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Original poster

Gaslighting....how do you know?

169 replies

fairyfart · 13/02/2011 21:24

How do you know if it's happening to you?

OP posts:
GettinganIcyGrip · 14/02/2011 21:37

Very true AF.

Or as I prefer it...You can't out psycho a psycho!

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 21:39

AF I see where you are coming from.
But surely now that I have had the 'lightbulb' moment, I am in a strong position.
I really do not see why I should take 3DCs out of their comfortable home and move them into a hostel.
This terrible thing happened to Mouseface. I refuse to let him win by doing this.
2 can play that game, what was it, narcisism?

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 21:42

FF, you can leave or spend a few year going through court and he will torture you all far more than he is doing so now, and he will leave eventually, or you could make out that you are dead inside and give him nothing so he goes and finds new supply to excite himself with.

You ask what is narcisism, you are married to one, you describe one so well. The only way to win agaisnt one is to hide from them, not engage and have a lovely life with them out of it.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 21:42

no, you are mistaken

unless you are a narcissist, you cannot "play" at it

google "narcissism"

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 21:44

mathanxiety you are very good at articulating this

please explain why she can never "win"

the only way to win is to forge a life without him

he will soon find another victim, rest assured of that

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 21:51

So basically then, I leave our lovely big house, grovel to the council who will stick us in a hovel somewhere while my ex stays in the house, my children's home, in luxury?
I don't think so.
I may have spent a long time walking round with my head in the sand (is that even physically possible?), but I am not going to walk away without a bloody good fight.
As for not being able to play his game...why not? If I know what his game is, what's to stop me turning the tables?
There must be other women who have done this and not just slunk away into the shadows. Surely that way he wins?

OP posts:
SnowyBriar2 · 14/02/2011 21:51

Fairyfart honestly you can't win against a Narc'.

Link for reference to Narcissism.

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

SnowyBriar2 · 14/02/2011 21:52

Sorry links to next/follow on pages on that site are at the bottom...pink band, red writing...excellent site IMO.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 21:53

Also, I may be gullible, but it takesa hell of a lot to get me riled, and this situation is getting me really riled, and angry.
Forget the woman scorned, the woman taken for a ride gets so much angrier.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:03

Take steps to get him out of your lovely house

Use that anger to get him out

if you are main carer of the dc, he can be forced to leave

at least while the house sells, and you will not be forced to go and live in a "hostel"

< that pissed me off actually, but I shall ignore for a moment >

you may have to give up some home comforts and material things eventually, but if you value those things more than giving your children a healthy role model, then we are soooo on a different page < sigh >

GettinganIcyGrip · 14/02/2011 22:05

fairy...we didn't slink away, any of us...we ran for our very lives and we took our children with us.

Have a look at this forum...
thepsychopath.freeforums.org/weekly-case-studies-f8.html

I rarely post this forum on here as it is so shocking, but this is what you are up against.

These people are on the same spectrum as psychopaths, and they have totally different brains to the rest of us...bits of their brain are a different shape, and do not develop correctly.

They have no empathy and THEY DON'T CARE.

Your children are at great risk if you stay with this man, as the disorder is now accepted as being genetic in part, and so if your children are exposed to his twisted world, they are more likely to end up like him.

Please remove your children from his malign influence. That is the only thing you can do.

Quattrocento · 14/02/2011 22:07

Outside work, i check my blackberry every half hour. Unless I'm asleep. It pings with messages constantly. The first thing I do on getting up at 6am is to check on what has come in overnight from the US/Canada/Australia.

I am not having an affair. Nor am I gaslighting my husband. It's the way my work is.

Just offering a different perspective

GettinganIcyGrip · 14/02/2011 22:08

Sorry here is the index page

thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php?sid=7ed26b5ff28b32cd813a4c25e41a3f7f

MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 22:08

He is going to love it that he has gotten you angry and wanting a fight, sadly you can't win, you are learing to add 1+1=2, he knows advanced algebra and can do it without thinking, and will run rings around you op!

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 22:13

I have just read a link re narcissists. To me they are people who are always right,selfish, want things their own way, refuse to see other peoples views. no empathy for others.
If I understand how that type of person works, then I have a headstart.

No he will not leave. This is his house, as he states, so he will not leave.
Why do you take offence to me refusing to move into a hostel? Surely, I should stand up to him? Won't my DCs respect me more for doing this, than if I let him win?
Come on MNers. Everytime I've read a thread on here, you have always advised to not take any shit, to fight back, to take a stand. Where is that spirit now?

OP posts:
HerBeX · 14/02/2011 22:18

You are not fighting back by determining to stay and fight on his territory.

You want to play mind games with him? For how long?

What is your definition of winning?

Because if you stay and play mindgames with your husband, your DC's will learn that that is what human relationships are all about and they will play them too, instead of having happy, loving, decent relationships.

Do you really want to fuck them up like that?

My definition of winning, is to know that my DC's are not having a sick, dysfunctional relationship being role modelled to them. Your definition of winning is apparantly, to role model a sick, dysfunctional relationship to them.

He has already damaged you.

HerBeX · 14/02/2011 22:19

Oh and he doesn't get to decide whether he stays in the house.

The judge does.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:19

I am not "taking offence".

In fact, I am deliberately ignoring the judgement displayed towards "hovels" and of how "women slink away"

< shrug >

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:21

thanks, HB

sorry, FF, I need to just leave your thread for a little while, but I will be back Smile

SnowyBriar2 · 14/02/2011 22:22

"Where is that spirit now?"

40 years of dealing with Narc' types have taught me my 'spirit' can only be maintained by having nothing to do with them.

They are damaged and unrepairable...if most Psych' professionals refuse to treat Narc's for fear of becoming victims themselves...then how am I a mere mortal average person going to ever 'win'??

For me that battle is over...I have 'won' as I am free of them and they are stuck in their misery forever.

Original poster
fairyfart · 14/02/2011 22:25

I just get the impression here that everyone just gives in to these personality types.
So basically they always end up getting their own way.
How can that be right?

OP posts:
JohnBovi · 14/02/2011 22:28

I didn't slink away anywhere. I got some money together, checked out what tax credits/benefits I'd be entitled to, found somewhere to live and moved out.

MummieHunnie · 14/02/2011 22:29

FF, you have to pick your fights and fighting a narc who is the father of your children is not good, I know living with them can warp you with the brainwashing, you won't feel like this in a while, you will want to be away from them eventually when you understand the whole dynamics of the situation, personally I feel physically sickened by narc types now and don't want anything to do with them, they are as unhealthy as drinking a glass of liquid bacteria and mould.

SnowyBriar2 · 14/02/2011 22:33

If you walk away you do win...the Narc' wants you to fight and argue...they thrive on the drama and mind games.

They love to out wit you and feed their precious ego that bit more.

They relish in telling people how terrible you are and how perfect they are.

They love every minute of you putting your case in a reasonable fashion only to be gaslight into questioning your own sanity.

To the average person these games are their worse nightmare to the Narc' they are the life blood of their existence.

You walk away and you deprive them of everything they want/crave/need...your attention.

After leaving...you then use official routes to make them behave and play fair...they hate this as no-one tells a Narc' what to do...EVER!

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:34

he won't be "getting his own way" if he loses his family

will he ?

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