Gaslighting....how do you know?

[fairyfart]

How do you know if it's happening to you?

whats happening in the relationship that makes you suspect it?

Just the feeling that he is up to something but obviously won't just admit it.
Seems to be trying to make me feel that this is all in my head.

like what?

What is gaslighting?

I think that the feeling that soemthingisn't right is a biggie. IME you shouldn't ignore this.

Well, I didn't know at the time but realised afterwards once I found about about the affair and learnt about gaslighting on MN.

Basically, in my case there was a complete mismatch between XH's words and his actions and I started to go crazy as I just couldn't figure out what was happening. And, of course, when I mentioned it from time to time, I was told I was bonkers and that our marriage couldn't work if I behaved in this way .

Gaslighting is EA where the abuser presents false information to the victim to get them to doubt their own memory or perception of reality of events

Insiduous

You kind of know at the time something is not right, and after you really know you have been gaslighted, I had not heard of it until a few years ago, too late for me for past relationships.

What has been going on op?

fairyfart, it has taken me YEARS to know this has been happening to me.
It comes from a story that a husband in Victorian times would turn down the light on the new gas lights in the house. He did this to drive his wife mad. He would turn them down ever so slightly and she would say the lights were dimmer and he would say she was imagining it and so it went on...

If you are sat there wondering if you are going nuts...loosing days if not weeks of conversations and can swear blind to yourself things didn't happen that way...that wasn't said...that's another conversation I don't remember...you are being Gaslighted.

Yes I am aware of where it comes from, that film, and I honestly think my DH os doing this to me. Think that ifyourhappy is pretty much describing it from my point of view.
DH is constantly on his phone, ping ping ping all the time...messages from god knows who.
He is also constantly on PC at same time. He gets up in th morning and the first thing he does, even before putting the kettle on, is to go thru his phone.
When I challenged him on this, and asked him who the hell he could be talking to at that time in the morning, he just says it's work or junk emails.
We actually got a phone call at 6.30am a couple of weeks ago. The message on the answermachine was one of those robotic text message voices. Mesagge was 'Have got new phone, don't know how to message you '.
I asked him who it was from, he said it was not for him. Well, I asked my family and friends and it wasn't them....so one of us is lying.
The basic problem is that his actions do not match his words. So what is going on, am I losing it or is he playing me for a twat?
To be honest, if he is playing away, then I want to know as it will give me a good reason to kick his arse out of the house.

Well it doesn't sound good but there Is no evidence as such.

Tell him you would like to borrow his phone - if he has nothing to hide he should have nomprobkem with that.

If he resists or gets aggressive you know it's not all in your head. Almost never is...

no problem even. Predictive text - bah

I'm sure it's not in your head.

Slightlyjaded, you say there is no evidence. Surely that is the whole point about gaslighting, that the victim has no real prook because the protaganist is lying and making them feel as though they are imagining things?

Oh my goodness! DIdn't realise there is a name for it?! Go with your gut instinct - it sounds incredibly suspect to me.

I ignored mine for months and he made me feel incredibly paranoid, but he was playing away for ages and found out all my suspicions had been spot on. Please, please trust your intuition!!!

Just a note...it's from a film/play called Galight.

I shoould imagine OP that if you suspect soemthing is amiss then is quite probably is. Why don't you begin a thread where you ccan sortof record things...and then refer back to when you doubt yourself?

Piscean73 exactly. But with no proof, what can you do?
How did you find out about your OH playing away?

Yes you are right OP - that's what makes Gaslighting so effective. Everything is based on 'feelings' and 'doubts' and 'fears' all of which are rubbished by the perpetrator. As long as there is no hard evidence, and as long as you doubt your gut feeling, the merry dance will continue.

That's why I suggested asking to borrow his phone. It's an action designed to flush out some evidence - either in what you do of don't find on the phone, or by his response.

I have a perfectly good iPhone. My Dh has a different phone. If I asked to borrow his phone, I know he would hand it straight to me without question. That's the response you are looking for

If I asked to borrow my DH's phone he would just accuse me of being paroid. He would have removed any dodgy stuff immediately anyway.

In my case, OP I let the gaslighting go on for far too long as he effectively sent me a bit crazy and I became unable to think straight.

However, you do it, I think you need to find out if he's up to something. Maybe by getting hold of the mobile, but if not in some other way - e.g. looking on the PC, for receipts, evidence that he is not where he says he is etc.

Of course, there could be nothing going on - but if you think that there is then of course, you are probably right.

Have you been together long Fairyfart?

Been together 11 years. 3 DCs.
Am getting pretty pissed off now have though as I feel he is just taking hte piss.
When I have broached the subject he almost appears to have a smirk on his face whilst denying any wrongdoing and accusing me of paranoia.

fairyfart, I found out from Facebook. We split up (after several short breaks) in August. He'd convinced several of his 'female' friends that I was a paranoid/insane(can assure you I'm not!) and then flirted/slept with at least one of them. Well, actually it was paranoia because searching your partners/partners friends Facebook pages is paranoid behaviour! I'm not proud of having been mistrustful but it was all with good reason.

Exactly the point I am trying to make - if you think something is going on and the other person says you have trust issues, etc. when quite clearly they are getting their end away and covering it up, then you would act a little crazy! 'Am I over-reacting?' 'Am I being reasonable?' etc. It was awful and now will never, ever doubt my feelings again. In your shoes, and going on the behaviour your OH has displayed, please be very wary.

Piscean73.... My Dh always on FaceBook, which is where I think OW is.
Like you said, until you actually 'find out' for sure you are merely 'paranoid, over-reacting, crazy, etc