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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Valentine Bombshell - I'd appreciate the irony if I wasn't so devastated

144 replies

ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 05:40

MN regular & like most I guess can't believe I'm posting this but am up with unwell baby and my head & tomach are churning.

Dh admitted last night he was attracted to someone else at work & they had kissed. Doesn't know what he wants. Everything now up in the air. Have gone from A to Z in my head where we're divorced & the dcs and I are living on our own. Am shaky inside & my ribs hurt. Am just so, so hurt.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/02/2011 05:44

I'm so sorry, I have no good advice but just wanted to give you an unmumsnet hug

Experts will be along soon you know

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 05:48

Thank you for the MN hug, they're rare so it's appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 05:52

Am sorry to start a thread and run but dc3 poorly & upset

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/02/2011 05:53

Actually I woud rather come round and slap your husband around the head a bit. I know that violence's not the answer but it's very tempting

How the baby now? Are they settling? We are on holiday this weekend and my 4yo work up scared in a "strange place" at 4am. He's now happily sleeping with his brother but I can't get back to sleep. So it's either mumsnet or load the dishwasher

beijingaling · 14/02/2011 05:57

Hope you're ok OP. Many more will have much better advice than I do but the questions to ask yourself ar:

Is the relationship worth saving

Can you move past this

Why did he do it (what 'reason' has he come up with)

Can you both go to relate

Sorry... Baby screaming must dash.

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 07:28

Dh gone to work now.

Dc1 brought through 2 Valentine's cards, one from the three of them, one from dh & a heart shaped box of chocolates Sad, they were so excited.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 07:48

"Doesn't know what he wants"

Tell him to go, figure out what he wants, and let you know when he has. Tell him to be quick though as you will also be thinking along the same lines while he's gone.
So sorry :(
If he had thrown him self at your feet full of apologies and remorse, how would you be feeling? Would you think you could get past this?

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 07:53

I have asked dh to make an appointment with Relate for us. That we need to communicate and be honest. I've also asked him to step back from the OW at work. That maybe moving jobs was something to consider but to be honest that doesn't solve the issue.

I veer between desperately wanting to save us to thinking it's over.

He says he's been a twat (I agree) but he's not saying my god I'm a twat, I've been an idiot, please forgive me, I love you.

And this isn't the first time. We've been together 20 years, met a uni and 4 years in he was attracted to someone else (nothing happened but they talked), but he realised he wanted me. He also confessed last night that about 10 years ago he kissed a woman at work (different work place/different woman) - this was before marriage and kids but we were living together. He can't explain why.

OP posts:
ttalloo · 14/02/2011 07:54

Your H is a tosser. I can't believe he doesn't know what he wants, but is willing to jeopardise his marriage and the happiness of his three DC while he snogs a colleague.

Has he done anything like this before? Did you have a feeling that something was up? What caused him to admit to having feelings for this woman at work?

I hope DC3 is better and you get lots of support here today so that this evening when he comes home you are strong enough to say what you want.

And another unmumsnetty hug for you.

ttalloo · 14/02/2011 07:55

x-posted

Before his announcement last night, were you happy?

robberbutton · 14/02/2011 07:56

VB, so so sorry :( have to do kids but will be back

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 08:05

In every other respect we've had a very good marriage. We still laugh together, are affectionate, he said our sex life had been good recently (post baby) but this confession arose out of us discussing our sex life. He was hurt by something I said (it was the truth but probably not well timed) and I thought we were having a grown up discussion about improving an aspect of it. Told him I loved him etc and then he hugged me. Told him he'd been disconnected and then on the spur of the moment asked if there was someone else, someone else he fancied. Overwhelming silence. Someone at work. And then made the link to who it probably was.

I have had suspicions that he was emotional connecting to someone else but had done a few checks (the sort MN suggest - mb phone/internet) and found nothing so thought it was my insecurity.

OP posts:
LPO · 14/02/2011 08:08

OP I'm so sorry to read this! And am sending you big hugs.

