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Original poster

DP (Ha!) finally admitted affair...do I tell OWs DH?

150 replies

SlightlyMadSpook · 12/02/2011 15:59

OK,

After monts of him convincing me it was in my head, DP has finally admitted affair.

I spoke to OW's DH last night and told him what I knew, which left the situation such that it could have been interpretted as a one sided affair.

OW has successfully ocnvinced her DH that it is 100% one sided.

DP has admitted otherwise. I have his valentines card intended for her which proves otherwise. DP is begging me not to tell OW's DH, because he doesn't want 2 families destroyed.

WWYD. I can see that it is only going to bring pain to 3 more innocent parties, but why shoudl I suffer when the bitch gets away scot free.

WWYD?

OP posts:

mamatomany · 12/02/2011 20:14

Dignity and rising above it won't make you feel better when she's lied her way out of this and you're a single parent, it takes two, her DH will know if she's the innocent party or not and make his decisions accordingly but he should know what you know to be able to do so.

kittya · 12/02/2011 20:17

I think the OP has already told or, hinted to the husband? I would step away now. We all know how these things have a habit of turning on the innocent parties. Op you won't look good and it won't be your fault but, sadly that's what will happen

nooka · 12/02/2011 20:29

I guess that this is a little more complicated as the OWOH is a friend of yours and the obligations that you might feel you have as a friend come into play. However I would leave well alone. My dh had an affair, and yes I did entertain ideas about how I could possibly screw up her life, but what difference would that have had made to my life? Absolutely none, except that I would have thought worse about myself.

I can't see that you sharing anything with the OWOH will cause him anything other than pain however, and spreading pain doesn't actually lessen it. So I advise you to leave well alone and concentrate on rebuilding your life post DP.

carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 20:41

Hecate

There is another mad cow here :)

I'd like to be all dignified, but in reality, I wouldn't.

Claireabelle81 · 12/02/2011 21:30

sorry to intrude, just wondering if OP doesn't say anything to OW's DH and he finds out that something did go on and she knew about it and said nothing, whether he'd be happy about that?! Seeing as they are also ment to be friends.
Whether he choses to believe her is his option, but if you found out someone knew and said nothing and they did it again, wouldn't you feel guilty anyway, for saying nothing about her previous indiscretion??
I truly think you need to do what feels right for you, i don't know what i'd do, and hope i never have to find out, but i'm sorry your going through this, and hope you do the right thing for yourself x

kittya · 12/02/2011 21:50

I think she already mentioned it and he didn't believe her

thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 08:30

It does make a difference that the OP is friends with the OW's DH, imo. If they were only nodding acquaintances then I would still say stay out of it; but as the OP is friends with him then I think she has a bit of a "duty" to tell him, as a friend, not as the injured party, iyswim.

What I mean is: if she had seen the OW and A.N.Other male snogging in a pub, would she still tell her friend, the OW's DH? If so, then she should tell him.
If, otoh, the OP would butt out and not mention it to him (because she was not personally involved) - then she should still butt out and not tell him.

Revenge is understandable, can be amusing even but ultimately does the revenger no favours.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2011 08:42

But she doesn't know anything. she hasn't seen them snogging or anything, it is all supposition based on circumstantial evidence.

"Have you been in a similar situation Pan?

Self-preservation rather than selfish in my opinion & experience.

And talking about dignity is all very well when viewing the situation from the outside."

I have been at the receiving end of an affair and, whilst I have gained great 'enjoyment' from planning assorted acts of revenge I have managed to be the one who hasbehaved with dignithy. My conscious is clear. Given I was pregnant at the time that its no mean feat.

kittya · 13/02/2011 09:35

I would just go through all the revenge scenerios in your head and keep them there. As the days pass you will be glad. You will look awful if it has all come from your husband and, at the moment, thats what it sounds like.

findingthepath · 13/02/2011 10:02

If you have the OW husband phone number why do you not text him that you think they might have had an affair and that he should talk to his wife and that your husband has admitted to kissing her?

But in the end what would you get out of it?

Nothing.

IMHO its just not worth it. He might know and be ok with it, she might have dont it before. You have no idea what has or is going on in their marrage. Also it is not her that has wronged you its your partner who you have now got rid of.

Move on with your life and let them be. If she has done it once she will do it again and what happens to her marrage is of no concern to you.

I'm sorry you are hurting and if you feel like being mean take it out on your ex-partner by finding someone who loves and respects you like you desiver. You are worth so much more than them.

gettingeasier · 13/02/2011 10:06

Dont tell him and become engaged in subsequent dramas just focus on you your dc and your future.

I did have affair stuff to deal with and its an ongoing source of pleasure that I maintained my dignity and never sullied myself with name calling or having anything to so with his ow or her family.

Thats not to say I entertained plenty of ideas about what I could do or say to lash out but so so glad I didnt.

So sorry you are going through this its horrible

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tillyscoutsmum · 13/02/2011 10:50

How much of a friend is the OWDH ?

I would hope that I wouldn't tell an OWDH of an affair (but like others, I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself ) but I would tell a reasonably good friend if I knew of an affair. If he finds out after, he will feel an absolute arse. Can you send him the valentine's card to a work address or something ? Or just give it to him and leave him to make his own decisions/investigations ?

poolet · 13/02/2011 15:20

I am amazed at all of you who have no experience of being on the receiving end of infidelity offering advice about keeping one's dignity. Dignity? - it goes out the window when your OH has disregarded your feelings and you as a person.

When you've begged, pleaded, shouted, cried, contemplated suicide (or murder!) - believe me, you will have no dignity left.

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittya · 13/02/2011 15:32

From what Im reading it doesnt sound like theres any proof coming from the OW's side. Its a fine line isnt it? It sounds like her bloke is into the other woman whether she shares his interest is all abit blurred. The OP could end up making a right idiot of herself and that is the worrying bit. Shes already told the OW husband and he doesnt want to know. I dont see what else she can do tbh.

gettingeasier · 13/02/2011 16:24

poolet I was on the receiving end

AnyFucker · 13/02/2011 17:26

Poolet, I am sorry you have been shafted but I also speak from experience

SoupDragon · 13/02/2011 21:19

Poolet, another one speaking from experience here.

deburca · 13/02/2011 21:36

guys i too have had this happen to me, the ow was a single girl but to be honest if she wasnt I would hve told her other half. I know how I felt when I found out for sure and honestly for months before I was in denial.

I think someone coming to me with proof, if they had it of course, would have saved me months of trying to convince myself that it was all in my head.

i dont think op is losing her dignity by telling the 4th person involved in this the truth. decency would dictate that

thumbdabwitch · 14/02/2011 05:08

been on the receiving end here too - doesn't make it any easier dealing with anything if you do stuff that brings you down to their level, tbh. In the end, the fact that my ex expected me to do loads of shite was one of the main reasons I didn't - I wouldn't give him the satisfaction!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/02/2011 05:40

The OWDH is your friend.

He and his wife have already had a showdown about this, but she's told him that she never responded to your H's overtures.

So you're not telling him something out of the blue, you're considering whether to provide him with 'proof' that his wife is lying.

Given all of that, I'd tell him. Because he already knows, really, and is probably starting down the track of denial/thinking himself crazy/suspicion/etc.

Be warned, though, that if you do this, and he and she break up, your H and the OW might end up together. If that would gall you, it's worth considering as a factor against.

kittya · 14/02/2011 12:08

How did they last, only kissing over coffee for 18 months? Im intrigued.

SueWhite · 14/02/2011 12:17

Important to consider all possible consequences before you do anything

He may not believe you, or may not want to. He may tell everyone you are a psycho bitch
You say he is the violent type - are you sure he won't turn violent on you if you 'wind him up'?
The OW and your DH may end up together
Actually, it sounds to me as though it is all from your DP's side. I don't think you have very much proof that she was much involved

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