Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP (Ha!) finally admitted affair...do I tell OWs DH?

150 replies

SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 15:59

OK,

After monts of him convincing me it was in my head, DP has finally admitted affair.

I spoke to OW's DH last night and told him what I knew, which left the situation such that it could have been interpretted as a one sided affair.

OW has successfully ocnvinced her DH that it is 100% one sided.

DP has admitted otherwise. I have his valentines card intended for her which proves otherwise. DP is begging me not to tell OW's DH, because he doesn't want 2 families destroyed.

WWYD. I can see that it is only going to bring pain to 3 more innocent parties, but why shoudl I suffer when the bitch gets away scot free.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 12/02/2011 16:57

"since our first kiss"?

That just means their relationship had a starting point, surely. Why could it have not progressed to sex? Unless there's a physical problem, most adult relationships do...
OP, if I were you, I'd tell the OW's DH. He has a right to know.

And I think your dickhead of a P is begging you not to tell to protect himself only - he's not interested in anyone else.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but congratulations OP on finally getting a chance at a new start without a lying scumbag in your life

Pan · 12/02/2011 16:57

I don't think the gender difference determines whether he should know or not from you.
the "I'd want to know" position isn't the winning arguement. IT would mean "I want interference from every and anyone in the state of my marriage, whether their knowledge has any credibility or not".

Let the dh manage his own marriage ( no-one ever has full control/knowledge at any time), and you spend energies focussed on your own. There is a massive difference between intervening forthe good, and interfering because you feel (understandably) very hurt.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2011 17:01

What a wanker.

You can't go and tell the DH a load of supposition though. You don't know anything, only whatever tales your DP as spun for you and, let's face it, he doesn't have a track record for honesty does he? Leave them to sort their lives out by themselves.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/02/2011 17:02

You know yourself about the evidence you have, we can't make judgements on that. So assuming you are absolutely sure then yes, tell him. I would want to know, simply because if she'll do it once then she'll possibly do it again. Not fair not to tell him. I do realise how easy it is for me to say that btw, from the comfort of my sofa.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:02

So posting photo's of teh card and it's meesgaes on FB and tagging him is not going to go down well with MN then?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:04

I think MN would self-combust if you did that Grin

Doha · 12/02/2011 17:06

Just send the card to the DH on valentines day and let him make up his own mind.

Grin
SoupDragon · 12/02/2011 17:07

I have has similar thoughts, SMS. Including taking out an ad in their local paper with the info on and finding her parents to let them know what a bitch they have for a DD and what a wanker her "new partner" is.

But they remain in planning stage, never to be actually done.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:09

How's this for an idea....

I invite OW over for a glass of champers tonight, over candles, and a box of chocs (all intended for her).....and give it to her...make her open it in front of me...at least she can be suitably embaressed....

DP - as it happens thinks said card is in a Brown envelope in a royal mail box waiting to be delivered to OWDH.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/02/2011 17:12

H's golf club secretary made the mistake of phoning me on a particularly bad day so I told him exactly my Mr Dragon didn't live here any more. He never phoned again, oddly enough.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:15

Hmmm...DP rang his DSis when I was in the room earlier...to tell her not to come to visit...she was clearly concerned as to why teh sudden change of plan....DP was clearly avoiding telling her..so I made it clear why she couldn't come to visit...but TBF I was still in teh showdown discussion with ExP at the time, and adrenaline and tempers were running v high/

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 17:17

Actually, that's quite good. He thinks the card is going to OW's DH - he tells her that she must get to it - she searches frantically, can't find it, panics, tells her DH in her panic - job done.

Without you getting any further involved or actually doing the Bad Thing. Grin

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/02/2011 17:18

You don't have proof though.

Everything you have is from his side.

You have a card written by him. If you had a card written by her, that would be proof of her acknowledging the affair.

She could argue that your husband was deluded, or stalking her, perhaps had invented a romance between them.

I am just saying that your proof is not proof that would stand up against her denials because there is nothing from her. Everything you have is from your husband. Proof would be a text from her. A letter from her. a valentine's card from her.

All you have is proof that your husband has texted her and sent her a card and says that they have kissed. You have no confirmation of this from her side. Think of those stalkers who are convinced they are in a relationship with their victim! They maintain they are in a relationship, when they are not. She could choose to claim this is the case and thus she can easily dismiss him to her husband and her husband could possibly choose to believe her.

That said, I am a cow when crossed and I would tell her husband because I would want to do my best to wreck her life, like she had wrecked mine, and if I had to bring her husband down with her, casualty of war. I'd also tell everyone I know. The more people who looked at her and judged, the better.

I am, I believe, the only person on the whole of mumsnet who has this character flaw. I am just not capable of letting people shit on me and get away with it. I admire people who can. It would eat me away inside.

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:20

Yeah....he says he is going to stop it somehow...only option means she will get to post first (which she does cos of the hours she works)...

I will end up in trouble for lying...Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:20

I am a bit confused

Didn't you say your P had "gone"

Is he back then ?

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:23

DP has gone. He went at mid afternoon, after a lunchtime showdown.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:24

ah, ok , just scrolled

he had this telephone conversation earlier today, before he left ?

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:24

gotcha

Doha · 12/02/2011 17:25

Bravo bravo Hecat

I am, I believe, the only person on the whole of mumsnet who has this character flaw. I am just not capable of letting people shit on me and get away with it. I admire people who can. It would eat me away inside.

My sentiments exactly Wine

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:25

Yup

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/02/2011 17:25

Presumably, if it is a valentine, it wont actually have any names on it...

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:26

I thought for a moment then he had waltzed back in with the dc Shock

noddyholder · 12/02/2011 17:26

It sounds from your Op like you have already told him?

Original poster
SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 17:29

I have told him but before I knew they kissed. Therefore I told him I though there was something going on.

She denied it. He believed her.

Now i have further evidence (disputedly to be taken with caution ;)) that there was an inappropriate relationship....question is do I present this additional evidence to OWDH?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/02/2011 17:32

I actually dont think you should. She will have convinced her husband that nothing has occured. You say yourself there was no sex involved. It may well have been platonic on her part and something else on his.

I really think you need to detach yourself from the OW and her life, and concentrate on making the future hellish for your own husband. He is the one who deserves it from you, nobody else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread