Valentine Bombshell - I'd appreciate the irony if I wasn't so devastated

[ValentineBombshell]

MN regular & like most I guess can't believe I'm posting this but am up with unwell baby and my head & tomach are churning.

Dh admitted last night he was attracted to someone else at work & they had kissed. Doesn't know what he wants. Everything now up in the air. Have gone from A to Z in my head where we're divorced & the dcs and I are living on our own. Am shaky inside & my ribs hurt. Am just so, so hurt.

Thanks for asking Stealth, baby still poorly, he has a cold/gunky eyes/won't feed without crying & arching his back. It feels like he has been poorly & grumpy for a long time - I keep excusing it as teeth - but maybe he needs to see the doctor.

Me? I physically ache inside, just under the ribs & still feel jittery. Wouldn't take a lot to make me cry.

:(
Do you have anyone who could come and be with you?
Guessing you don't want to have to explain

Tonight, Stealth? God, I don't know. Children a distraction until bedtime and then I guess we talk if dh isn't hiding away emotionally. I dread going round in endless circles of not getting answers & making a festering wound worse.

I guess I want to know he's made time to phone Relate. I'll probably want/need to know what's be said to the OW (he was going to tell her going to Relate - he checked with me this was the right thing to say [weak smile]. I'd like him to talk to a mutual very good friend who want to talk to him (although there are time zone diffs]

But that doesn't address US now. I know what I'd like him to say but I'm not going to get that as it wouldn't be true.

He gave me a hug this morning before he left. He feels something but what? enough? Don't know. And I'm not very good at existing in limbo. I like certainty.

me too , which is why I'd keep pestering him to talk, which might or might not be the right thing to do I suppose.
He owes you that much thoguh

So so sorry to read this
Even sorrier that the only person he cares about right now, is himself.

What others have said about telling him to bugger off and find out what he wants, is sound advice. Why should he hang around and torture you?

Keep posting, there is always good advice on here from the likes of WWIFN, as you have seen.

As much as you are able to, forget about him for now and concentrate on you and the DC, because he is bringing you nothing but pain and needs to fuck off and sort himself out.

Sorry, was just making doc appt for dc3 tomorrow.

Our close mutual friend (knows us both so well, tell them everything) is abroad & has own problems that dwarf ours - would be here if they could. We Skype/phone a lot.

My mum's dead, my father no use on this one. Perhaps an elderly friend or my aunt, will ponder on this. I've suggested dh talk to his parents. They would be shocked, supportive of me & him, I think. I don't want to go too broad with this yet because we have a lot of friends in common and if we can get past this, having them all know would be hard. Or maybe that's wrong? I'm used to giving support, not taking it.

I'm so sorry I don't have much time atm, but if he's being truthful about all that has happened, I see this situation as very hopeful.

It must have been a horrible bombshell, but your H clearly has some investment in your marriage to have told you this now - and about his earlier indiscretion - before letting this go too far.

It's also not surprising that he says at the moment that he doesn't know what he wants, because this is still so new. What he is also telling you that this isn't about your marriage, but about a yearning in him, also sounds truthful.

I suspect that your H has an individual vulnerability to new beginnings; the thrill and excitement of a new relationship, but doesn't necessarily want to threaten his marriage. Of course this does threaten your marriage and it needs resolving.

Do please read Not Just Friends but in the meantime have a look here and read the introduction. Click around the site too - it's very helpful.

In your shoes, I would absolutely insist on talking. Despite your shock and hurt, the one thing I would make sure I said was to thank him at least for raising this with you now, because a crush and a kiss is surmountable, although there will be lots of work ahead.

I think he would be v v shocked if I told him to move out - unless of course things move at the speed of light with OW (can't decide if she a symptom or more than that) - it would mean moving in with a work colleague & then things would really escalate. Plus I don't want to distress the children (very hands on dad) and I think we NEED TO TALK.

I don't hate him or feel particularly angry (unless I think about the hurt to the dcs) but maybe that comes later? Or I'm relieved my nagging suspicions have been confirmed? Or that it hasn't gone very far & it's salvageable(with a lot of conditions/work)?

Thank you WWIFN, for taking the time to post. You and others are being so helpful in articulating what I do feel and think but can't see if for the shock of it all. It really is appreciated (fgs, am all teery). Am going to go back and reread at a later date.

My friend from abroad wants to slap him but says also that dh is honest & essentially a good man (and I can certainly confirm I've been v supported/loved by dh in the past - but he is in some selfish zone now), that every marriage has it's tests, & what we have/had(?) is worth so much. But that we need to address what's at the heart of it...But until he talks...

Will order that book. Maybe make it another one of my conditions that he reads it.

(Just waiting for AF to tell me to get rid of the twat/bury him under the patio )

But I can't/won't hang on indefinitely. I deserve better & the indecision would be a slow seeping poison.

I hope you can both have an honest and open talk tonight. He needs to have a long hard look at himself.
It is good to read that you say 'I deserve better...' as it's very easy in these circumstances of a baby, sick child, shock, to be on the back foot and lack self confidence. Please keep thinking all day of what YOU NEED as a person and from him in your marriage. You must stand up for yourself. I have found it too easy in the past to be talked out of my needs, to forgive too much or be out manoeuvred in a conversation, so I wish you very good luck.

Thank you LondonArtemis, I do feel vulnerable (mat leave/location) & I hear what you're saying. If we were just to ignore this as a 'blip' & not fundamentally address matters, this would erode us, & it wouldn't be a matter of what he wants, but me not loving him enough any more. I need to have faith in him & his love for me...somewhat lacking at present.

But am jumping the gun. Am not looking forward to this evening but I hate this disembodied, almost standing back, and watching myself feeling.

im sorry how awful

if it was me id just say you dont know what you want so i'll decide for you and his bags would have been packed within the hour but im just that kind of person, i would not under any circumstances be standing around waiting for him to think about weather he wants his family or a woman a work, no way! hed be out and he wouldnt be coming in after work he can go to her place if he likes her that much!

Just read your post. I'm so sorry. This is a horrible experience you're going through and especially with such young DCs.

It sounds like you are coping in the most amazing way. Its strange how one can behave in such a calm way when there is a real crisis.

My only advice is to look after youself and focus on you. A couple of good threads have suggested about the good enough parenting at these awful times. As long as kids are fed and occupied thats ok as long as you are going through these early stages.You need space to wobble if you need to.

Things will settle and in time it will become clear to you what you need to do. There are several of us going through this nightmare. If you do not know if you want to tell anyone in RL we are all here anytime.

Take care of you lovey. Will post again soon.

Do you know for sure that OW is married? I would suggest that her DP get told as she obviously does not value her marriage and her DP needs to know that she is a skanky cheating cow playing away. Why should she get off scott-free?

Valentine

So sorry you are going through all this - especially having been there myself.

I suggest that you are in a state of shock at them moment, which is why you are feeling numb and strangely calm.

I'm not saying this will happen, but don't be surprised if the impact hits you in a few days. At the time, it feels as though you are going backwards with it all, but I think it is just the normal process for the body and mind to deal with such a shock.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you ALBF & others who have just taken the time to talk and post, especially those who are or have been through similar.

I've never been one to immediately say 'leave him', unless abusive - some people can be this black & white about their lives, but we have 20 yrs together, mostly v happy & loving, & three young children to protect so it feels right not to make a rushed decision or a grand dramatic response. I need to hear how dh feels & see how that impacts on my feelings, as otherwise I'm making big big decisions without knowing the full score.

Hi VB, I agree with WWIFN, it does look like there's lots of good signs - he's told you, it hasn't gone any further etc. Although I don't want to belittle the enormity of it and what you're going through of course- infidelity is agonising and traumatic no matter what the details.

Don't worry that he's not hugely repentant and set on fixing things at the moment, as WWIFN says, he's still in the middle of it all and so won't be thinking 100% clearly about exactly what he's doing and is risking. But because he's not too involved yet hopefully once he realises the reality it should be easy for him to pull back and recommit to you. He will not want to throw away what you have (and if he does, you are better off without him).

But as you and others have said, don't put up with his ambivalence for too long. I let my H wallow for 12 weeks before I kicked him out, and then it hit him. I wish I'd done it much sooner. You might not feel like you can, but please bear it in mind as it might be good for both of you, depending on how things go.

Wishing you lots of support and hugs.

Robberbutton, that is enormously helpful, thank you. I don't know how you managed to last 12 weeks, that seems an eternity to me at the moment but I guess there is no quick fix.

I don't know how I managed 12 weeks either :( I think it's because the minutes go by like hours, but the weeks fly by without noticing, while you're desperately hoping for things to change/get better.

I also agree with LeQueen, and what WWIFN said about individual vulnerabilities to infidelity. For my H self-centredness was a huge part of it, and of course there's no quick fix. Looking back over our marriage, in the light of what had happened, many things became obvious.

The trouble with your situation is that your DH might think it's "only" a kiss - you will need to make him see how serious and deep it really is.

Hope you're OK VB

Just wanted to say I was there 10 years ago with my then dh 20 yrs in.. told me he had feelings for secretary at work- took me 18 months to leave him, found out later their relationship started 3 years prior to his 'confession'..This may not be the case at all with your dh but all i can say is would he really risk his family if it had just been one kiss, wrong as that would be? Last thing I want to do is make things harder for you but you must have your eyes wide open, tempting as it is to bury your head in the sand.. to make a decision

Have been thinking of you this evening. I want to say I hope your talk with DH went well, if that even began to cover it!

Hi again. Sorry I did't come back but between trying to talk last night (including a well-meaning friend getting in contac), dc 3 awoke at 11pm & then 2am (both of us up then) & I just crashed. Still can't keep much down - managed an apple yesterday but nothing else. Am taking dc3 (currently cryning through a feed) to the nice locum GP today & made an appt for myself about something else, but was thinking of asking for help but am not sure...