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Original poster

DP (Ha!) finally admitted affair...do I tell OWs DH?

150 replies

SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 15:59

OK,

After monts of him convincing me it was in my head, DP has finally admitted affair.

I spoke to OW's DH last night and told him what I knew, which left the situation such that it could have been interpretted as a one sided affair.

OW has successfully ocnvinced her DH that it is 100% one sided.

DP has admitted otherwise. I have his valentines card intended for her which proves otherwise. DP is begging me not to tell OW's DH, because he doesn't want 2 families destroyed.

WWYD. I can see that it is only going to bring pain to 3 more innocent parties, but why shoudl I suffer when the bitch gets away scot free.

WWYD?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 12/02/2011 16:00

OW's dh must be in denial

cornsilk · 12/02/2011 16:01

sorry that you're going through this btw Sad

WelliBob · 12/02/2011 16:02

What do you mean by one-sided? Do you mean she is saying she didn't have an affair and that it was just your DH persuing her or that she did and there was no feelings on her part?

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:04

Thing is it has taken me 18m to get out of denial....I know it is only going to hurt him and his children but surely he has right to know?

I not planning to do it out of spite, more that I think he should know.

DP says he did all the chasing and I do genuinely believe that. And uses this as justification, but as far as I am concerned at the stage it is now it is 50:50...it takes 2 equally willing parties to have an affair right?

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 12/02/2011 16:04

I would tell her husband, not for any other reason but its not fair on him to be mistreated / lied to by his wife.

Sorry your going through this.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:05

SHe is saying that nothing happened and that it is all in DPs head. He has feelings but she thought they were just friends, and nothing more.

OP posts:
Doha · 12/02/2011 16:05

Hope he is now your ex DP.

It depends on what you want to happen. Do you want to forgive your DP or have you finished with him. If you have flung him out and then you provide the OW DH with the evidence it might just push DP and OW together,

Personally if l was the DH l would want to know the truth, is he in denial ?-possibly but with proof he cannot deny it.

I would tell

roadtrain · 12/02/2011 16:06

I understand your position. My DH cheated on me last year.

However, you must consider your motivation for telling OW's DH. If it is simply to punish OW, don't do it. Punishing her won't help you, although I do know how tempting it is. You need to focus on yourself and your children and whether you are going to repair your relationship with DP. Her DH already has a sniff of what's going on and that should be enough for him to get the rest soon.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:07

Are you staying with this tosser ?

personally, I would walk away with my head held high and leave the lot of them to their stupid dramas

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:08

Nope. No repair this side of the street. Third time unlucky for him

As far as my thoughts go (subconsciously I haven't a clue what I am thinking), I am thinking he has the right to know....nothing about her and my anger towards her.

OP posts:
onehotmomma · 12/02/2011 16:09

I would personally tell him only because I would want to be told.

Not sure I would believe it was a non-sexual affair either and yes she is as much to blame as your DP

WelliBob · 12/02/2011 16:11

Are you absolutely sure they did have sex and it isn't just your DH's fantasy?
Do you have proof?

I'm not being funny, just wouldn't want you to tell him without proof.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:11

this is the 3rd time he cheated on you ?

fuck

just walk away, honestly

why would you still want to involve yourself with this tosser in any way, shape or form

harecare · 12/02/2011 16:14

Won't the other dh work it out anyway when you and (not so) dh divorce because of this affair?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/02/2011 16:15

If you're already in contact with him, I would tell him what you know. But if he is in denial, then you might have to offer him incontrovertible evidence, such as E mails or texts. If you offer that, he might not want to see it and if you don't have it, I suspect he will believe the story his wife is giving him. That's sad, but it's his look-out and it will come back to bite him.

The responsibility for breaking up her family was hers, not yours. Don't let your P lay that at your door.

I would add that it is evident your P's loyalty is still to her and not with you. If he has also been gaslighting you for 18 months and trying to convince you that you were mad and paranoid, that is a far greater offence than the infidelity, in my book.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:15

I have proof they have kissed (he has written a message about it in her valentines card) and independantly told me so.

I do honestly believe they haven't had sex and I have very good reason to believe that. No proof though.

Thanks AF. First time I was young and very dependant on him, and therefore it was easier for me to let him get away with it.

Second time I found out years after it had happened...and other than finding out about that we were in a reasonably strong relationship, so both agreed to work at it.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing...but not all women are as strong as you. Right now I am feeling v v fragile and could do with support rather than being pointed at and chastised. Please.

OP posts:
TrailMix · 12/02/2011 16:18

If you're sure the OW was a willing participant in an affair, and not just the subject of your soon-to-be ex's stalking, then of course you should tell the OW's husband. Because he needs to know, then he can make his own decisions about it all.

Super sorry for you though. You've phoned a lawyer, right?

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:20

No. Have spoke to CAB though who weren't particularly helpful.

nother (perhaps stupid) question.....do I put the champagne he bought for her in the fridge to drink tonight????

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:22

I wasn't chastising you

I was renewing my plea that you just walk away from anything to do with this tosser, in light of the new information that you provided

even more confirms to me hat you should just wash your hands of him and his dramas

he is "pleading" with you to keep shtum ?

then he is still demonstrating he has more loyalty to her than you

staying within his sphere, and undertaking any dialogue with him is just prolonging the agony

step away from the drama

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:25

I am not sure how my advice could be construed as "finger pointing" but hey-ho

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:26

His is pleading that I don't tell...although I have made it clear that I won't promise to that. He has accepted that (as opposed to arguing against it), and therefore maybe can see that he has no right to tell me to keep quiet.

Perhaps I haven't made it clear. He has gone. He has taken DCs with him for tonight to give me space, at my insitence. The only one I am currently dialoguing with is myself and you guys.

OP posts:
Pan · 12/02/2011 16:26

What goes on between OW and her DH is none of your business, though I totally appreciate the urge to equalise the hurt felt. The 'affair' wouldn't end their marriage, but his knowledge of it may, and that is in your gift.

personally I would pour the champagne down the sink, along with himself.

WelliBob · 12/02/2011 16:27

So you don't think they had sex?
Well in that case I wouldn't get involved in the other marriage. I'm not saying it is ok to kiss someone else, not at all, but she may be completely mortified that she allowed your DH to kiss her. She may have been stupidly drunk and bitterly regrets it.

It's not good at all but not (IMO) the same as sleeping with someone else. She may really want her marriage to work and 'the kiss' may have helped her realise that.

Think carefully about your motives before you talk to her DH.

Doha · 12/02/2011 16:27

yup champers in fridge for YOU to drink tonight. Celebrate the start of your new life free of this cheating twunt.
Keep you head high (hope you don't have a headache in the morninh tho)

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 16:27

Sorry AF, like I say I am feeling fragile....I guess what I meant by that is that I don't need to be made to feel more of a fool than I already do for not ki9cking him out first time. Like I say just feeling fragile, and maybe I hadn't made it clear he had actually gone.

OP posts:
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