I think you really need to get him to talk, find out what he wants and then you need to think about what you want. If he has done this before, like you said, I would be so concerned it will just keep happening. Probably not what you want to hear I know, but felt it should be said. Confused

More big hugs!!! and a nice Brew

LPO · 14/02/2011 08:11

Figured it was to early to suggest Wine Hmm

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 08:12

Until he decides what he actually wants you can't go much further, so please take control!

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 08:14

First suspicion was before Christmas. We had a friend over (going through divorce due to hb's adultery) and we were sorting out her FB page as she's made an error setting it up. Dh is not on FB and I use it only to keep in contact with rellies abroad, so was showing him a few mutual people we know. Went out of the room, came back and he had looked up at a woman at work, long hair, rather masculine jaw (catty, sorry) but put my slight suspicion away as it was so openly done.

Plus the emotional disconnection.

And that's it. (Am doing WWIFN's retracing of steps)

He says he's had no contact with her out of work (which I believe) & he has not had sex with her.

I'm strangely not angry with her (she's also married, poss had kids). He's the one that owes me loyalty.

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 08:15

Take control how though?

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 08:16

Need to focus on getting older dcs to school

Thanks for all the hugs and offers of drink, it helps.

OP posts:
CarrieABag · 14/02/2011 08:16

You poor thing - emotional adultery, not good.

As he has previous on this, I would draw a very big line in the sand and get tough about this.

"It is not acceptable, it is NOT going to happen again. What are you going to do to regain your self-control so you don't get tempted by other women?"

Hopefully you acting with self-respect will give him a big shock and concentrate his mind into thinking about what he does want. Stay strong - you can survive without him and he needs to see that, even if you can get your marriage back on track.

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 08:17

By telling him to decide what he wants to do. And if he wants you, he has to prove it. But he needs to move out while he's doing all this thinking, and he needs to bear in mind that if he takes too long you might have moved on.
Sorry - easier said than done I know, and you need to do what you think is best, obviously.
and I may be thinking of a Beautiful South song...
:)

countingto10 · 14/02/2011 08:24

You know this is all about him and not you. His issues, getting his ego stoked, making him feel good about himself because he is having his self esteemed boosted etc.

You need a good chat about appropriate boundaries, counselling would be good, individually and together and you need to put yourself first, boost your self-esteem. Make arrangements to do something for yourself, go out more with girlfriends, do something you have always wanted to do, get him to look after the DCs, treat yourself to new clothes, hairstyle etc.

Get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it together. Yes he has to decide what he wants but he also has to understand that this "affair" is just a fantasy, not RL. And also why he decide what he wants, you decide what you want in life too ie to loved and respected by your DH to the exclusion of all others and nothing less.

Now is your time to be selfish and take a long hard look at your life and what you want.

Good luck.

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 09:19

You're right Countingto10
"You know this is all about him and not you. His issues, getting his ego stoked, making him feel good about himself because he is having his self esteemed boosted etc."

I said apart from her laughing at his jokes, and telling him he's marvellous (he didn't even need to say this) what else had been discussed? And it's not as if he doesn't get affirmation at home, I am very open about how I feel about him, but a fresh face I suspect plus the excitement of it is the attraction.

CarrieABag again I agree with what you put & have/will try putting your words into action: I would draw a very big line in the sand and get tough about this. "It is not acceptable, it is NOT going to happen again. What are you going to do to regain your self-control so you don't get tempted by other women?"

I'm just not sure he'll have the answers. It's why I told HIM to arrange Relate. Will tell me how committed he is.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 09:34

how's the poorly baby?
How are you?

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 14/02/2011 09:34

I was surreally calm last night. Think he was surprised. Said you can hit me if you want Hmm, but just was terribly hurt & so sorry for our children. Told him I'd keep breaking his nose in reserve.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2011 09:35

:(
You poor thing? When's he due back, and what are you planning for tonight?

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