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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting....how do you know?

169 replies

fairyfart · 13/02/2011 21:24

How do you know if it's happening to you?

OP posts:
cobbledtogether · 14/02/2011 22:35

I don't often venture onto these threads, but seriously you can't win because you know that inner voice that allows you to be a reasonable human being that allows you to feel empathy and that stops you from hurting and manipulating people? Well you have it and he doesn't. That means the playing field is very uneaven as where you will hold back, he won't.

My last relationship was hideously EA with someone who had no compunction in doing his worst to me. I won by getting the hell away.

HerBeX · 14/02/2011 22:47

Even if you could "win". Even if you could get the better of him.

Why do you want to?

Why don't you just want to be happy?

Don't you see how damaged you are to be even thinking in terms of styaing in a battle for the next few years, instead of pursuing contentment?

Sometimes, you need to know when to let go.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 22:50

AF...lose his family. If he is a narcistic personality then surely he won't care anyway?
My DH has already informed me that he would not be a weekend father anyway so he will not have lost anything.
In fact, because all he cares about is himself, he will acttually have gained by not having to actually look after his own DCs at weekends. He will be free to do whatever he wants.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 22:52

Children are great sources of supply.

Supply is their air/water.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:54

Why would anyone in all seriousness listen to this, and remain together ?

Sell the big house, divorce him. Let him do what he wants.

Get your kids away from him.

What the hell are you doing ?

MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 22:55

Af, I don't know your history.

It looks like the op is codependant on the dance with her narc, I Blush took a long time to let go of it after seperation also, I had no clue he was a narc when we were together, he sucked me dry and moved on.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 22:58

Er, excuse me, what do you mean, co-dependant?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 14/02/2011 23:00

Frankly, this is MN at its worst

Advising a woman to take to her heels and run to a hostel on the strength of ... nothing?

Please FGS do not impose your life experiences on someone who may not be in a parallel situation

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 23:00

And as for the fact that you had no idea he was a narc...the diffewrence is is that I now do realise.
So he will NOT suck me dry and then move on.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 23:00

I guess you are inferring I haven't lived with a narc, MH ?

I have, not as a partner though

Unfortunately I had to live with mine as he was/is my father

OP has a choice though...her children don't Sad

I will hide this thread now, I suspect I have nothing more to say that is useful to her

MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 23:01

Af, I thought your experience and advice said you HAD, I just don't know your history!

HerBeX · 14/02/2011 23:03

Fairyfart, what are you going to do to ensure that your DC's get a healthy role model of an adult relationship?

That should be your priority.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 23:05

ok, sorry MH, crossed wires there

I guess you can see it's best I get the fuck away from this thread

QC...MN at its worst ? yeah, whatever

HerBeX · 14/02/2011 23:06

So Quattro, do you thnik that the OP sounds like an emotionally healthy person?

Wanting to beat her DH at mind games?

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 23:06

To be perfectly honest I am very dissapointed in AF.
All the threads I have read that she has been on have always been strong and take-no-shit type.
However, here, she appears to be saying give in, walk away and put up no fight whatsover.
Yet I always assumed you had more balls.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 14/02/2011 23:08

AF this poster has no evidence whatsoever that her husband has been either gaslighting or playing away. None. How is it helpful to shout 'Get thee to a hostel' from the sidelines. This just isn't the same thing.

HerBeX · 14/02/2011 23:08

FF what do you want?

You want to keep your house?

You can. You can fight to keep it. The judge will let you.

Meanwhile, how are you going to role model a healthy, loving, respectful, worth-having relationship to your DC's with this man in your house?

MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 23:08

And wanting to beat her ea dh for a house, even if the kids see them taking chunks out of one another. I like the way she thinks she is better than me as she realised and won't be sucked dry and will beat him at his own game living in the house with the kids Hmm

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 23:12

This is really my last post here before I go and shag the sense out of my DH

FF...if you re-frame my posts as being from a child's viewpoint, they may make more sense to you

I am sorry to disappoint you, but I cannot agree that sticking with a man like this, and effectively lowering yourself to his level is in any way a healthy atmosphere to be brought up in

if you can stay with a man like this, with his attitude towards his own children, the only people who will lose is them

sometimes the way to win is to save yourself, and do the right thing by your children

if you think that keeping them in this toxic battleground is the right thing to do, be prepared to raise some seriously fucked-up children

I should know, I was one of them

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/02/2011 23:19

Fairyfart what these knowledgeable women, who have taken lots of time today and yesterday responding to your thread, are saying is that you CAN win, but only if you leave this man and get your DCs away from this malignant model of a relationship.

Staying means you LOSE and more pitifully (since they have no choice) so will your DCs.
Re-read your threads when you get the chance. Is this what you hoped and dreamed for, long ago? To be too embarrassed to take your children to school, because their Dad has broadcast to the world via Facebook that he has total contempt for their Mum? To question whether you are losing your mind and imagining things? To have your husband laugh in your face when he sees how much pain he is causing you?
To hate the person you're married to?

If you want to see it in battle terms, fight wisely. Go to see a solicitor first. Find out what you're entitled to if you divorce him and the grounds for which you can do so. Extricate yourself, keep notes of everything and from the safety of separation, force a sale of the house and get what is legally yours.

Staying means you get more infected by the madness, more bitter with each passing day and become the sort of mother you never wanted to be.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 23:20

I am not attacking anyone, nor do I think I am 'better' in some way.
What goes on between my Dh and myself is never in front of DCs. Plus, you all make it sound like we are having huge shouty rows...we are not.
Yes, he is playing mind games, and no in ordinary circumstances, I would just walk away.
But I am prepared to stay and fight purely because I do not want my DCs to have to leave their home.
They were all born here, they know nothing else. And, yes, I admit, It is nice. Detatched, 4 bedroomed, ensuite, etc.
So why should they, not me, give it up.
I have no problem living in a shithole. Been there, done that, quite prepared to do it again. But absolutely refuse to put my kids there.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 23:22

FF, you may be ordered by court to downsize into a 3 bed or to stay where you are. That may be after years of going back and forth to court and living with your dh as he will not be forced to move out it is his home also.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 23:25

WWIFN, I have already been to see a soicitor.
His advice was to stay in the house, persuade DH to put it on market, etc. He will fight me every step.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/02/2011 23:29

Sorry, but if you are divorcing, no court will force you to live together. They will either order that you stay in the house or that it is sold, with you normally receiving a higher proportion of the settlement as the primary carer. Consider seeing another solicitor if s/he didn't point this out.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 23:30

BTW, Quattro, thanks for your input. I don't feel so vilified now, thanks.

OP posts: