so what? I don't care. I might have shown a bit of interest in you if you had joined the forum and shown a bit of your personality or interests before labelling yourself.

And yes, you might change your mind. In the same way that someone who has always wanted children and has 3 might change their mind. It doesn't matter if people say this to you because for many, it is a possibility. So get steralised and people will leave you alone, or put up with comments whilst knowing that you are right. Alternatively, join a forum where lots of people are mothers or trying to be and then bitch about them elsewhere because they have opinions. Talk to your childfree friends on these obnoxious forums when you want an understanding ear.

And please, please get another topic of conversation!

I confess that I haven't read the whole thread, Posie. I read the first dozen or so, then random subsequent posts. There are quite a few replies along the lines of "never say never" and "you're young yet" which, imo, means "you don't know your own mind" and implies that all women feel the maternal urge.

The rest of my post also reflects my experience and my thoughts.

Hello goldilockz! Welcome back, well done for not being scared off :)

You really don't need to worry about not having many friends with children - when I was 26 I had precisely none, but nearly 10 years later and almost everyone I know has sproglings. We're still all the same people, just a bit older and saggier experienced.

If I may, I'd suggest that you ignore people who tell you what you want, and that your personal choice isn't valid. It's not really worth getting into an argument with those few people who want to impose their own beliefs on you. And if you do get into an argument with someone like that, if you go on many years later to have a child they damn well bring it up and rub it in your face! Smug gits.

PS Mumsnet is not just about parenting. Take a look around, there are some really great, funny, interesting people on here. I was a lurker for a couple of years even before I decided to try getting up-duffed.

But I don't want a dog....I wouldn't say I'm never having one, or that DSs won't ride motorbikes. Perhaps if the OP was 36/46 it may be valid, but what is someone supposed to say when someone declares that they don't want dcs....well done? Aren't you special? You're so different? the truth is many parents didn't ever want children, at 26, so why shouldn't they say that?

I am no more defined by having four children that you are by having none.

than

Er - sorry for the unwarranted use of 'sproglings'. Yuk.

Although I know that there is still the possibility my mind will change, I don't think it will and I'm more than happy with that.

Goldi

(From the exact same post in 'Other Subjects'

So you acknowledge that you might change your mind. But you openly criticise others who make that suggestion. I did go onto TCFL tto have a look, so well done if that was yyour aim, and you still think you have been treated unfairly and that nobody understands you. So why come back?

blimey, she's desperate for attention LOL
ok, let's pretend we do care about goldilocks not wanting children, come on

OP I am really confused that you want to bridge the gap between CF woman and mothers. I really dont understand, what gap? Lots of woman choose not to have children, thats theirs and your choice. I have never met anyone who thinks its wrong etc.... Sorry but you really do come across as attention seeking and trying to start an argument where there really isnt one. Some people in life are insensitive, ignorant and so forth, you ignore them (seeing as you seem to have come across two in such a short space of time).

I feels as though you are trying to imply that you are unique in not wanting children, your not.

I was pretty impressed that the OP came back and apologised. Starting a post on here and then going back to another site to bitch about the replies was possibly not the best way to start out on MN, which last time I looked had a wide range of posters, from those with no children at all, to those with a houseful.

I have a lot of friends, some are child free by choice, some have fertility problems and others have family. Strangely the only people within that circle who feel the need to justify their decision are the child free by choice women, which makes me wonder if they are just defensive due to a pressure in society that as a woman you ought to want children.

Anyway, when I was 26 I didn't want kids and considered myself child free. I now have kids. My friend was the same and now doesn't. Doesn't mean that either of us was wrong at 26, its just the way we changed. Then again, both of us tend to define ourselves through our careers, friends and interests rather than on whether or not we chose to reproduce.

Honestly Goldilockz people make all sorts of annoying comments all the time at every stage of life. It is tedious though alot of it is quite harmless small talk and people dont mean much by it or frankly really care what you are up to.

Whilst single I gritted my teeth at the "met anyone nice" comments.

When newly married gritted my teeth at the "when will you have children" type comments.

When/if you have children this occurs threefold - strangers/friends/acquaintances feel free to comment on feeding choices/whether you work or not/which school your child goes to and so on and on.

Ultimately it seems to be how people relate to each other so my advice would be to be abit more thick skinned about it and maybe abit less analytical .

To be fair, I don't think anyone on this thread has "told the OP what she wants", or that her personal choice isn't valid. I think most of the early posters were just putting their own experience forward (certainly that's all I was doing) - but our experience wouldn't necessarily be the OP's!

Anyway. If the OP wants to hang around MN, that's great! But possibly not the best idea to evangelise about being childfree to a bunch of people who mostly already have children... it's a bit late for us.

Why is this thread still going? If OP does ever breed the world will be made that much more boring by the propagation of her genes.

:-) at 'evangelise' now theres a word!