Gaslighting....how do you know?

[fairyfart]

How do you know if it's happening to you?

Actually a loving husband wouldn't be calling you paranoid, over reacting etc.

He'd be trying to reassure you properly, not smirking at you.

What is he planning for Valentine's day?

That is exactly why ladies you should never touch with a barge pole a man who claims his ex is mad, he will be saying that about you also soon

Oh I dunno.. my husbands ex is barking mad.. completely and utterly psycho...

as for the phone pinging .. mine does it if I am on the pc on facebook as I have email alerts set up.. so for example if I comment on someones status, and then there are replies, I get a message for each reply..

I've seen your other threads and posts OP. This man is utterly contemptuous of you. You described him as abusive in one of your threads, but claimed that the last straw was when he was in open contempt of you on Facebook.

You don't need proof. All you need is your own permission to get out of this hellish relationship and not look back. Well grant it.

Who cares if anyone thinks you're paranoid or mad? You know you're not, from your threads we know you're not, so stop agonising about finding proof and just end it. Your own mental health and that of your childrens', is worth far more than the victory of "proof".

I think your instincts are telling you something and you should definitely trust them, and not him. Never trust anyone that tells you are mad - except a doctor maybe.

Agree with WWIFN. If you want out of this relationship you don't need proof.

Agree with WWIFN too. Would you really believe 'proof' even if it jumped up and smacked you in the face? I found gay porn on my home computer and to my everlasting shame it crossed my mind right when I found it that one of the DCs had been looking at it... Your mind can do strange things to you when you're not ready to let the truth in. 51% positive would be positive enough for me now, but at the time I thought nothing short of 99% would do.

Agree with the generally overwhelming opinion now that I should follow my gut instinct.
mathanxiety, that is awful, that he allowed you to consider that the porn was DCs doing.
Assume you're out of that relationship now.
Have, I'm afraid, always tended to be too trusting (gullible) and like concrete proof before making sometimes rash decisions.
But I think I have to change now and go with my intuition.

WWIFN - you are right. Proof is not really needed in the end. If you feel hurt, paranoid, anxious or upset by anyone's behaviour towards you, especially in what should be a loving relationship (and the other person makes no attempt to reassure you), then that should be enough to get out.

If only I had taken that advice, then my mental state and confidence would not have taken such a knock as it has. Still trying to deal with it now, which is why, fairyfart, it's best to get out if you feel like you do.

I was, and still am, so upset to find out the person I loved made me out to be paranoid so he could dismiss me to start up relationships with others. It seems so cruel but I realise he had the problems to act that way, and not me. It kicks the confidence though - big time!

Mummiehunnie - this man did bitch about his ex-girlfriend to me when we were getting to know each other, although I didn't take any notice as he said she cheated on him (the irony of it all! That was probably a lie too) so that's a good piece of advice.

The thing is, you don't have to prove anything to your DH. He is not the judge and jury in your marriage. You know what you don't like and you know you are not being treated well. It really doesn't matter if he will not agree that yes, you do have a reason not to be happy. Suppose he never does agree, do you have to be walked all over like a piece of old carpet for ever? Fortunately, no, you don't. The only question for me would be whether to go for proof of adultery for the divorce petition, or stick to unreasonable behaviour. You could be out in two years on either of those grounds.

This has happened to me - it was around the time iin'Enders that Nick was making Dot Cotton feel like she was going mad...i swore to my friend it felt like i was going mad, so i just dropped it. 4 months later i found out about an affair - and i was right at the time. Gut instinct is very powerful.

You've had other threads and whenwill has commented on them. That's proof enough that he's gaslighting.

And example in my life - dh and I have difficult relationship because of his family. One day I had the guts to tackle him on mil's and his beviour when dh was born and mil's actions when staying with us. His response is that 'you're mad - what are you talking about - my mother was never here'. OMG - yes she was - for months - and I didn't imagine an imaginary mil at our place for months.

That's gaslighting. But obviously it didn't work as I and others have plenty of evidence that mil WAS here - tickets - sightings - the works.

Instincts are there for a reason.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that the bastards aren't out to get you....

Next time he tries it, OP, tell him that clearly you're having issues with your mental health and the only way to deal with it is for him to leave so you have space to sort yourself out. See how he reacts.

lol at giveitago and your imaginary friend MIL.

My exH did this all the time. It was his default setting to tell a lie. He even did it in the same conversation ...for example...

me: can you do so-and-so please?
him: yes
me: so when can you do it?
him: I never said I would do so-and-so!!!
me: you just said you would
him: no I didn't!!!

Every single thing that came out of his mouth was a pack of lies. When I finally realised that even tiny little things that didn't matter were lies it was such a relief. I really thought I was going mad. But I wasn't...well only with frustration.

The court papers were packed full of lies, and he told many at the three court hearings he forced me through.

He's still at it with the children, mainly about money....ie he doesn't have any so can't give us any. We all know he has rolls of cash all over the house.

Just leave OP...you know it makes sense.

xx

IcyGrip, it sounds like we had the same marriage lol, same experience with a gaslighter exh.

My ex would deny that he had played shenanigans with our bank account while I was waving the statement at him

Has anyone ever seen that episode of The League of Gentlemen, where Benjamin accuses his uncle of plotting to keep him at his house? His uncle denies it and asks what proof he has. Benjamin then produces a hard backed book written by said uncle, entitled "My plot to keep Benjamin living here" or some such.

My relationship was just like that.

I'm glad someone else said it OP, just get out now. Stop looking for proof, you don't need it, the fact that he is deliberately making you unhappy is quite enough. You don't need his permission to no longer have a relationship with him.

Yes mummie I can laugh about it now, but it is the worst thing.

My mother is the same...if I ask her something she will just say 'I don't know'. Like for example, when she moved house after my father died, and she had not much left at all in her new house...

Me: what happened to the huge shed full of valuable tools that father had?
Mother: I don't know
Me: where has the lawn mower gone and the garden hose?
Mother: I don't know

exH said that alot too. What they really mean is 'I actually know what the answer is but if I tell you I am in deep shit'.

Or even just 'I will tell a lie as I know no other way'.

I did stupidly actually try to warn my exH's new 'friend' (another whopper)about his little habit, and she said she didn't care, so that's ok then.

herB that made me laugh out loud...I mean..what does go through their little heads?

The kids and I knew where my exh's stashes of dosh were, and the size of them, and yet he still told us he couldn't contribute to anything as he had no money.

He got the shock of his life at the final court hearing when the judge decided he most certainly did have some money. It was worth four years of hell to get to that point to see the look on his face.

Just recently I had an experience in court where the judge didn't buy any of exH's sob story about me being out to willfully deny him parenting time with the children after one of the DCs refused to go for a weekend visitation (because exH had screamed at him the previous time he had them, threatening to call the police on the DC and have me arrested too.) ExH's story was that the DC's refusal was all part of a dastardly plot by me, but I pointed out that the incident was precipitated by exH's hissy fit and threats (which I know from experience to be highly convincing and terrifying) which were completely outside of my control, and that all the DCs have gone to the weekend visitation every second weekend solely because I have managed to persuade them to ever since the agreement was in place.

ExH is a deluded idiot and is shaping up to be a serial litigant; I think he actually believes his own lies, but the judge raised an eyebrow and suggested family therapy. If exH were to be believed, I exert some sort of sinister control over his mind and he is like clay in my wicked hands.

Math, I think they do believe their own lies, and make an alternative reality out of the lies, I feel sorry now a days for the people who fall for his lies and delusions now a days, although they have been warned and should be wiser as are much older and should be wiser than someone who was not warned.

Oh for sure. They do believe their own lies, that they exist in the world that they have created for themselves.

And they take you into that world. Slowly, bit by bit, but they take you there.

At first, they are the best thing to ever happen to you. Flowers, chocolates, holidays, meals out, undivided attention, days away, 24/7 complete devotion to you and only you.

They take you into their circle of friends, their family. You are accepted almost at once, no question.

Life is rosey, life is finally all you wanted it to be.

At first.

And then, bit by bit, they take it all back. They take it all away from you. They take control.

Of you, of your life, of your whole being.

You don't know it. You can't tell at first.

Things just seem a little....... different?

Little things....daft things.

You must be tired, you must be a bit hormoanal (homental), paraniod.......

It's not him, it's YOU......

GET.

OUT.

NOW.

Glad to see ( but sad and angry too) that there are other women out there being lied to and made to feel crazy.
At least I feel now that I understand why I feel this way and it almost makes me feel stronger than him in a strange way.
It's like, I know something he doesn't and I know that, when he plays another mind game on
me, I will recognise it and almost feel superior. If that makes any sense.

fairy - that will give you the power you need to take the control away from him or to leave.

I left. After far too long, but I left and took DD with me.

We had nothing and ended up in a women's hostel for 3 months.

I have never, ever looked back from that day.

Now that you do know, you can decided what to do.

But please, don't believe that he will ever change because he can't. xx

FF, I too have seen your previous threads

it seems you are coming to a gradual realisation about the game playing and manipulation you have been subjected to

however, I have a little worry that now you know you will stay and try him at his own game

so still staying enmeshed in the mind games

be assured this is a dangerous position to be in

you can't out-narc a narcissist, you are wired very differently and it will continue to damage you

you will think you are "playing him at his own game" but you are not

your very best course of action is to remove yourself completely from his influence, or you will continue to pay the price

you may not be too worried about yourself...but you should worry for your children who are learning very damaging lessons about how relationships are framed